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I should never have been a mum.(22 Posts)
I'm crap at it. I'd like to walk away right now. I don't know what I'm doing. I was badly abused myself when young so I don't have much of a template to work off. I had dc's because dh was absolutely desperate for them. We're divorcing now because of his abusive behaviour & the dc's are with me. I'm already involved with every agency. I have no peace as they're always in our lives & I'm reluctant to tell them how I feel for the shame of it & because I don't want to give my abusive dh any more canon fodder to use against me. We're splitting after 21 years together & I don't know what to do with my life any more except be my dc's personal slave. I have friends but no family but no one really wants to get involved because my family's too much trouble. I think I've had enough of life. I've had more than my fair share of crap. What's there to look forward to? Trouble is, I'm forced to stay around for my dc's. I can't imagine myself being happy & being capable of running my own life.
Oh op you sound so fed up.
Why specifically do you feel your not a bad mum?
You know we all think that at one time or another don't you?
Didn't want to read and run, you poor thing, you sound so sad. Are you safe right now? Someone much better at this will be along in a minute to hold your hand, I'm sure. Keep talking.
You're not a crap mum, btw. You're just not.
Didn't want to read and run OP. I think most people have the odd day where they feel fed up, but this sounds like something more serious. Possibly depression? Maybe your ex's behaviour has also contributed to how you feel? I know I am certainly much happier since getting rid of DS's dad as he too was an abusive arse.
Which agencies are you involved with? Do you feel like they are providing you with adequate support? Could you call a voluntary organisation anonymously if you're worried about being judged?
Yes, OP, could you use the agencies to access therapy or parenting courses. Kids of lots of hard work and being tied to the house, but they can be a lot of fun too. I would like to see you also learn how to enjoy them.
Could you be depressed op?
How many dc and how old? Is your DH having contact with them to give you a break?
You say agencies are involved, does that mean SS?
Are the children on a plan?
three dc. dh has them for 3hrs a week. Involved with police, ss, yes the dc are on a plan. Much good it does me. Dh is very slippery & nothing sticks to him.
Oh OP, I feel for you. I have no idea what it's like to have teenagers- my eldest is only 6. But for a long time when they were little, I fantasized about running away and leaving my family. I thought I was so crap that they'd be better off without me. It wasn't true, though. I was depressed and I was seeing the world through a very negative filter.
Please go and see your GP and tell them how you're feeling- there will be help available. You don't have to feel like a crap mum.
And your teenagers- can you tell us one thing that you/like feel proud of about each of them? No matter how little, something that is good. Tonight, tell them that good thing- start a positive interaction.
Was it the SS who insisted you don't live with your DH?
Is his contact supervised or could he see them more?
I hate it when MNers say this, but you sound seriously depressed OP, which isn't surprising given what you've been thru and you are very normal to find it mind-bogglingly tough, but tough isn't the same as hopeless. Could you go see a GP to confess that you're struggling to see anything positive in life?
I wonder if all those years of living with the EA husband was a support for you, even if it was awful, it was the devil you knew how to live with. Now you're in free-fall with so many new things to cope with. Hang in there. x
Don't think your a crap mum OP, the proper crap mums don't give a toss and you clearly do. At this point you've been dealt a crap hand, horrible exH, agencies and shitty teenagers would make anybody want to run away. The old mumsnet saying rings true, 'this too shall pass', hang on in there and get thee to the doctors. Better informed netters will be along shortly to give better advice than I can. Here to hold your hand though.
I have often felt the same! We arnt all perfect.. But we and you are NOT crap mums, you've brought them into the world and they are now teenagers!
You do sound very low which is understandable after the recent events, I would defiantly agree with above, get yourself down the GP he may give you something but if you don't want it then just ask for someone to talk to, it'll really help you to have some friendly company from someone who can help.
Don't let yourself get any lower, please.x
You are not a crap mum, as a previous poster said, if you were you wouldn't be on here asking for advice because you just wouldn't care. I also hate it when people make an online diagnosis but you do sound very depressed by your post, get yourself to the GP, even if you don't get any medication at least it you would have someone to talk to. You aren't alone in feeling like this, and I think it's much more common than people admit to, it's a bit of a given in society that being a woman you are supposed to be a natural mother but it's more common than you think. I'm not maternal at all, but I love my DC's and I'm not the best mum in the world either, but I try my best and they are happy, healthy and loved. Do you work or have any hobbies? If they are teenagers could you not start to get some of your life back and remember who you are?
