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I need your advice ....

(11 Posts)
Northumberlandlass Fri 26-Dec-14 13:06:13

Hello Vipers, i need your advice. This is what I need to tell my DH (sorry it's long) I have to find the strength to do this, I should have done it years ago.
I feel so sad, but I have put this off because I'm afraid of his reaction (he can be volatile). I think he can tell something is wrong & he'll ask me soon. I owe him more than a letter but this is what I want to say. I need to do this but I don't know how.

Dear **
I’m feeling teary before I even start writing this to you & I am writing a letter because I don’t you to lose your temper, get angry and say hurtful things. I realise that once I’ve said this everything will change.

I love you, you are the person I spend most time with, you are * Dad & we’ve been together 18 years. I am not in love with you anymore – this breaks my heart as I always thought we would be together forever and I wanted to stay together as a family for But this year has made me assess everything. I’m not happy, this isn’t anyone’s fault – and I don’t think you are very happy either & you deserve to be happy.

You are a great Dad to * and you always will be. We are friends and we can remain so, always. I don’t want anger or any storming out, I am sad not angry. But I want to separate.

I never thought I would be the one to do this and it scares the life out of me. It’s not something I have just decided, you know we don’t have the perfect marriage & I think we should do what is best for all of us.

I want to talk to you about this. I will cry and I don’t want you to be angry at that, I want an honest discussion with casting blame or being mean. If you want to talk this through with Relate or counsellor then we can. But I would like to think we can sort it ourselves.

I feel so sad & the thought of telling * breaks my heart, maybe I’m being selfish, but I don’t see another way.

Northumberlandlass Fri 26-Dec-14 13:07:48

Sorry, i don't know what happened to the text!!

Nirvisna Fri 26-Dec-14 13:11:51

It sounds at first like you want to end your marriage, but then like you'd perhaps give it another go? It could be misunderstood I feel?

lemisscared Fri 26-Dec-14 13:12:40

honestly, id leave it a day or so. why today? what brought it to a head? im not saying you should change your mind but maybe wait til things are clearer

Northumberlandlass Fri 26-Dec-14 13:15:06

Ok - thanks Nirvs.
I don't want to give it another go, we've tried over the years & nothing changes. I need to be the one to say this.
I am so scared. Not of him, but splitting my family. He is my friend & i used to think I could just carry on like this but I can't

GoldfishCrackers Fri 26-Dec-14 13:16:00

You say over and over that you don't want him to get angry. Are you scared of him?

Northumberlandlass Fri 26-Dec-14 13:16:48

Thanks Lemis, it doesn't have to be today. I didn't sleep last night, churning this over in my head.

Northumberlandlass Fri 26-Dec-14 13:18:09

Hi Goldfish, there have been times over the years when I have been scared of him, it wasn't anything physical but he has an awful temper. I worried what his reaction will be

inneedofsomeclarity Fri 26-Dec-14 14:39:26

You poor love that's just how I felt for a long time and couldn't imagine ending it but did in august. Initially it felt awful, but very quickly became a relief and was clearly the best thing to do. One of the biggest things for me was that I wanted us to still be able to do stuff as a family as that's what I really still enjoyed but actually I don't miss that or him at all. Keep strong and imagine your life a year down the line if you leave and also if you don't and that woild be enouh to scare me (if that makes sense).

something2say Fri 26-Dec-14 14:58:30

Well I wonder if you might read it to him? Sit him down, child elsewhere, and read it to him?

Than stand there while he flaps like a goldfish. Let him say no as many times as he needs to. If it is coming out of the blue, he needs time to get his head round the shock. I'd prepare a broken record statement that you then simply repeat over and over, a little different each time.

I'm sorry, but I don't want to carry on. I'm so sorry, I just don't want to. Yes I'm afraid my decision is final. Let's discuss it again in a few days.

And then go out for a long long walk and cup of tea xxxx

Well done. It will get better from now on. The mind churning is over x

Northumberlandlass Fri 26-Dec-14 15:24:22

Thanks to you bothsmile
He's not a bad person. He's really trying hard at the moment as I think he can tell something is wrong.

I need to do this. We are both out this weekend (separately of course) so I think I need to plan a day next week. See if my folks can have him.

Good idea about the walk. We do talk when we walk. I know i'm going to hurt him & he'll react in anger. I keep imagining myself in a year. I would like a magic wand to wave & to put us in that place & bypass the hurt.

Our DS is 11 & a sensitive soul. I don't even know where to start with him x

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