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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Help me be strong. Controlling relationship

20 replies

Applecrumbling · 19/12/2014 11:36

So a week ago I ended the abusive and controlling relationship I have been in on/ off for nearly 4 years. I refused to listen to him and be controlled by him and went to a party. I'm nearly 40 FFS. I come back home to find without my consent he had taken my house keys and thrown over my Xmas decorations, read my emails Etc ( from previous online dating) and caused some damage. Haven't heard a word since. I've changed the locks. However as he works away all week tonight he could turn up. I'm being v strong but I think only those who have been in controlling and a dive relationships with know how hard it is not to engage and give in! I need strength

OP posts:

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CogitOIOIO · 19/12/2014 11:40

I'm impressed at your courage and strength. I don't think you're going to engage or give in this time. To make that more likely, it's best to get as much support as you can. Have you involved the police if he caused some damage and stole your keys? If there is any chance of him returning, you may feel more reassured knowing that the police will come to remove him promptly. 101 is the non emergency number

AttilaTheMeerkat · 19/12/2014 11:43

Did you contact the police initially after he caused some damage and took your house keys without consent?.

If he does turn up tonight call the police without hesitation on your part. He needs to be gone and stay gone from your life.

I would also look at enrolling on Womens Aid Freedom Programme for your own self as this is for women who have been in abusive relationships. Such men can take a long time, years even, to fully recover from. Doing that and reading "Why does he do that?" written by Lundy Bancroft will also help you going forward.

Applecrumbling · 19/12/2014 11:49

As he was waiting outside on my return from the evening out I got back into the taxi and went to a friends. When I came in the next morning my friend witnessed the damage. I felt violated, now angry but tearful. I let his parents know and asked for keys back. He denies everything. So I changed locks. I didn't report to police as I guess in some strange way I care but also because I'm frightened if he will cause damage via other means. It's that hold. He has just moved and I don't know his address. Would I need this for the police? Would they contact him?

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CogitOIOIO · 19/12/2014 12:55

Talk to the police, tell them what happened, mention that your friend witnessed the damage and tell them that you are frightened that he may return. Whether they investigate or not is something to discuss with them. But do get it on record that his behaviour has been coercive and controlling. Then they are in a better place to help you if he does turn up

CrispsAreFruit · 19/12/2014 13:05

Stay strong. Its worth the pain / confusion you feel now to be free of him in the future. Stay free. Stay free.

hellsbellsmelons · 19/12/2014 13:38

Ask for the DV unit when you call the police.
Just get it on record in case he does come back.
Let them know you may need them and they may put on a priority list which means when you dial 999 they will be there very fast.
Can you have someone with you tonight?
Can a friend or family member stay overnight?
You've done so well, don't cave tonight.
You can do this.

Applecrumbling · 19/12/2014 17:14

Thank you. My ds is going to his dads for the weekend. I'm v low and wanting to just hide under the covers. I'm going to lock doors and not answer. I feel not only trapped in myself but also in my own home

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CogitOIOIO · 19/12/2014 21:27

Did you contact the police? It's not right that you should be turned into a prisoner in your own home out of fear of another person. If the police know you are at risk, they can respond more quickly if you need them to intervene. Please don't think you have to face this alone

Applecrumbling · 19/12/2014 21:37

Well I've drawn all curtains and put lights down low. I've got a lot of housework done tonight! It's awful I feel the way I do. I have been outside a few times ( to the bin) and been scared he will appear. Why did he do this to me? Perhaps he knows he has gone too far and will stay away. I haven't contacted the police no. The relationship is over but I still feel with him. I miss him, but cannot go back and really need help to move forward

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FightingFires · 19/12/2014 21:39

Call the police. Tell Them everything.

SolidGoldBrass · 19/12/2014 21:41

Make yourself a list of every crap thing he has done. It won't just be the other week's nasty little tantrum: list all the ruined nights out, the pointless rows, the friends/family members he upset, the rubbish sex that you didn't really want to have but engaged in because you couldn't face the sulking and the insults...

CogitOIOIO · 19/12/2014 21:45

Abusive people don't do anything 'to' another person exactly. They're all about themselves and everything they do is geared towards exerting control and getting their own way. As long as the victim is dancing to their tune, they really don't spend much time wondering what state of mind they're in or whether they are suffering. The ends justify the means.

If he's thinking about you at all.... which I doubt.... it'll be how long to let the dust settle before doing whatever it is he normally does to get back in control. What usually happens?

Applecrumbling · 19/12/2014 22:08

Thank you. I'll write the list. A lot of ea. once pinned me to the bed and hurt me.
Cogit- you really have hit nail on head. However, I dint think he'll come back now. Not to get me back. The only thing I fear is revenge in some way.. But he is 20 min drive away.. I thought he loved me

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lavenderhoney · 19/12/2014 22:34

It's worth calling 101 and having a chat with them. I did extremly recently after having a scare. They popped round, and checked my security, gave advice and were extremly sensible and realistic. They did not make me feel foolish. For your own sake and for the moving on process it would be good for you, Imo, to call them.

Make sure he's blocked on all your social networking and also go through your social networking security to make sure randoms can't see stuff.

Use the weekend to prep for Christmas, stay on here lots:) and keep going.

Applecrumbling · 20/12/2014 13:50

I'm so upset. Been Christmas shopping and feel alone and teary. Not string enough to call police, will leave it. I just want to get over it but feel like I never will. I feel like I've wrecked my life.

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BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted · 20/12/2014 13:58

You haven't wrecked your life and neither has he either.

You've just done the strongest and bravest thing: taken concrete steps to get this low-life, joy-sucking, inadequate prick out of your life for good.

Reasons to be cheerful: Part One

Applecrumbling · 20/12/2014 16:40

Thank you for your strong words. I feel like I need picking up off the ground, v low. Surely he will be hurting too?

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CogitOIOIO · 20/12/2014 17:01

Hurting? What you have to understand is that, to a controlling, abusive man, the woman in his life is a possession, not a person, to be kept hold of regardless. He's clearly furious at being dumped - the aggressive reaction shows that. But any emotional upset he feels will be similar to having a possession stolen..... not a broken heart.

Abusive men tend not to let sleeping dogs lie or respect requests to stay away. If you've broken up and got back together before, he may assume he just has to bide his time. Again, I'd urge you to contact the police.

SolidGoldBrass · 20/12/2014 19:06

You've saved your life, Apple! Controlling men quite often kill their partners. If they don't actually, physically murder them, they cheerfully destroy everything that makes those women happy, effective, functional people.

lavenderhoney · 20/12/2014 20:15

Don't bother to try and understand him and find reasons why. He doesn't think like you, or have your morals and wish for a normal balanced relationship. He doesn't know what that is and thankfully, you're well out of it. It's so exhausting, surely? If you want closure, tell the police what's happened, and delete all his numbers, block him etc.

And find a new hobby and new friends so you don't bump into him or even have to talk about him. Just say " oh it's all over. What shall we do next weekend? " to your friends and move yourself along.

If you feel scared going out then you should tell the police - what's happened to you should not be minimised. And make sure if you're not going out NYE you have friends round who aren't dramatic, and will calmly call the police and not let him in. Or go to bed early, and silence all devices. Or come on mn:)

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