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Found an old friend on online dating, what to do?

(21 Posts)
SantaIKnowHim Sun 14-Dec-14 10:12:23

Ok have posted a few times under another name about my semi recent break with my lying cheating ex. Discovered he had cheated on me with 3 other women, had online dating profile and then spilt up with me because he "didn't want a relationship" but within a week had a new gf with photos all over social media of them.
This was around 2 months ago and at the time l felt like my heart had split into a million pieces. I'm still devastated about it, not about losing him per se more that l was so stupid not to realise what he was doing and that he didn't care about me. I have good days where l don't cry or think about him too much (mainly when l stay really busy) and bad days where I'm engulfed with sobs and everything l see/do reminds me of him.

Ok so to the point of this post! My friends encouraged me to set up an online dating profile, not really to meet someone yet but more just to show that there is other apparently decent men out there. It was on pof and l set my profile to hidden so other people couldn't find me & l wouldn't come up in searches, so basically the only people l could speak to were men l contacted first.

A few days ago l came across the profile of an old friend. I have known this man for a long time although we have lost touch in the last few years. There has always been chemistry with this man and he is a lovely lovely guy. When we were much younger, like early twenties we used to always joke that we would get married one day. He did ask me out a few times back then but l felt he wasn't mature enough for the relationship l wanted and always said no. Over the years we have met up or bumped into each other, chemistry still obviously there but one of us had always been in a relationship. I last saw him a few years ago when l had started seeing ex and he asked about it and looked pretty gutted when l confirmed we were in a serious relationship. He knows ex, you could even call them friends although certainly not good friends.

I'm not sure if he even knows l have split with ex yet. My dilemma is do l contact him to see if there is any possibility of something happening with us? I know l am not fully over ex yet, and no idea when l will be, but this is the first time in years we have both been single and l am worried if l leave it for a while he will meet someone else. I would hate him to think that l was using him to get back at ex or that l was on the rebound. There is a possibility l will see him out and about over Xmas holidays now l am going out more but it's not definite.
I know the decent thing to do would be to wait, but if l do what if he meets somebody? He not even be interested in me but l don't want to miss the chance to be with somebody who l have genuine chemistry with and l know to be a thoroughly decent man. What do l do?? confused

Argh l'm so sorry this is so long!

UterusUterusGhali Sun 14-Dec-14 10:17:14

I would contact him!

I saw an old boyfriend on OD once, got in touch and we're now friends. We went to dinner for a catch up, it's a nice way of putting the feelers out with no pressure.

If there's no chemistry; you're back in touch with a friend.
If there is, wahey!

Singleandproud Sun 14-Dec-14 10:17:32

Why not just ask if he wants to meet up for a coffee or something to catch up not as a romantic date and see where things go.

FolkGirl Sun 14-Dec-14 10:26:33

I agree; I'd contact him too.

I'd open with a bit of a "fancy meeting you here!" type comment and keep it friendly.

I completely understand you worries about him meeting someone else, but I'd also be wary of getting involved with someone else before you're ready or it could all go horribly wrong and that would be a real shame.

SantaIKnowHim Sun 14-Dec-14 10:28:42

See I thought everyone would be saying no don't do it! My self esteem has taken a massive battering recently and l guess l am terrified of rejection, especially with someone l know and have mutual friends with.

So if l contact him do l do it over pof or do l send him a text? If text do l mention pof? I'm worried if l contact him and he knows about spit with ex then he will automatically think I'm only getting in touch to get back at ex! confused was thinking of waiting to see if l bump into him over Xmas but do l take that chance?

JohnFarleysRuskin Sun 14-Dec-14 10:32:41

Don't over think it, but do contact him.

I'd send him a note through pof.

Just say 'nice to see you here...or something...

UterusUterusGhali Sun 14-Dec-14 10:33:51

I'd do it on PoF so he knows you're single and that dating might be on the cards.

Yes, "fancy meeting you here" is a good opener.

Do it!

UterusUterusGhali Sun 14-Dec-14 10:34:52

I'd probably open with "come here often?", but I'm a sleaze. fwink

FolkGirl Sun 14-Dec-14 10:35:33

I would do it through pof. That way you both know the other is singke.

Word of warning though, IME, the recently separated do not make excellent partners because of the impact of the breakup. But you could initiate a friendship and take it from there.

Meerka Sun 14-Dec-14 10:36:35

Do it, but keep your feet firmly on the ground. Good luck smile

Llareggub Sun 14-Dec-14 10:37:07

This happened to me. I sent a message on Pof and we had a nice little catch up and a little bit of flirting. It was nice, felt very safe!

Sallyingforth Sun 14-Dec-14 10:37:42

Go for it! It will do no harm at all if you keep it relaxed.

Sallyingforth Sun 14-Dec-14 10:38:36

But come back and tell us how it went...

SantaIKnowHim Sun 14-Dec-14 11:00:22

Ok consensus seems to be send him a breezy fancy seeing you here type message on pof and see what happens.
And yes l am definitely over thinking this! I really just want to re-initiate the friendship and see if the chemistry is still there and take it from there and see what happens.
Will send him a message tonight after a few wines for Dutch courage fsmile

de1este Sun 14-Dec-14 14:22:32

Do it!

ChristmassyMe Sun 14-Dec-14 16:12:57

Can you tell how long he's been on pof for, or when the last time he checked it was? You don't want to send a message through pof if it could be an old profile and he doesn't get the message and you wouldn't know if he got it or not and why he didn't reply? (Never done online dating so sorry if this is stupid)! But if it was me, I'd text him, just to make sure he'd definitely get the message.

orangefusion Sun 14-Dec-14 19:26:29

My bset experience of POF is that it alerts you to people you already know who are single which is much safer than the wrongmos you are likely to meet otherwise.

Contact him.

I met my partner of 2 years on POF having met him six months before at a gallery opening and not knowing he was single but "noticing him" and wondering. A simple message from me to say "hi we met at the xx opening" responded with "yes, we did, do you want a date or are you just saying hi?".

It might feel too soon (by the text books) but it has been a long time in coming- you can take your time if the chemistry is still there- it's not going to dissapear while you do what you have to do to properly recover. Sometimes these things just happen at the right time. Go for it.

sykadelic Mon 15-Dec-14 03:13:49

Just wanted to add my voice to the "do it!" camp. Nothing to be hurt by getting in contact with a friend and seeing where it goes smile

Good luck!

ScrambledEggAndToast Tue 16-Dec-14 18:09:50

Go on do it, you have got nothing to lose and everything to gain. A very similar thing happened to me once about 6 years ago. I saw my school girl crush on an online dating site. I was like this gringringringrin. I contacted him and let's just say we ended up having some fun wink

Happymum1985 Tue 16-Dec-14 19:18:15

do it!!! What have you got to lose? Could be the perfect way to round off what sounds like a bit of a shitty year!!!

wannabslim Tue 16-Dec-14 19:56:18

I would definatley contact him.......do you believe in fate?
what have you got to lose?

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