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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

AIBU to think that father to be of twins is mean

21 replies

Kemet · 22/05/2015 13:01

Hi, Im 30 weeks pregnant with twins.

Father of twins has known since day one about pregnancy. We were not in a serious relationship when I conceived. From 7 - 16 weeks suffered from Hyperemesis so didn't see him much as we dont live together.

Since I have got better we have been communicating via text, just small talk really, how we are etc. I have met up with him twice in the last month, 1st occasion just briefly to see each other as hadn't for a few months and last occasion was yesterday where he accompanied me to 30 week hospital check up.

He drove to the hospital in his flashy new car and I offered to pay for the parking and he just said "you got change have you" which I replied "yes" and I proceeded to pay, which I dont have a problem with. Not once during the time we were together did he ask if I wanted a drink or something to eat.

Since I told him I was pregnant in November he has not asked if there is anything I need for the twins or said what shall I buy for the twins.

I dont feel that I should ask him to help with buying essentials for twins, because I think that as a man he should know that he should of contributed something by now, even a tenner, something! Why should I have to tell him what he should already know, be doing. He has 2 children already and seems to look after them emotionally and financially.

Should I just accept that he is mean, or maybe he is waiting until twins are born to put his hands in his pocket. Dont want to get stressed about this but it is niggling at me. I dont like relying on people for anything and will do what I have to do, but I still feel that as the twins father he SHOULD of contributed something by now to the things they will need, no matter how small.

I would be grateful for some outside thoughts/analysis on this, thanks.

OP posts:

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Ocho · 22/05/2015 13:04

talk to him

sebsmummy1 · 22/05/2015 13:05

Have you discussed maintenance for when the children are here?

RightSideOfWrong · 22/05/2015 13:06

Have you talked about how this will work?

If he hasn't contributed anything by now, I'd say he's not expecting too. It's not like he's even got the excuse of not knowing what babies need - he's got two others. He just doesn't seem to think that he's got any obligation to provide anything for these babies, or he doesn't think you want him too.

I wouldn't wait for him to buy things. I'd either accept that he probably won't, and see anything that he does buy at a later date as a bonus, or tell him what you expect.

He's either extremely stingy, or he's seeing you as a loose acquaintance that he doesn't need to provide for or think about.

FenellaFellorick · 22/05/2015 13:07

I think that you need to talk to him.

You can't not discuss something with someone and then complain that they aren't doing what you'd like. you have to have a conversation. People don't always behave how you would want or hope that they would. You have a responsibility to communicate your needs and expectations.

Congrats on your pregnancy.

SurlyCue · 22/05/2015 13:07

Right you need to get over this "he should know to offer" and just tell him when you need things. He is no mind reader. The babies arent here so they cant need anything yet, but he wont realise that maybe you are needing things or getting organised early. You just need to tell him instead of sulking that he hasnt offered.

AuntieStella · 22/05/2015 13:08

If you don't ask, you won't get.

Yes, it would be nicer if he began the 'how are we going to work all this out, and what do we need?' conversation, but as he hasn't started it, unless you want an enduring silence, then you need to be the one to break its. Because no, it doesn't occur to everyone to plan ahead. And there's no point in your moving out of your comfort zone in terms of level of preparation.

tumbletumble · 22/05/2015 13:08

You should get a proper financial arrangement in place for when the babies are born.

flora717 · 22/05/2015 13:09

From what you described, he's not opening conversations. He is not ignoring you nor burying his head. Tell him you need to discuss finances as you need to plan.
You're the complete lead as (initially at the very least certainly hospital and early days) you're in charge, you take the lead on behalf of the twins AND outline you want his input to work as they grow up.

YDdraigGoch · 22/05/2015 13:10

Ask him to come with you on a shopping trip. Tell him you won't be able to manage financially on your own and that he's going to have to help out.

In my experience, men aren't very good at planning ahead for impending children - he may not understand how much "stuff" you'll need, even though he's had other kids already.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 22/05/2015 13:29

I'm sorry that you're having to go through this pretty much alone. You will have to spell it out for him regarding what you need for the babies because he doesn't have a relationship with you by the sounds of it, meaning that his 'caring for you' button is switched off or was never 'on' in the first place.

So tell him what you need and make him equally responsible for his not yet born children. He won't do this without instruction because he doesn't seem in any way invested in this pregnancy or in you.

Do you have support available from other people, Kemet?

Kemet · 22/05/2015 13:40

@ LyingWitchInTheWardrobe, I have support from my family.

OP posts:

Lewaney3 · 22/05/2015 13:41

Firstly congratulations kemet on your twins! :) I'm also 30 weeks with twins. Exciting times!

I second what many above have said... You definitely need to talk to him regarding financials for twins and even the kind of relationship he wishes to have with them?

I've personally found twins to be quite literally double the cost at every point... I know you don't like the idea of relying on anyone however they are his financial responsibility as equally as yours.

Also on a more general note I've found my DH quite nearly needed it spelled out for him as to what we need and how much it will cost us... He said all the baby items x2 were overwhelming so just let's me get on with the shopping but provides financial support. So perhaps raising the items you need for twins and asking him to contribute?

Good luck with the rest of the pregnancy :)

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 22/05/2015 13:56

I'm very glad, Kemet, that should make it a bit easier for you and just having the support makes all the difference. I hope the rest of your pregnancy is trouble-free and that this man steps up for these new babies as he has for his other two children.

hereandtherex · 22/05/2015 14:19

Have you told him they are his?

SurlyCue · 22/05/2015 15:44

is there any reason you think she wouldnt have told them they were his?

expatinscotland · 22/05/2015 15:59

First of all, stop offering to pay for FA for him. WTF are you doing paying for his parking? Secondly, you need to get some legal advice as to what he will need to pay. Don't tell him until you have done it. He is a skinflint. But that does not exempt him for paying for his own kids.

NerrSnerr · 22/05/2015 16:06

I would get advice straight away from a solicitor and would apply through the CSA as soon as you're able.

Cabrinha · 22/05/2015 16:48

Don't say you don't have a problem with him letting you pay for parking when you obviously do!

Unless he knows you're very hard up, no reason he shouldn't accept you paying for parking when you offered. And it sounds like it was more of a "whose got change" moment anyway.

Similarly not offering to buy you a drink at the hospital appointment - did you offer him? You're adults who are not in a relationship.

Now he should have approached the financial support question by now. But then so should you.
At 30 weeks (or even 34 as a fairer comparison as I had a single) I hadn't paid out anything.

Stop over thinking whether he is mean or not, and tell him you need to get support sorted ASAP before you have babies to worry about.

expatinscotland · 22/05/2015 19:38

'Similarly not offering to buy you a drink at the hospital appointment - did you offer him? You're adults who are not in a relationship.'

And she is pregnant with his twin babies .

Stop putting your hand in your pocket, OP and get some legal advice on what he needs to pay for his children.

goddessofsmallthings · 22/05/2015 20:22

Compile a list of all of the equipment plus clothing that will be required for the twins' first few months and ask him to pay half. If he demurs, tell him to trade his new car in for a less flashy model.

As this type of conversation is best conducted face to face, I suggest you arrange to meet him at a restaurant and, regardless of his response to your request, DON'T offer to split the bill.

Kemet · 23/05/2015 18:07

Thanks to everyone who replied, I will speak to him about financial contributions and take it from there. I just hope he steps up to his responsibilities in all areas, if not I will manage!

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