Eerie silence - what happens next when you go NC with your mum?

[GingerbreadPudding]

I stopped all contact with my mum several months ago. I told her via email that I never wanted to see her again. She's in the process of divorcing my dad and her behaviour towards him now (she cheated on him for two years) is cruel and I can't bear it any longer. There's a long back story of her mental health issues, selfishness, nastiness towards me and my sister from a very young age etc.

My sister is still in contact with her and she makes comments to my sister like 'oh, it breaks my heart not to be in touch with ginger' 'when ginger has her baby (I'm 35 weeks pregnant) will anyone even tell me?' I have no intention of telling her the baby has arrived or ever contacting her again despite her living in the same town as me.

I am really pleased with my decision, it's taken a huge weight off my shoulders but I'm finding her not making any effort to make amends or contact me just eerie. Let me really clear, I don't want her to, it's more that I find it a little unsettling and I keep expecting one of her massive emotional scenes. For example, When I'm on my own in the house, I am scared to answer the door in case it's her - all full of shouting and tears etc.

She didn't send a Christmas card or present which I was half dreading (she's before sent extravagant gifts/ cheques to guilt me in to something or other). She didn't even send my sister a gift or card which is weird as they are still in touch...

I'm sad that I will never have the kind of mum that most people seem to have, sad that I don't have any maternal support during my pregnancy or early baby days but I accept that my mother can't do any of this and that it is best for us all to cut contact as contact is so draining, stressful, nasty and vicious.

I just wondered, from your experiences, is it really possible that she's really gone from my life or is it reasonable of me to expect some kind of showdown (like her turning up when baby is born)?

[JellyBabiesSaveLives]

It takes a while to get used to the eerie delightful silence.

Could you ask your sister not to talk to you about your mum, and in particular not to pass on any comments your mum makes about you? Because at the moment your mum is still able to get at you through your sister.

[HamPortCourt]

Hi OP

I am also NC with my toxic and abusive mother. I do understand what you are saying. There are so many different things going on here.

1. There is the relief you feel when the abuse stops.
   
2. There is the guilt you feel that you didn't keep offering yourself up to her to abuse until one of you dies.
   
3. There is the grief (this can be overwhelming at times) of the loss of the mother you never had. I feel this intensely sometimes and feel rather sorry for myself that I never really had a "childhood" and have never known a mothers love.
   
4. There is the anger that you have allowed yourself to be abused (and witnessed other abuse/manipulations) for so long. You re live these moments and think "Why didn't I stop her?"
   
5. There is the shocking realisation that no, she probably won't come knocking on your door because you have no use to her now. You have seen through her and are refusing to be manipulated and controlled so you no longer serve a purpose.
   

I agree with PP to ask DSIS not to offload DM stuff onto you, and that once you have your own baby you will see things more clearly.

Whatever you do dn't get sucked back in - she is too toxic for you and therefore too toxic to allow near your precious baby.

Good luck

[Honeybear30]

My mother decided to go NC with me when I was about 4 months pregnant back in April. I was surprised but it's a decision I have now accepted, and to be frankly honest I now embrace. DS was born in september and I to was afraid of a showdown when he was born and it didn't happen thankfully. I didn't hear a thing. I have now received a message from her asking me to get in touch, perhaps Christmas has made her realise. So OP for me, I had my baby in the blissfully silence of NC. But tbh, everyone is different, I don't think there's any way of us knowing if yours will get in touch.

[AnguaVonUberwald]

I went NC with my mother over 3 years ago and while it was very much the right decision and I don't intend to ever have contact again, it took me a long time to realise that I was also really sad that she was so unaffected by it that she hasn't once tried to build bridges, or in anyway tried to maintain a relationship with me.

It's pary of the contradictory feels that come from having such a toxic mother I think, and if she had been the kind of person who could say "this is really sad, how can we change things, I wouldn't have had to go NC in the first place.

I suppose it really confirmed for me the total lack of interest she has in me, if I am not working of her script. Which validates the NC decision but is still really, really sad.