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Saving a marriage

(14 Posts)
Nonotagain Mon 29-Dec-14 09:54:36

Is it possible to come back from the brink?

Is it at all possible to overcome lies, trust and deep satisfaction issues. Ladies please share how you have overcome such problems to improve your relationship with your other half. Please share

Is anyone else at last chance saloon before they jump ship after giving up all hope. Please share

TonightTonight Mon 29-Dec-14 09:59:36

Separation and divorce. Seeing XH for few seconds a week on the doorstep for handovers is much less stressful than being married to a cheating liar ever was!

TonightTonight Mon 29-Dec-14 10:00:14

Really. The relationship is much improved from my pov.

Nonotagain Mon 29-Dec-14 10:01:26

Tonight don't understand your second response.

Murdermysteryreader Mon 29-Dec-14 10:02:17

There is a useful book called I love you but I am not in love with you from Amazon that gives tips. But really both of you need to be committed and you reed to be sure you trust each other otherwise it is best to call it quits. Relate?

onanotherday Mon 29-Dec-14 10:02:40

Tried to do it, took another 2 years of my life and that of DC. For me I gradually lost faith and kicked myself that I'd put kids through that, for the dream.

I think it can work but BOTH really must want it too. Good luck in your choice.flowers

wakeywakeyteaandcakey Mon 29-Dec-14 10:04:09

I overcame my problems by blocking, deleting, moving out and calling the police on him. Cheating, lying and head fucking isn't something someone can change overnight. Don't waste anymore of your precocious time clinging onto something that isn't working out.

TonightTonight Mon 29-Dec-14 10:07:25

Sorry you asked whether people had found a way to improve their relationship. Only having to see XH for ten seconds and our only conversation being along the lines of "I've had his feet measured" or "he didn't eat his breakfast" is a massive improvement on our pre-split relationship. Lies and gaslighting are incredibly damaging.

TonightTonight Mon 29-Dec-14 10:10:14

As wakeywakey says, if he's a liar and untrustworthy, that's his character. If an adult has poor character it takes a hell of a lot more than 'getting him to realise the error of his ways' to change him.

CogitOIOIO Mon 29-Dec-14 10:36:59

If you're with a liar, you will never trust. If you're with someone half-hearted, you will always feel dissatisfied. 'Overcoming' those feelings too often means parking them to one side and pretending they don't exist. Not an improvement. Even if the liar starts telling the truth or the half-hearted partner suddenly becomes enthusiastic.... it can be a case of too little too late.

Work out what kind of life you want and what kind of person (if any) you want to spend it with. If he's not that kind of person, he probably never will be.

Dowser Mon 29-Dec-14 14:04:05

Only if you are both 101 per cent committed.

There's a reason why the marriage failed in the first place .

You need tomake stringent changes to why that happened before you can even start to rebuild your relationship.

worserevived Mon 29-Dec-14 14:45:53

'Is it possible to come back from the brink?'

In a word yes. Many marriages do, but you are more likely to hear about the ones that didn't.

If your marriage has broken down there is no way back unless it is what you both want, are both committed to, and neither of you are clinging on for the wrong reasons. By those I mean fear of being alone, fear of financial difficulties, to be seen to be doing the right thing or 'for the kids'.

3mum Mon 29-Dec-14 21:09:57

What Cog said.

Based on bitter, drawn out, painful experience. Once trust has gone it can never come back and if you stay in the relationship you are signing up for a lifetime of pretending to yourself that something which should be the absolute fundamental of a relationship does not matter to you (it does and so it should). It took me 18 months of torturing myself before I saw that fact.

hydeparkhottie Mon 29-Dec-14 23:44:12

I'm at last chance saloon.

We've overcome quite a lot together...and yet if we look back at it, it wasn't 'overcoming' it has been me getting over something he chooses to become quiet over and just say 'sorry' as a retort.

We love each other (if that's what these feelings are called)

But I've just got too old to ignore myself any longer.

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