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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

What would you do

28 replies

newstartforme · 12/12/2014 17:07

I've been seeing a guy for three months now.. Meet him on old. I really really liked him.. Out of the blue at the weekend he called it off stating no real reason just he wasn't ready for anything serious .. Even though this was a v short relationship I was gutted !! Now I find he has all along been seeing someone else !! All this time. I have seen pics of them on fb! He doesn't realise that this woman shares a mutual friend with me.. I'm itching to tell her! Shall I !???

OP posts:

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pictish · 12/12/2014 17:09

No. Unless he's made a defined commitment of exclusivity to either of you, he is free to play the field.

crje · 12/12/2014 17:12

Your under no obligation to do something.

If you choose to wont it be awkward given ye have a mutual friend ?

newstartforme · 12/12/2014 17:17

He said all sorts about us in future and I asked told him that I was looking for a relationship.. At no point did I think he was playing the field .. The mutual friend is really an aqaintance..

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VitalStollenFix · 12/12/2014 17:18

Had you agreed exclusivity? or were you just dating him?

What will you gain from it? Do you want to tell her to hurt her? To punish him?

I'd just let it go. you were seeing someone for about 12 weeks who was seeing other people too.

It always hurts to get dumped but honestly, it sounds like you are just well rid, if he wasn't able to be honest with you about having chosen someone else.

pictish · 12/12/2014 17:20

Well he probably wanted sex, so told you things he thought you wanted to hear in order to facilitate it.
He couldn't possibly make any realistic predictions about the future after a mere three weeks could he...really?

Next time take this sort of chat with a large pinch of salt. x

Hatespiders · 12/12/2014 17:24

I think the OP said 3 months, not weeks?
Nevertheless, it's far more dignified to just let this go. Move on and put it down to experience. The other woman is an adult and will find out what he's like for herself.

pictish · 12/12/2014 17:26

Oh months not weeks!
Yep he's a shyster, but there's nothing to be gained from grassing him up I don't suppose.

HappyMummySal · 12/12/2014 17:36

What a slimeball! You had a lucky escape I think. Could have got very messy if it had gone on any longer. Maybe you could drop it into conversation with your friend? Drop a few hints to let her know what he's like. I know I would want a friend looking out for me in the same situation

newstartforme · 12/12/2014 17:45

No I don't want to hurt the woman but I do think she needs to be aware ??

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newstartforme · 12/12/2014 17:46

I've learnt a valuable lesson here God there are some shits out there !

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MiniTheMinxLovesMinxPies · 12/12/2014 17:49

All this business about "Exclusivity" and having the "Chat" christ why not have it drawn up in a contract, this modern phenomena pisses me off. After three months one should be able to assume that they are not just a flippin option or a casual date.

I am sorry OP, that must be really difficult. Maybe she also thinks that she is "exclusive" with the rat. I would be inclined to talk to the acquaintance and him. I guess I would hope that she would find out, not sure I would want to be the person to tell her though.

VitalStollenFix · 12/12/2014 17:52

Well, I have been off the dating scene for a while, I'll admit, so perhaps things have changed but I am over 40 years old and back when I was dating, I could be seeing several blokes at a time, quite casually, for months and I wouldn't expect them to start trying to lay claim to me unless that's something we'd agreed.

Just having dinner with someone a few times and a bit of fumbling does not obligate you to anything. That happens by agreement.

Now, maybe they had that agreement, OP doesn't say.

Fairenuff · 12/12/2014 17:54

Did you actually agree that you wouldn't see other people OP, or did you just assume that's what he would do?

newstartforme · 12/12/2014 17:58

We agreed it was exclusive.. He played me like a fiddle

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newstartforme · 12/12/2014 17:59

If it was the other way around I'd want to know..

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VitalStollenFix · 12/12/2014 17:59

Oh well, in that case he's a total wanker. You are best off out of it. I hate people who can't just be upfront. Why couldn't he just be honest.

You'll find someone else and you'll look back and think thank FUCK!

FelicityGubbins · 12/12/2014 18:13

I would tell her, it's then her informed decision as to whether she continues to see him or not. How many women post on here saying they wish they had known their partner/spouse was a cheat before they settled down/had children with him...

1FluffyJumper · 12/12/2014 18:36

How do you know how long he's been seeing her?

Joysmum · 12/12/2014 19:28

I'd tell but then I'd hope someone would do me the courtesy of telling me if I were the woman in that position.

Fairenuff · 12/12/2014 20:10

Three months in, he's not even worth the head space. Forget about him, move on.

MiniTheMinxLovesMinxPies · 12/12/2014 21:47

Oh maybe its just me, I'm 40 and I have never had the chat. Maybe I am lucky or maybe I'm naïve.

Op if he said you were exclusive you can bet she thinks her relationship with him is exclusive. So yes, I would ensure she know she's with a rat

LaQueenAnd3KingsOfOrientAre · 12/12/2014 22:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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HanselandGretel · 12/12/2014 22:51

I'm another one who doesn't understand the need for 'the chat' and 'exclusivity', has this been adopted from America? I go by my own values and if I was seeing someone for three months I would not be seeing someone else at the same time and would expect the same from whoever I was seeing. If they don't 'mention' they are seeing anyone else then I would (naively maybe) assume we were an item and there was noone else in the picture.
If it turned out they were seeing someone else I would consider this cheating by the fact they failed to disclose their 'playing the field' status.

There fore I class the guy you were seeing as a bit of a cheating shit as he strung you along. Would I tell? Not sure, I'd be pissed off enough to be tempted. Perhaps you could 'leak' it somehow. Or maybe give yourself time to cool off and reflect but either way I can totally understand your hurt OP.

FrogIsATwatInASantaHat · 13/12/2014 10:42

I would and did! It made me feel a whole lot better and i would do it again.
So much is said about 'being dignified' and 'rising above' but what about you? Would it make YOU feel better? Ask yourself if it would. Then go with your answer.

newstartforme · 13/12/2014 11:06

I'd decided against it last night then I flashed back to this time last week when I was running around to buy food to take to his place :-( and how the v night before I was dropped he was talking about stuff we d do in future and how he was all over me ... All he was doing was using me as an ego boost .. What a knoby so dam it I will say something

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