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Just found out ex cheated on me constantly - not sure how to feel

10 replies

goldfishgoldfish · 01/05/2015 21:41

Relevant background - my current DH and my ex are friends. I was with ex from when I was 21 to 25 roughly. My DH is/was one of his friends and how I got to know him originally. We didn't get together for years after I split with ex. I'm very happy with DH and we have a 2 year old DD.

Earlier DH was getting ready to go on exs stag weekend. He made a comment about being curious to see if ex had changed and if he was going to behave himself. I asked him what he meant and he said that ex cheated a lot on every girlfriend he had, including me.

I'm not sure how to process this. I'm not upset now but I'm kind of heartbroken for the girl I was. Does that make sense? I loved ex when I was with him and I did suspect things sometimes but he was always the kind of man who was the life and soul of the party and I didn't want to be the paranoid jealous girlfriend.

I'm sure I'll forget about in a a day or two but for now it's kind of nagging at me and I'm remembering things I overlooked or he just said he was being friendly.

OP posts:

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YvyB · 02/05/2015 08:59

Sounds to me like you should congratulate the girl you were for recognising a lovely man when she did finally meet him and for building a happy marriage and family with him.
For the sake of his bride-to-be, I hope your ex has finally grown up, but other than hoping for the same, I really wouldn't give it another thought. You had a lucky escape!

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CrispyFern · 02/05/2015 09:05

Your DH was not very nice to tell you that.
Is he jealous of your ex?

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Kiwiinkits · 02/05/2015 10:05

Why is your DH friends with a dickish man who cheats? Still? You can tell a lot about a person by the company they keep....

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Kiwiinkits · 02/05/2015 10:12

I would feel very betrayed too, op. Just because it happened in the past doesn't make it less hurtful.

I suspect that perhaps what is happening is that it makes you feel vulnerable? You're thinking: I was taken for a fool then, what's stopping me from being taken for a fool this time? It's making you question your own trust and judgment

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NaiceNickname · 02/05/2015 10:23

What exactly did your DH hope to achieve by telling you this? Does he perhaps still have a niggling shred of jealousy and is trying to make sure you'd never want to go back there? Or did he just want to hurt you? When you throw something like that out there, you know it will have some sort of effect. It's just figuring out which one he was hoping for.

It's normal to feel betrayed even if it is in the past. Don't feel bad or guilty, but try not to dwell on it either. Lucky escape eh?

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dangerrabbit · 02/05/2015 10:55

Why did your DH decide to tell you this now?

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Summerbreezer · 02/05/2015 11:00

I would not be at all worried about the ex, twunt that he is.

I would be EXTREMELY concerned about a DH who:

a. Is good friends with someone who is a serial cheat with no respect for women

b. Felt it necessary to tell you such hurtful information with no obvious purpose (other than to hurt you).

I would be asking those questions, OP.

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Twinklestein · 02/05/2015 11:13

Odd that you haven't had this conversation already. But might he have assumed you knew?

Alternatively, he may think it's water so far under the bridge now that you wouldn't care.

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mistymeanour · 02/05/2015 11:23

I don't always think people are being malicious when they let a "secret" slip. Sometimes they really just can't help themselves and unconsiously want to be free of the weight of that knowledge.

Agree with Twinklestein perhaps your DH assumed you knew.

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goldfishgoldfish · 02/05/2015 13:17

Sorry - I kind of forgot I posted this! To clarify a few things - DH and ex aren't GOOD friends, it's basically a Facebook friendship, but they're from the same area and a stag is a great opportunity to meet all his friends at the same time, which is rare these days.

I think DH thought I knew, I'd mentioned ex cheating on me but I just knew about an overlap between me and his next girlfriend. After DH clarified ex had cheated on me more than that he said something like "you can't be upset about it now". I think he didn't think it would affect me.

kiwiinkits it does make me feel vulnerable yes. It makes me feel embarrassed as well as obviously it was common knowledge.

I'm not concerned about DHs motivation.