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Any stately homers around? Can you give me some advice about therapy?

(12 Posts)
SpidersDontWashTheirHands Mon 15-Dec-14 18:30:42

I have made the break from my mother. It's over, it's done, it's all been made clear. DH supports me completely but thinks that a bit of counselling to help with the grief, guilt etc would be helpful. I've no idea how to go about it. I've had hypnotherapy before and found it effective but I'm not sure how appropriate it would be. Should I go to my GP? Yellow Pages? If anyone can give me a few pointers I'd be really grateful.

WellWhoKnew Mon 15-Dec-14 18:59:19

I don't post on the thread, but I've read it here and there.

I'm in counselling following the sudden breakdown of my marriage, and the thing I've found most beneficial about it is dealing with the (m)other component, whose behaviour in my divorce, has only been bested by the STBXH, so I'd recommend it.

It's given me a place to vent safely, and given me a feeling of "permission" to get angry and also feel comfortable about distancing her from my life at this difficult time.

To give you a sense of perspective, my DM invited herself to my house, despite saying no, sat on my sofa one day to tell me how my divorce was 'ruining her life' and that I should be more supportive and sympathetic to her. And in the next breath telling me I just needed to get over him.

Yes - she's a legend in her own lifetime!

I initially went through 'yellow pages' and read any that advertised with a website. This got me to a counsellor that I just didn't click with so I stopped until things became too bad for me to cope anymore (following a visit to the (m)other component's house, co-incidentally).

Also, look at how many years they've been practising. Gender (yes, I know we shouldn't but...)

The next time I went through an agency, again supplied by the yellow pages, and had a chat with a placement officer, who found me a woman, same name and age as my mother (bizarrely). She's a bit 'out there' for my liking, I've found her hyponotherapy did help with the anxiety and panic attacks immensely (not having had them before). The numerology less so! Lots of practical ideas, some visualising techniques, etc really work for me, some don't. But it's good to get ideas. Mostly I just want her listen - and she does.

My mother most strongly disapproves of her. Go figure.

Going through your GP may be cheaper, but I gather there's long waiting lists.


BruceSpringClean Mon 15-Dec-14 19:18:08

Hi Spiders. Well done on making the break from your mother.

You could try through your GP, but waiting lists for psychotherapy are pretty horrendous at the moment. You might get in quicker if you go private (although this can be expensive).

I'd say try and find a counsellor experienced in working with people damaged by toxic families / narcissists. A lot of therapists will give you a free consultation to find out what their style is, whether the two of you 'click' or not. Therapy isn't always easy but it's important that you've got a good feeling about your therapist & that the two of you can work together. A consultation can help you choose wisely. I'd also suggest only choosing a psychotherapist who is UKCP / BACP registered. (or HCPC registered if you decide to go for an arts therapy)

You could also try googling counselling / therapy charities in your area - for example near me, there are a few charitable counselling services that are subsidised and charge on a sliding / pay what you can basis. These sometimes have shorter waiting times. Your GP might be able to signpost you to other services if the waiting list for NHS therapy in your area is very long.

Good luck with it all flowers

Ratbagcatbag Mon 15-Dec-14 19:22:32

At work we have a employee assistance programme, I was struggling earlier this year for a whole raft of reasons. I rang it up (all confidential) and they paid for six sessions for me.
I've since just gone back as a private client but she's awesome.

I did just click with her but did read her website and she has extensive experience in areas I need help with. smile

If you have an area in mind maybe post on here for recommendations.
I found the NHS offerings not great, as there was a long waiting list.

LittleDonkeyLeftie Mon 15-Dec-14 19:50:47

OP I think it would help if you gave some indication of your location as there is bound to a MNetter who can recommend a counsellor in your area.

Congratulations on breaking free, I know how hard it it. thanks

AttilaTheMeerkat Mon 15-Dec-14 19:56:35

NHS counselling generally has long waiting lists and their number of sessions are limited (think its about six).

I would contact someone like BACP to begin with.

You need to find someone who fits in with your approach so the first counsellor you see may not be the right fit for you. Also you need to find someone who has no familial bias about keeping families together despite the presence of mistreatment.

peacoat Mon 15-Dec-14 19:58:26

I saw a dynamic psychotherapist for nearly 2 years, privately. I didn't want anything on my medical records, and it was quicker and I got to choose the therapist.

When it ended, she reminded me that i was worth the financial investment (and so continue to invest in myself after the counselling ended).

So worth it. Quite a few friends have commented on how much I'd changed as a result - and one even sought counselling herself as a result.

Check out if they are registered on the BACP register ink{\]]k} and if you don't gel with the first one, try another one.

peacoat Mon 15-Dec-14 19:58:56

Oh dear, please excuse my link fail.

SpidersDontWashTheirHands Mon 15-Dec-14 21:18:35

Thank you all so, so much thanks

Well you could be my sister. Sounds like you should divorce the pair of them.

I'm near Edinburgh, if that helps. I had wonderful NHS hypnotherapist but moved and can't access his services any longer. His wife is also a hypnotherapist and works with a very good (trustworthy) friend of mine. I'm wondering whether she'd be good or whether to go for a fresh start.

I'm going to have a look at the BACP website.

Thanks again grin

Aussiebean Mon 15-Dec-14 21:32:51

It is a great idea to get counselling, but ensure that they understand you have no interest in discussing a reunion or how to be around her.

You want to be able to dissect your relationship and it's effect on you and how to live your new life with her out of your life.

If they start talking about reconciliation then move on.

CaulkheadUpNorth Mon 15-Dec-14 21:36:12

I have an integrative psychotherapist who I found on the counselling directory website. She is amazing.

HidingBehindANewNickname Mon 15-Dec-14 22:07:53

I googled/used the BCAP website. Then just scrolled through/looked through the links. If they did not appeal for any reason I discounted...could be the wording on their profile, their photo <shallow>, one woman I left a message for - when she left a message back I didn't like her voice or how bossy she sounded. Random stuff - or instinct - who knows - but you have to feel able to trust them.

Found one I like the look of, liked their credentials, when we first spoke to arrange the first appointment I fell comfortable talking with her.

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