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How to take back the control i need?

(8 Posts)
gainingcontrol1 Thu 21-May-15 21:40:16

Im 36, married and have 1 child.

Basically my mum and husband to an extent have complete control over me.

My mum still treats me the same way she always has as a teenager and still speaks to me like one and still gives me telling offs or speaks her mind to me about my life/child regardless of how it makes me feel.

My husband can be overpowering, doesn't like me to go out with the girls, likes to know what im doing where I am.

I feel I life my whole live to keep these 2 pleased! Every thing I do, I think about them first and what they might say and im sick of this.

My marriage has been unhappy for a number of years but I stay regardless as I don't want to make anyone else unhappy.

How do I get control of my own life?

glitteryflange Thu 21-May-15 21:53:57

Examples please.

You do have control. You just feel that for an easier life it's easier to do as your told?

Maybe now it's time to live for you.

If they wasn't in agreement with you, would you care? Would it bother you? If it did - why?

glitteryflange Thu 21-May-15 21:55:17

Sorry just seen you gave examples.

Have you spoken to them about how you feel?

Does your husband go out with his mates?

gainingcontrol1 Thu 21-May-15 22:08:52

I go along with both of them as I feel really anxious and worry so much if I feel im doing something wrong.

Its so stupid, I still pander to them like a child would. Embarrassingly a colleague commented to how much control I actually have of my own life.

I have been thinking of leaving my H for 5 yrs! But can as im not brave enough to take on a decision myself incase of what people say/think.

mrspavarotti Thu 21-May-15 23:44:28

My suggestion would be: as a starter read "the Verbally Abusive Relationship=" by Patrica Evans, also read the sticky at the top of this Relationships board.

Both of these will help you to recognise/identify the controlling tactics....cos yes, controlling you is a form of Verbal/Emotional Abuse.

Also "Living with the Dominator" which is part of the Freedom Programme (you can enrol online for this if there isn't one near you).

You've already started to realise what's going on - well done smile

Can't write more at the mo but didn't want to read and run xx

pocketsaviour Fri 22-May-15 17:48:10

Have a look at Susan Froward's "Toxic Parents" book. "If You Had Controlling Parents" is also a good one.

It sounds to me like your mother's been controlling you throughout your life, and you've ended up choosing a controlling husband because it's familiar, it feels safe. Now you're starting to feel the constriction and your eyes are opening a bit.

Try doing some reading and then see where you want to take things. You could also consider seeing a therapist to talk things through (on your own, not marriage counselling.)

pictish Fri 22-May-15 17:51:19

Why doesn't he like you going out with the girls? What reasons does he give for stopping you?

glitteryflange Fri 22-May-15 19:31:29

Hope your ok OP.
It takes a lot of courage to stand up to people who have trodden you down for so long.
You realise you don't have to put up with it so don't.

My advice to you would be baby steps. Don't expect massive changes overnight. Take back control gradually and for keeps.

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