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finally caught him out

(19 Posts)
nobodysfool11 Fri 05-Jun-15 00:41:00

my partner (can't use dp, at this moment) i have suspected twice in our 7 years together was up to no good. I couldn't prove it, but my instinct told me he was acting lessthan enthusiastic and selfish. Wasn't remembering things i had said and disinterested replies if texting.
We had long distance for 2 years, then lived together for 3 years, then due to his work we had to do long distance since then. It was our plan to save to buy a new house big enough and in where we wanted to spend the rest of our lives. I would be the one who would instigate weekends away and nights out. He always would tell me he was content with just me and him a quiet night in or a drink in the local. I wondered if this was enough and if we were settling but as we had to commute the last few years to see each other I didn't mind what we did as long as we spent the weekend together.
I noticed recently during sex that it didn't last long. a quick fix seemed to work for him. altough he's not very good at expressing his feelings when we'd meet i did feel as if it was always the both of us so excited to see each other. I wasn't dreaming that. so it was confusing me lately again when he began being disinterested during sex and when apart.
I'll admit i snooped while in his car one day at a petrol station. It wasn't intentional but he had a second phone in glove compartment. When I queried why,he said he found it lying around in old stuff and forgot to get rid. I had nothing to worry about. (those ever worrying words).
but it preyed on my mind. all the things put together. but whenever i approached the subject he would sound deeply hurt. so i would drop the subject and tried to just enjoy the time we had and look forward to the future plan.
But today, i was with him and had to use his phone. he seemed absolutely fine with this. so while i made my phone call he ran in to get us coffee.
v trusting for sure. i don't know why but something told me to check his messages. i scrolled through and found nothing until i found an old message from 2 weeks ago from his neighbour. informing him that he had called to the house as his cattle had got loose and it was 9am on saturday morning and to contact him urgently.
immediately i checked the outgoing calls and he rang the neighbour back at 11am that morning. I wasn't withhim that weekend. Why was he not at home that early. He had texted me that day and never mentioned about cattle and usually would tell me everything and had told me he was up and about on farm. I knew in my heart that he wasn't there that morning, obviously out somewhere the night before.
i put the phone back down. when he arrived back i said nothing. We went for lunch and i acted like normal. so did he.
i felt awful looking at him thinking ' do i even know you anymore'.
I left and drove home. I told him i was up to my eyes and would be working late tonite. I don't know what to say and I just feel in my heart he has been lying to me. why? why not just end it with me. Always told him it was one thing i hated. would hate if he ever did that to me. he has always said he loved our honesty. i feel like a mug. he range me tonite but i told him a neightbour had called in. sly i know. but i'd be going to bed as tired and would contact him tmrw.
i don't know what to do or say. he is expecting me to be at the hotel we arranged as a treat tomorrow. i booked it and was to meet him there. i stupidly thought we needed an injection and this might work. now i feel like an idiot.
i honestly feel empty, sad, dissapointed. Then i wonder am i jumping to conclusions and could ruin a relationship that has no serious issues.
any advice?

Smorgasboard Fri 05-Jun-15 02:12:34

Not what you'd call irrefutable proof of anything. How about telling him that you've noticed that he's been behaving differently towards you lately and you don't like it. He may volunteer up a reason, but ultimately regardless of reason, if the change is making you unhappy and he can't come up with a solution, you get to decide whether to put up with it or not.

BitOfFun Fri 05-Jun-15 02:25:28

So you've been waiting to catch him out, but all you've got is a two hour gap of him replying to a neighbour's text?

I'd hang fire- it sounds like you are trying to make the "evidence" fit your feelings.

goddessofsmallthings Fri 05-Jun-15 04:04:54

If my mind is elsewhere, or I've left my phone deep in the recesses of my bag or coat pocket, or on the sofa/kitchen table while I've gone to answer the door, I often don't realise that I've received an incoming message for considerably more than 2 hours.

I suggest you suspend judgement until you have determined whether the 'injection' has worked - and sniff around the phone he 'forgot to get rid' of' if it doesn't.

ovumahead Fri 05-Jun-15 04:50:36

The evidence you mention doesn't seem to fit the crime... I don't see how you can conclude that he's having an affair from that text. His behaviour is suspicious, but I'd be more concerned about your lack of willingness to talk to him about that. Why tolerate crappy sex with no discussion? Disinterested responses to your communication? Those are conversations you absolutely must have.

something2say Fri 05-Jun-15 07:19:49

I agree with the others - the comment that jumps out at me the most is that you might think you are settling, in terms of him calling the shots. You want to make plans and go out together, he is happy not to bother. This is what I think the issue is. You could keep this man, but is he making you happy?

sanfairyanne Fri 05-Jun-15 07:44:24

you dont need a reason to split up, other than not being happy together. and you dont sound happy with him.

ItsRainingInBaltimore Fri 05-Jun-15 07:52:57

So you think that the fact someone texted him at 9 and he didn't reply until 11 is proof that he is having an affair? confused sorry but that sounds irrational and paranoid.

