Talk

Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Leaving OH cause he's mean with money

(13 Posts)
yellowxo Tue 23-Dec-14 12:56:13

I posted on the AIBU board but was told to post on here instead, Been together for 4 years, He was generous and nice to begin with now he's the opposite we moved in with his mum because he didn't have enough money for a mortgage to buy somewhere we rented a flat at the time so we moved in he said it would take 6 months max, it was hell to be honest i got PND and felt like I couldn't bond with baby cause his mum was always around. It took us a year to move out then he drops the bombshell he doesn't want my name on the house cause I haven't worked for it (Im a sahm with dd) family told me to go along with it so I did but I have a lot of resentment towards him, He never gives me money i have to ask him for some he has around 13k in his bank account and I have 30 quid (seriously) I only have CB I was working at mcdonalds evening shifts until 2am but I couldn't get up with DD in the morning properly OH wouldn't help me pay for DD's childcare for a couple of hours in the morning I was knackered so I unfortunately had to leave. I've got a place to study nursing next year, OH yet again doesn't want to help pay for childcare and expects it to come out of my student loans, he wants me to claim as a single parent so he doesn't have to pay anything towards it and he can save towards paying off the mortgage, he says he's doing it for "us" but i see no evidence my name isn't on it and I could get into a lot of trouble.

I get nervous & stressed about asking him for money, seriously I even lie about what I've spent money on, I'm not talking a designer handbag or a pair of shoes, I'm talking a bottle of coke he has a go at me all the time about money , my clothes are all ancient it just seems so unfair he has 13k in his account and I've got nothing. He believes I don't work and I haven't earn it it's making me upset but I have no idea how to leave where to go. etc, I want to work it out but can someone like him ever change?

glammanana Tue 23-Dec-14 13:07:22

Oh sweetheart how sad I was to read your post you sound so miserable at what should be a happy time of year for you and your little family,unfortunatly I feel that he will not change and that you should be looking of ways to resolving this asap for your own and babies sake.
How does he expect you to care for yourself and child with no money of your own and to look to be claiming as a single parent is totally wrong in my opinion you will be found out for sure and it will be you who carries the can for it not him as he will distance himself for sure.
Can you not move back to your parents or speak to your Health Visitor about your problem,it would be hard to manage I know but it can't be any worse than what you are putting up with now.Keep strong and be positive x

HelenaDove Tue 23-Dec-14 13:13:52

He is financially abusive to the point that he wants you to commit benefit fraud to aid him being financially abusive. Please contact Womens Aid.

oswellkettleblack Tue 23-Dec-14 13:14:06

Leave now. Then you really are a single parent and he will have to pay to support his child. Don't bother making a private arrangement for it, he will need to be compelled by law so use CSA.

You will be much, much better off without this financially abuse person in your life.

NickerPicker Tue 23-Dec-14 13:14:21

An ex was like that, very generous almost to a fault to begin with everyone he knew. Then he became tighter than a duks arse towards the financial needs of his child.

He is no good for you, LTB.

Twinklestein Tue 23-Dec-14 13:19:16

OP, your partner is financially abusive. This goes way beyond 'mean'.

Not paying towards childcare for his own child is a classic example. Asking you to fraudulently claim you're a single parent is not for 'us' but for him.

He won't change, so you need of figure out how you're going to leave him.

Give Women's Aid a call, they can talk, you through the bascs of financial abuse and figure out what your next step might be. 0808 2000 247

hellsbellsmelons Tue 23-Dec-14 13:53:31

You'd be better off financially on your own.
Please make arrangements to leave.
He's being abusive.
Womens Aid can help you with this.
And contact citizens advice to understand what benefits you would be entitled to.
He'd also have to pay maintenance for his DD!
I'm glad you posted. It means you are starting to realise this is NOT OK!

RedRoom Tue 23-Dec-14 18:02:38

What he is doing to you is terrible. You can't even buy a bottle of Coke for yourself? He is going to sabotage your place on this nursing course at this rate- you won' be able to afford the childcare so that you can attend. How is helping you to improve your life?! His behaviour to you as the mother of his child is utterly disgusting.

Missqwerty Tue 23-Dec-14 23:28:46

Wow I read that and was in utter shock at the level of financial abuse taking place. He should be providing for you as a family and you should be on the mortgage. Your working to raise his child! Dump the bastard and you can then work again and get help with tax credits etc till you get to uni. He is refusing to support you and your child, you would be better off without him!

IsItTeaYoureLookingFor Wed 24-Dec-14 00:13:27

Its truly shocking that you had to give up your job because he didnt want to pay for DDs childcare! And then he asks you to commit fraud too!

Sorry OP but he isn't being mean, he is being abusive.

Does he pay for DDs clothes etc? What about things for the house?

CatWreathkeith Wed 24-Dec-14 15:13:57

Do not claim as a single parent until you actually LTB op.

A very good friend if mine spent last Christmas in prison for benefit fraud after finding herself in almost the exact same position you have described, and when she was released her ex had moved 400 miles away and there was nothing she could do about it. He now has custody of their two children as she is still in a hostel waiting to be housed, and she can't get a job because of her criminal record.

Please please leave this man, you would be much better off without him.

adiposegirl Wed 24-Dec-14 17:34:11

Oh dear. Do not claim anything until you are in face single. I know of a woman who was made to do just what you describe, she is in court next month for a £90K benefits fraud.

fluffapuss Mon 29-Dec-14 00:16:34

You are not happy with £30, nor should you be !

However, what happens when your child is older & needs things, how will you manage on £30 ???

THINK HOW THIS WILL AFFECT YOUR CHILD in the near/long term future !

Get a part/full time job, earn your own money
If you are in uk you should qualify for tax credits

Study, if necessary online - earlys or lates (takes time & effort)

Make a better life for yourself & your child

This man is not treating you as an equal, you deserve better

Make plans to leave this man !

Good luck x

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now