Very much agree with PPs. If you were really a crap mum you wouldn't be saying "I'm a crap mum", you'd be saying "My teenagers are crap".
Are the police involved because of your DC getting in trouble? Can the school offer any support? Could it be worth looking into a referral to CAMHS for family counselling that might help you all find your roles in this new family set up?
Please do see your GP as your desperation shines through your post. Ask for the help you need - SS are not going to just chuck your DC in care because you tell them you're struggling. If they did that every time, half the teenagers in the land would be in care!
Yes, it was ss who insisted we separate. We're already involved with camhs, although none of the dcs are really 'engaging'. Dh is a slippery bastard who gets away with everything. His contact is not monitored. SS just look at me with a 'hmm' & nod. Life is horrible. I've had all 9 free counselling sessions through the gp. I don't feel like I have the energy to be a mum any more. I haven't a clue what I'm doing.
I read all that and I think, well Thais is your starting point then.
And if I were you, a survivor myself and now a support worker, I would get a piece of paper and write all of your points down one by one, with space by each one, and work out what I plan to do about each point.
The one about being everybody's slave for example. You would write that you know this is wrong and it is making you unhappy, and as the days pass pay regard to the things you enjoy doing. Stick them down and slowly work out who you are, what you like doing and what you want to do more of.
You will get there xx survivors are all like this, grew up the wrong way, but we can sort it out and it's never too late xxx
Being in an abusive relationship absolutely destroys your sense of self worth. I very much doubt you are in fact a 'crap mum' because of this single fact. It is OK to have never wanted children and to be unhappy with your life because you feel you have been or have actually been forced into having children and a life that you would never have chosen because of being in a relationship with an abuser.
I think you are very likely in the first stages of separating emotionally from your abuser as this introspective kind of self hate and hopelessness is very common. You can get through it though, you can be happy and value yourself and improve your own happiness with your life as an individual (rather than feeling your life is one of slavery to the kids).
Your comment about not knowing what to do other than slave over the kids is another one that makes me think this is all related to your relationship. Abusive partners train you to be a slave, they cause you to feel powerless and to feel your unhappiness is irrelevant and to effectively become their slave and when the relationship ends there is a power vacuum. It is easy to be left feeling bereft of leadership and looking for a replacement slave driver whilst feeling unhappy but powerless to change the situation. It's all normal and none of it is your fault. It's simply that you will not have been allowed to have control over your life for the 21 years you were with your abuser. Some people end up in repetitive cycles of abusive relationships because of the power vacuum left behind - not through choice but because of the damaging socialisation process the first abuser (family in your case) has inflicted on them.
Women's aid support and counselling can be enormously helpful and the aim really is to identify (which you are doing already) your feelings and come to terms with them, regain your sense of worth and power and eventually be confident enough to take control of your own life and move forward into a way of life that is about making you happy. It can definitely be done but please be kind to yourself as it may take a while and it is important to realise that as a person who was abused in childhood and then in a long marriage the things that have happened to you were not in your control and are not your fault, you can get to a place where you feel happier but you aren't feeling unhappy right now because you are crap, you feel you are crap because the abusive people in your life have told you through their words and behaviour that you are crap all your life and their voices are more powerful in your head right now than your own.
I have had similar experiences btw. It is hard to unpick abuse that began in childhood. Often therapists try to regress you to a time you felt happy and had self worth but if you were abused in childhood you likely will have never really have felt happy or any real self worth. In this situation you need to learn that you can feel happy before you learn how to live a happy life and that is more difficult but not impossible. I completely understand why you feel hopeless, it is completely understandable. What significantly helped me after being in a number of abusive relationships was having a safe and secure home that felt like my own place, untouched by the abuser. Also temporarily taking anti-depressants in combination with therapy so that I felt better enough to actually take some positive steps forward and make changes that I needed to. It may well be different for you but I suggest you scale down your expectations of yourself to something more in proportion with how much you should be able to expect from someone who has been through so much trauma. Sometimes just making a necessary phone call, making tea for the kids, saying no, you little things can be quite big achievements and once you start viewing them as such you build up you self-esteem and actually become able to make bigger and bigger achievements.
" I don't feel like I have the energy to be a mum any more. I haven't a clue what I'm doing"
Nobody does, teenagers are bloody hard work, we're all just winging it.
I don't have any of your other stuff going on and I find teenagers the hardest stage so far, I'd never have thought I'd say that back when they were little and I was sleep deprived...but it's such a slog sometimes.
teenagers are bloody hard work, we're all just winging it
How true that is!
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