Advice Needed

[Threetofour]

I am a SAHM to 4 kids ages 1,2,4 & 7 I work 3 times a week (short sessions) but need to do some planning too I teach sessions 1 evening 1 daytime (mum looks after kids) & 1 weekend morning (out of house 2 hrs)
My DH Is a partner in a company works long hours, often back after bedtime or staying away. Disclaimer he does work hard at his job, I could never make the money he does & I appreciate that.
I do all school runs, extra curricular activities, school admin, present buying, bill paying, washing & cooking for the kids. I also do the general day to day tidying picking up after everyone etc & have 2 kids at home full time I do have a cleaner once a week which helps
All of this I am very happy about, I love my kids & my family life, the problem is my DH Who has become more & more resentful of me being a SAHM
He constantly makes comments about the house not being tidy enough what do I do all day etc etc how I should have to answer to someone about the standards of the house

I can't take it any more we have just had a huge row, apparently I am ungrateful & spoiled the house I would say is a 6 on 1-10 scale of pigsty to pristine i have accepted that until kids are at school my standards have to slip otherwise I am a miserable stressed out wreck
He cannot understand how I feel in fact he won't understand I don't know what to do as I feel like I hate him at the moment his answer to this problem is for me to come up to the standards so that he doesn't get angry
Seriously wtf how does this happen? How do I sort this out any advice would be gratefully received
Plus ask if I've left anything important out!!

[FelicityGubbins]

Call his bluff and tell him that you are going to work full time and that he can stay home, you expect him to organise childcare, housework, shopping and cooking etc and that you expect these to be done to an exemplary standard otherwise you will be pissed off and extremely vocal about his "substandard" work!

[BrowersBlues]

I am completely raging on your behalf! The amount of work it takes to raise 4 children, run a house, work and all the rest. He wouldn't be able to do it for one morning.

If at all possible make yourself scarce for a few days once you get Christmas over with. Make it a weekend and give him bugger all notice. Just leave and say you are exhausted and going away by yourself for 2 days. He might be a bit more appreciative when you get home. If this is not an option just stop doing anything for him i.e. cooking, washing etc.

If this type of controlling behaviour is normal for him you need to have a different talk with him about the state of your marriage. Be assertive and take no s* from him.

I am furious on your behalf.

[Threetofour]

He has looked after the kids without me for a weekend before but no washing etc to do pretty sure no baths etc so he now thinks he's the expert on it all
I am so angry I can't even articulate how I feel apparently I have everything & I'm totally ungrateful
I think he hates his job & feels trapped in it because of the mortgage & the children but I have told him I don't care we could sell the house we could live on less we could work something out but I think I get all of it the anger about everything put onto me

We have been together for 16 years & married for 12 he has always been pig headed but not like this, we are usually good friends, partners etc he cannot, will not understand how what he does makes me feel, it's not the level of stuff I have to do that stresses me out it's the constant put downs from him & the feeling of never being good enough

[CogitOIOIO]

'How does this happen?' Mostly by being financially dependent on a selfish and shallow person. They don't seem too bad when you're both child free and working for a living because it's fairly even. But they value themselves and others by things like appearances, earnings and possessions. Someone not earning money and not keeping up appearances in their prize possession ( the show home) becomes an object of contempt. A substandard employee rather than an equal partner.

[BrowersBlues]

When you leave for the weekend next time don't leave the house in tip top shape for him. He might not (me being generous here) realise how much work goes into raising 4 children and running a home.

I have two children and have always worked outside the home. I honestly saw going to work as a break. Rearing four children would have toppled me. Staying at home can be relentless, thankless and lonely. At least at work you can focus on something else, chat to other adults, drink coffee and socialise.

His work situation is stressful but he needs to sort that out. That is not your problem and you have your own stress with your work in your home. Tell him categorically that you won't stand for him taking out his problems at work on you. I don't know if you are assertive with him but if you are not, take a different stance and tell him to do one. If you don't stand up for yourself now you will still be in this situation in 10 years' time.

[BrowersBlues]

So many of my friends have ended up in the precise scenario that Cogit paints in her post.

Their reward for staying at home was being left by their husbands for some new shiney woman and being put into finanical straits for allowing their husbands to get on with his career whilst they reared his children and kept the house in decent order.

[Finola1step]

Your husband, big cheese at work, sees himself as the big cheese at home.

He is treating you like a member of staff. One who needs an annual
Appraisal or Performance Management Review to keep you on your toes. So that you are very clear what his expectations are. Sorry.

[deserttrek]

Ours is a similar situation, but without the problem. I am up at 5am every weekday, commute 100 miles each way, back home at 8pm, bed by 10pm, sometimes stay away, and have to work some weekends too. All for the dream house and other stuff that we really want, in the muddy countryside. And lots of young kids. And OH is working on duty this weekend, overnight, and during the week works so hard with the DC. As I write this there is mud on the carpet and leaves in the corner that blew in from the garden a few weeks ago, as I cook something for her to eat when she gets home. And kids wellies, crossed over, unmatched in little piles on the floor. And lego, and tissues, and teabags in cups in the kitchen. And on Monday I will commute and there will be dog and cats hairs somewhere on my suit. And every three months or so, we turn the music up on a Saturday morning and give this house a blast and good long clean. But its only a house. Bricks, cement and bits of wood. Its where people live, and living; well it creates mess. Always, and its not rocket science. And we go to friends' homes and, well they are so pristine, and we know they have probably polished that sideboard 5 times this week, lifted that vase five times, and fretted over a hypothetical visit by someone important, but only in their imagination. Neither the Queen nor Angelina Jolie will visit them. And both of those ladies will have dust on the top of each of their bedroom doors (I know this to be true, as do you). So, No, you have to answer to nobody. The big thing is this. You have four children under 10, I am not sure if they are all yours, but you are 'mum' to them, you also go to work, you do all the chores at HQ. OH does his hunter/gathering thing, but its only a job. And its only a house. And in the middle of all these things are six people. They are important....the rest of things, well they are only stage props..........bricks and mortar, cars, holidays in the sun, business meetings, money. These things are all part of the life game. The reality is our relationships and how we love each other, respect each other and nurture each other unconditionally so we all grow together and help each other to better lives. All of the other posters are awesome. I love their comments. Hey, you are in control......talk to him, do those things the other posters are saying. He may soften over time..........keep posting lovely woman....And Merry Christmas to you and the other lovely posters

[deserttrek]

And you know you can deal with all of this.

You are the CEO of your home.
en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Chief_executive_officer
Don't read it though, its not really important.

You do HR: stopping the kids from fighting, helping them with homework, working out which one is really sick, which one is bluffing and which one really needs Calpol.
You do Finance: bill paying, budget control over presents, and also working out (and I know you will have done this) whether it makes sense to do those hours, that you do, this hour here, those two hours there.....I know what you do.

And here's the thing........haha....this is it...
His job is no more difficult, sophisticated or important that yours.
It just has a few more noughts on the end at the end of the month....
But only in money terms.
And from my last post, money is important, but its only a game, not everything, and not the most important thing.

A relationship is a partnership.
And on morality and just general goodness....
Well....you are Senior Partner in the boardroom...

Good luck lovely woman........
Keep posting...