Hi,
Didn't know whether to put this in parenting or here, but it's a tricky one and I'd be really grateful for any thoughts.
DS (10) is a lovely lovely boy. He also has AS and is struggling at the moment with school/friends/the fact that his Dad and I are separated and various other things. He has a lot on his plate and he's generally a trouper and my heart goes out to him.
Unfortunately a big part of how he deals with his anger/frustration about life is that he tends to 'kick off' a lot towards me - becoming very hostile, rude, verbally aggressive and very occasionally physically so. I do my best to maintain a calm but unaccepting stance towards these behaviours. His Dad and I have a great co-parenting relationship/friendship so are very much working as a team on this and applying consistent messages about which behaviours are unacceptable, discussing what would be a better way of dealing with the feelings etc.
And of course within this there are times that I have to assert boundaries and make myself unpopular with DS in the process. Like leaving the room when he's saying nasty things and saying we'll discuss it when he's calmed down, etc. So far so normal, I guess.
What I'm finding difficult is that he has a tendency to phone my mum right in the heat of the moment. She lives just round the corner and although we generally have a good relationship I have struggled at times with feeling like I have healthy boundaries with her - she can be quite overbearing and critical. I have found over the years that it's better to have my struggles in private and present a self-contained face where she's concerned. I therefore almost feel undermined when DS does this - like he's not accepting my authority and deferring to a 'higher' one, or like he's showing up how 'crap' I am to someone who'll always be an audience for that negativity.
On the other hand, I don't want to get in the way of his accessing valuable emotional support when he needs it. I have said to him that the rule is that he needs to check with me before phoning, unless it's an emergency or he ever feels unsafe. But I'm worried that in doing this I'm maybe being a bit controlling and putting my own needs before his. I don't ever want to do this!
What do you think? WWYD?
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DS phoning granny mid-confrontation
roundwindow · 06/05/2015 10:18
Wow, thanks blankgaze. I thought maybe it was just me being too controlling but you're right about the boundaries being overstepped.
Sadly, Joysmum, this means that I wouldn't have a hope in hell of enlisting my mum's cooperation in the ways you did. What an excellent way of handling it, though and thank you for sharing. I rather feel my DM milks the situation to her advantage - it makes her feel like the 'higher power' and then she lords it over me later. Oh well 
Yeah, just put your fingers metaphorically in your ears and sing 'La-la-la-la-la' sounds like you doing just fine and can employ the same rule!! 
OP I could have written your post. Ds1 (also AS) did this often. He's now 14 and has just about made the leap to reasoning in his own head instead.
We did what handywoman says too, yes discuss it on the phone in the heat of the moment with granny, use it to make your mind up what you're saying, but the rl "conversation" aka confrontation, usually him in the wrong would be based on his own views alone. My mum got much better at sitting on the fence and more or less repeating stuff back to him, rather than getting involved as such (mainly because she didn't want to fall out with either him or me) and he learned valuable skills by her doing that. DS always felt that someone whose face he couldn't see was going to give him a more unbiased view. There's aspie logic for you 
I don't suppose changing granny's number on the phone memory and in the address book would work would it!
haha, sadly not. He is blessed with the gift of an AS memory for numbers
And thank you, Jemima. Really useful to hear of others' similar experiences (and a possible light at the end of the tunnel)
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