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I think we're separating

(14 Posts)
phantomhairpuller Fri 01-May-15 11:01:27

I posted this in divorce/separation the other day but only got one reply. I haven't got the first clue what I need to do first. If anyone has been through similar and can point me in the right direction I'd be really grateful.

I think myself and my husband may be about to split up. There have been issues for years, some of which I have posted about on MN. I am well aware that I am far from perfect but I cannot be his emotional punchbag any more. I am fully aware that there are two sides to every story but I'm exhausted from years of playing this game.
We have a two year old and a four-year-old (who has just been accepted into a local school for September start). One of the issues I have is that we moved to this area with my husband's job four years ago but our families are 30 miles away and if we are separating I fully intend to move back down to the area that we came from i.e where my support network is. The last thing I want to do is take his children away from him but he works full time and there is no way he could look after them during the week.
I have absolutely no idea where to turn or where to go to look for advice. I don't want to involve either of our families at this stage because I don't think it's fair on them.
Can anyone help me?

ImperialBlether Fri 01-May-15 11:07:42

You should ask MNHQ to move this to the Relationships thread, OP.

I'm sorry to hear that you're separating.

Thirty miles is nothing really - he could easily drive down and see the children in the week if he wanted to. If you are near to your family and support network then you'll be in work sooner and it'll be a huge help if you want to go out or if one of the children can't go to school one day. There's the additional bonus of you not bumping into each other all the time - that's worth an awful lot.

What do you think your husband's reaction will be when you tell him?

fairylightsbackintheloft Fri 01-May-15 11:16:21

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Christinayangstwistedsister Fri 01-May-15 11:19:50

Move this to relationships, you will get lots of advice and support there

hellsbellsmelons Fri 01-May-15 11:22:43

I know you don't want to.. but please involve your family.
It's a difficult time and you will need help and support. Especially if you are moving to be near them.
In the first instant I would get a free half hour appointment with a solicitor to see where you stand.
30 miles is not far so this shouldn't be a problem.
Your DH can have them every other weekend.
You will need a list of your assets.
What he earns.
Give CAB a call and get some advice on what benefits you are entitled to as a single mother.
Then get onto the CSA and find out what you are entitled to from your DH for maintenance for the kids.
If you are moving to be close to your family you need to look at schools very quickly. Spaces have already been allocated so get in contact with the local council and get a space sorted for when you move.

I'm sorry you are going through this and there will lots of people along soon with far better advice.

Take care of yourself and get some RL support. You won't be a burden to your family, they will absolutely want to help you through this difficult time.

phantomhairpuller Fri 01-May-15 11:24:35

I don't think he'll believe that I'll actually do it. We've been together for 10 years and for at least half of that time I've been a bit of a doormat. During petty rows in the past he's said to me "if you don't like it, you know where the door is". But I'm still here. Trouble is, this time I've thought it all over properly. If we glaze over it this time it will just happen again in a few months time.

phantomhairpuller Fri 01-May-15 11:26:27

How do I get the thread moved? Sorry, not been on MN for a very long time!

hellsbellsmelons Fri 01-May-15 11:33:21

I've asked for it to be moved but better if you do it.
Go to your original OP. Click on the 'report' part and put in the comments section you would like it moved to relationships.

As the saying goes, If you don't get on the carousel, you won't go round in circles.

Time for you to take control.

DawnMumsnet (MNHQ) Fri 01-May-15 13:00:48

Hi all,

We're moving this thread over to our Relationships topic now.

Cabrinha Fri 01-May-15 13:16:27

I'm sorry you're separating.
But I disagree with those who say 30 miles is nothing, and he could have them EOW.
How would any of you feel if you're kids were moved 30 miles away?
If it's nothing, then why would you need to move closer for family support?

Is he a good father? Are you sure he can't have them in the week, or change his work pattern to allow that?

The ideal situation is not your family taking over his share of parenting, not if he is a good dad.

I'm sorry, I know it's hard. But marginalising one parent is an issue I feel strongly about, enough that I personally have a killer commute every other week (abroad!) to stop it happening with my daughter's father.

pocketsaviour Fri 01-May-15 13:29:00

30 miles is less than an hour's drive. I used to commute 45 miles each way for work for years.

My ex moved my (step)son over 200 miles when we split. It was a pain, but I made it work. And we didn't even have Skype then!

Make some free half hour appts with local solicitors to get a range of advice. Take as much info as you can, e.g. his salary, your salary, mortgage details (if you own the house), any joint assets.

Speak to CAB to work out how much help you can get with housing benefit etc.

Quitelikely Fri 01-May-15 13:41:49


Don't spend your life living in misery. By the sounds of things this chapter of your life needs closing.

30 miles really isn't too bad in the grand scheme of things. For instance you could do 15 miles each way or something along those lines.

Have you got a place to stay? Can you afford a place?

BuzzardBird Fri 01-May-15 13:44:02

What you need to do first is get your free 30mins consultation with a solicitor.

Good luck, I am sorry you are going through this.

phantomhairpuller Fri 01-May-15 19:43:30

Thanks all. Well, I've told my parents and my MIL (only because she was staying tonight anyway and knew something was up) all were really supportive. MIL agrees with me that H won't see it coming- or at least won't think I'm serious. And it turns out this is exactly what she went thru with H's real dad 30 odd years ago- who knew?! Next step is to get some legal advice and then tackle H I guess.

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