Not sure this is the right place - uncomfortable about childhood 'game'

[getyourgeekon]

Tried to keep the title neutral to avoid trolls. I'm sorry if this is not the right part of the forum.

I'm seeing a counsellor at the moment - had PND and we are now working though issues relating to attachment, past domestic violence, low self esteem.

I think I want to talk to her about something but I don't know if I'm being ridiculous. When I was about 5 my neighbour (also a girl) used to come and play alone in my room with me. I was the 'prince' and she was the 'princess'. We would end up naked under my bedcovers and I would - what I now know, as an adult, to call - perform
oral sex. My memory is fuzzy, but I don't think I instigated it. I have always felt ashamed and dirty about this - maybe partly because I was the 'boy', though I was often cast as a boy in games because I was tall and had very short hair. It stopped when we moved, I think.

I just can't see how any child would know about this act? Could it be totally innocent? It feels significant in the context of my difficult childhood, though I have no memory of expeiencing any abuse.

I am trying to drum up the courage to discuss it with my counsellor and I guess it would help to have the perspective of others on an 'anonymous' forum. Sorry if I've rambled - it's hard to write about this.

[Mostlyjustaluker]

If this is something you are worried about, which you are, then you are right to discuss it with your counsellor. If you are unsure how to start the conversation then you could write it downs show her/him.

[sparkdoor]

I agree with the first poster - if this is something you feel uncomfortable with or want to discuss, then do so. I have name changed for the next bit, as I don't know how other people feel about this.

I also played these kinds of games as a child, with quite a few different children, both boys and girls. Nothing I would describe as 'oral sex', but certainly touching and looking. I think I mainly instigated these things. It was innocent -I had absolutely no idea about sex, I just knew it felt nice. I was never abused or exposed to anything like this. I do sometimes feel embarrassed and guilty that I was the instigator in these games, but nobody ever said they didn't want to play. I kind of knew it was rude, I wouldn't have done it in front of my parents. I'm making this sound as though my childhood was full of this kind of playing, it wasn't and most of the time I played normal games. I'm still friends with some of the people this happened with and we never mention it. I was very young and grew out of it. I've since read that this is fairly common.

An ex boyfriend of mine described doing something very similar to you with the girl next door, which an adult would describe as oral sex. He said that they were playing a silly game where they would kiss each other in lots of different places and happened to discover that this felt quite nice.

I also remember one incident when I did feel uncomfortable and refused to play, but this was when I was older and had more of an idea of sex and no longer played these games. He was the older brother of my friend. I now know that he Was abused as a child, which I suppose explains why he was still instigating that kind of play at an older age.

However, I will repeat what I said above and say that if you feel uncomfortable, do bring it up with your therapist. My experiences are just that - mine, and have no bearing on how you should feel about your childhood experiences.

[getyourgeekon]

Thank you both so much. I think writing it down on paper would be difficult for me, but even writing it here will help me formulate some sentences.
Sparkdoor, until recently I'd not thought much more of it, though it was always something I felt 'wrong' about. But then I subsequently expeirenced a lot of problems around sex, so i don't feel that I have a 'normal' view of things.
I also wondered if it seems particularly bad now because people seem to be much more on the ball about these kind of things - analysing children's sexualised behaviour?

[sparkdoor]

I do understand what you're saying about it feeling 'wrong' and I do feel embarrassed by it when I think about it. It's not something I would ever discuss with friends etc, so I don't know how common it really is. Do you think your problems with sex stem from this? I thought sex was very shameful for quite a time as a teenager, but I believe this comes from my very religious upbringing. I still feel very uncomfortable with any mention of sex around my parents. Although, my mom did once come in and check on me and my friend when we'd been 'comparing' bits. She took me to one side and told me that I didn't have to play anything I didn't want to, and left it at that. So they clearly didn't think it was too shocking! I'm sorry I can't give more advice or answers, but you could perhaps try to rehearse what you will say to your therapist if you do decide to bring this up. I have written a letter in the past and found it very useful, but did also practice saying specific sentences so that I could get them out properly once I was in there. I even used to take little bullet point lists so I could remember to say everything I wanted to.

[getyourgeekon]

I honestly don't know if it contributed to things, I haven't 'gone there' myself or talked to my counsellor (yet) but I'm trying to connect the dots, I suppose. I certainly feel have felt dirty and 'slutty' and question whether I'm deviant in some way (- maybe I invited abuse in later life etc). All rather messy and definitely stuff I need to start unpicking with my counsellor.

I'm so grateful for your response, many thanks. It's helpful to hear other's experiences.

[33goingon64]

I can only add that I also had some fumblings under the duvet with a female friend when we were both 5 or 6. I think we knew it was naughty but it felt nice. It may only have happened once but I can recall it vividly. I've never connected it to anything really and think it's probably quite common.

[pocketsaviour]

Think that we've all become a bit hysterical about children's sexual behaviour. There seems to be some who think that children cannot have sexual feelings and urges - as if a child turns 16/18 and someone flips a switch marked "sex drive"!

Young children do masturbate and explore their bodies together - I certainly did as a kid. In fact I used to get regularly publicly shamed for masturbating (cheers mum). The reason nobody talks about these things is because were all terrified of getting labelled as deviants, or that someone will say ohhhh, you must have been abused.

If you feel upset about it then do discuss with your counsellor, if only for the reassurance that it is common and normal and does not mean you have been abused necessarily.

[DarkNavyBlue]

I always thought this type of exploratory, essentially 'innocent' behaviour was what people were mean when they talk about children playing 'doctors and nurses'.