My Husband's Mental Disorder...

[dshook]

Last Thursday, my husband of 1 year (we had dated for 4) told me that he wanted a divorce. A month ago, I found out that he was having an emotional affair via text with another woman in town. He admits to never liking her or wanting to sleep with her, but rather she showed him attention and approval and he liked that. Their started off with business talk and then moved to his flirty banter. Last Thursday he told me he was going to a meeting and I found out he went to a Christmas party instead. He had hoped she would be there. But again, doesn't want anything to do with her necessarily. He said, once he would get what he needs, he would move on looking for the next women to show him approval.

He had a horrible childhood. He was conceived before marriage and his maternal grandparents would tell him, even into early adulthood, that he should have been aborted. His parents would tell him this also, at a young age. His father was emotionally abusive, telling my husband as a child, that he was never good enough, etc.

I am his 2nd wife. He has 2 lovely daughters that I have fallen in love with. My husband is depressed, always anxious, cannot focus, cannot handle daily tasks of paying bills, answering phone calls or having a normal conversation without becoming incredibly stressed. He has been angry more often. He feels judged every time he walks into a room. He is addicted to pornography and doesn't feel it's wrong.

All of this, and I still love him. I love the core of who he is. I fear that he is making this decision in this unhealthy state of mind that he is currently in. I refuse to end our marriage when he is mentally ill. He has agreed to see a psychiatrist. How do I cope in the mean time? I am committed to walk this journey to healthy with him. Am I crazy?

[TheLittleOneSaidRollOver]

I refuse to end our marriage when he is mentally ill.

You don't get to choose whether the marriage ends or not. He has chosen. That is it.

Do you realise how creepy it sounds for you being committed to walk this journey to healthy with him and for you to get him to agree to see a psychiatrist.

He moves out. Sees the psychiatrist and whatever else he needs to get healthy, which might take years and might never happen. If you both want to, you get back together later.

Sorry.

[Stripeyclock]

I am sorry you are going through this.

What are your living arrangements at the moment? Are you still living together or has he moved out?

It's possible that he is making this decision in an unhealthy state of mind. The difficulty is that he is still entitled to make it. I think if he is firm about wanting a divorce that you have little choice but to go along with what he says.

Does he still say that he wants a divorce, or has he agreed with you to give it some time?

I think it is very admirable that you want to stand by your husband. If he gives up the idea of the divorce and is willing to accept your help and support then by all means go for it.

However some people cannot be helped, no matter what we want to help them. It might be that no matter how much you love him, you cannot live with him.

I really wish you all the best.

[TheLittleOneSaidRollOver]

He said, once he would get what he needs, he would move on looking for the next women to show him approval.

My husband is depressed, always anxious, cannot focus, cannot handle daily tasks of paying bills, answering phone calls or having a normal conversation without becoming incredibly stressed. He has been angry more often. He feels judged every time he walks into a room. He is addicted to pornography and doesn't feel it's wrong.

What form does this anger and stress take?

[dshook]

He is currently living at our home. I am staying with my parents.

Each day is different. One day he wants to end the marriage. The next day, he wants help. He said he feels lost and knows that he made/makes rash decisions when he feels stressed and lost. He said he is at constant turmoil with his very being.

Thank you for your kind words, Clock.

LittleOne, his angry and stress look like technology. Silly, I know. But he would rather watch tv or play a silly game on his cell phone when he feels overly stressed. He shows anger by pulling away from things. he doesn't yell, he doesn't throw anything, he doesn't hit.

[sanfairyanne]

i mean this kindly. have you ever thought of counselling just by yourself? there must be reasons why you chose to commit to someone so much in need of 'rescuing'.

[PaisleySheets]

dshook, my husband is mentally ill.

You can't have a working relationship without two healthy people.

I completely understand the complusion to want to stand by and look after someone you love, but be aware that while he is mentally is you are alone.

[dreamingofblueskies]

I am going through trying to save a marriage with a husband who has been diagnosed with a mental disorder. It is incredibly hard, and you need to get help for yourself in place as soon as possible. I took too long to get help and ended up nearly having a mental breakdown. This is with both him and me wanting to make things work, I wasn't have to battle with him wanting a divorce.

Please look after yourself before you look after him, I am on anti-anxiety tablets and awaiting counselling because I didn't, and now I find it incredibly hard to help my husband.

[kaykayblue]

Why do you feel the need to "rescue" this man?

He isn't a child. Whether or not he has mental problems, they aren't your responsibility to fix. Only he can do that, if he agrees that they are there, and if he wants to change them.

You can't change someone who doesn't want to change, or doesn't see the point in doing so.

[dshook]

Thank you for the advise. I have been seeing a therapist and continue to see one. It has been very helpful to know that all of my feelings and emotions are okay and also process things I hadn't thought of before.

The truth of the matter is, I made a commitment, and while that may not seem like a reason to put myself through these trying times. I have to fight for our marriage. I committed to him - better or worse - sickness and in health. Once he receives help and is still questioning our marriage, then I will make that decision.

He is very honest and forward when he says "I feel like I cannot control anything in my life. When things got hard, I was too stressed to handle it so I chose the one thing I could control and that was our marriage." Later he stated "I know I am mentally ill. I've needed help for years and I'm ready to make that step. I know I made a rash decision last week, because everything was snowballing and I didn't know what else to do."

For those statements alone, I feel that I want to see him healthy. And who knows, the healthy him might look like a man I no longer love. But I refuse to not see that part through - because of my vow to him.

I believe I serve a God who restores all things and makes good of all things. That doesn't mean this God will restore our marriage exactly, but it means that both my husband and I will be restored individually.

[kaykayblue]

Look OP, this is your marriage.

But for all your talk of God, where are HIS feelings on how important marriage is? A marriage takes two people, not one. TWO people have to honour the commitment they made.

There are plenty of people that never get "restored" by god. Plenty of people die from their addictions, from having shitty lives, and all sorts of things.

The only person that can help your husband is him.

It seems like you are set on this, so good luck to you. Sadly the only thing I can see coming your way is a future of intense unhappiness and grief.

[Twinklebells]

He has been unfaithful, 'addicted' to pornography and told you he wants a divorce - and you are justifying thing by saying he has a mental disorder but God will sort it out?

I think you need to sort your self esteem out and tell him to get lost quite frankly. You are in danger of being a doormat.