When you say you have suspected him of being unfaithful in the past, did you have anything more concrete to go on than him just being a bit unenthusiastic and offhand with you? I do think gut feeling counts for a lot, but from what you've said so far you don't really seem to have anything that adds up.

Sammasati Fri 05-Jun-15 08:16:05

Op trust your instincts they are there for a reason.

You don't trust him, you don't have to be with him. The dreams you had are just that really, you can find someone who will want to make together dreams come true, it doesn't sound as though this man does.

HellonHeels Fri 05-Jun-15 10:04:06

Bu the neighbour had already called him at home prior to sending the text. Neighbour had called to say his cattle were loose, then followed up with a text later as he hadn't answered the home phone.

From that OP assumes that DP was out overnight and not at home to take the neighbour's call. Which doesn't seem unreasonable in my view.

The phone in the glovebox is a bit off as well. I have a few old phones, they are stuffed in a junk drawer at home, not taking up space in the glovebox of my car.

MissPronounced Fri 05-Jun-15 10:33:59

You know your partner and the relationship you have - so if you know he would usually definitely have mentioned the cattle situation but didn't, then that could certainly be suspect. Equally, if you feel your sex life has changed, then there may be a reason for that.

In the case of my fairly-recent breakup it was these sorts of changes in behaviour that were only apparent with the benefit of hindsight. That doesn't mean for sure that you've 'caught him out', though. Nothing you've mentioned is definitive proof that he's been up to no good, so don't write him off just yet.

It's been preying on your mind for a long time, so I think it'd be worth coming clean about looking at his phone and just asking him about it all.

sheffieldstealer Fri 05-Jun-15 10:47:40

yes, but unless you know what he said in the call all that is a bit meaningless. He could have been on his way out to deal with the cattle - hence missing the first call, then the text, if he was caught up in cow-wrangling - and the phone call could have been to say, 'Thanks, mate, just got your message, the cows are back in the field, I owe you a pint.'

You can't go all Sherlock Holmes on him for suspecting lying when you're doing it yourself! He could equally be talking to a friend right now, along the lines of 'I was going to surprise nobody with a pizza last night but she said she was working late, so I went to her work to give her a lift home and she wasn't there. Then she told me a neighbour was round, when I called her, but she didn't sound like she was telling the truth. She's seeing someone else, isn't she?'

If there are problems you need to discuss them. Yes, it's an awkward conversation to start but if the relationship's worth saving, you have to tackle it, instead of letting things die with a thousand tiny unspoken suspicions that might be founded on absolutely nothing.

sheffieldstealer Fri 05-Jun-15 10:52:24

And re the phone: I've got a spare phone in the glove compartment of my car for emergencies - not just for phoning if mine didn't have coverage/battery but for taking photos in case of an accident/using as an iPod, etc. I've got a few spare phones; it made sense to keep one in there, rather than stuck in a drawer with the rest. It doesn't have to be suspicious.

I'd guess this is one of those situations where your gut instinct is more likely to be right than any evidence-gathering - if you sense something's not right, then talk about it. Don't drive yourself mad for months on end.

ALaughAMinute Fri 05-Jun-15 11:12:04

I wouldn't say you've 'caught him out' but maybe your gut instinct is telling you something?

RubbishMantra Fri 05-Jun-15 11:16:40

But OP's partner could have been in the shower, nipped out to the shop, asleep even.

Re the mobile in glove box, was there a charger with it? That would be suspect.

Patchworkpatty Fri 05-Jun-15 11:18:38

If my partner behaved in the irrational paranoid way you are displaying , I would run and not look back. Why do you feel the need to manufacture a reason to leave a relationship ? you can just end it you know . Or are you afraid to be the 'bad' guy . To me, he has done absolutely nothing wrong. he took two hours to return a call and was out at 9 on a Saturday morning..really ? how about he was in the shower/toilet/garden/garage/ asleep and didn't hear it...Or God forbid, out , just out shopping, not banging his mistress ? as for spare phone, dh had one in his globe compartment in case of no. coverage, breakdown etc. as does dm and Df. Sorry OP you need to stop the snooping and trust or leave.

Lavenderice Fri 05-Jun-15 11:28:48

I'm sorry OP it looks as though you are putting 2 and 2 together and getting 5. He may be having an affair but there's no evidence of it there. You say you hate lying but that's exactly what you've been doing. If you want out just leave, or carry on the way you are and he will.

BolshierAyraStark Fri 05-Jun-15 11:43:08

Jeez, what you've got is sketchy at best tbh & I wouldn't be jumping to any conclusions from it.
You don't sound happy or secure in this relationship & that is the reason to end it rather than looking for evidence of something that might not even be there-you could just send yourself crazy on that route.

Joysmum Fri 05-Jun-15 12:21:47

It's telling that such sketchy facts means you feel youve caught him out!

Tbh I think this shows how empty the relationship is and you don't need proof to end it, just do so because it's not making you happy.

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