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When you go NC with a narc - do you tell them?

(18 Posts)
Somethingtodo Mon 08-Dec-14 11:50:12

Just discovered narcs the other day and that my troublesome sister is one and I am a specific target....so have decided to go NC. Contact is limited and one way already.... ie her to me. So I have just decided not to respond. I ignored a random text on Fri - asking for info from me to help her neighbour (dont know why she couldnt google it) - and then today she hs just left a long winded "nice" VM -- would be lovely to see you and the kids etc - hope all is going well etc....do I just ignore, ignore, ignore...or front it out - but she will "win" again if I do like this -- I will be too sensitive, too irrational etc. what is the best approach ?

GoatsDoRoam Mon 08-Dec-14 11:53:01

No, don't bother. Won't mean a thing to her.

Only do it if there's specific stuff you would feel better getting off your chest. So if you inform her, do it for you. It will not have any impact on her whether or not you do.

PedlarsSpanner Mon 08-Dec-14 11:53:58

Ignore

Telling them just reopens channels of unwanted communication

Stay strong

Delete/block their number. Lock down social media like facebook too.

Meerka Mon 08-Dec-14 12:02:04

it depends how vicious she'll be when she realises you're blocking her.

If you want to do it the quietest way, develop a sudden case of Dizzyness.

Start forgetting to answer her. Or answer some of the time after 2, 3, 4, 10 days. Say sorry when you do "I forgot". Start being out when she calls, if she does, or just about to go out. Make vague arrangements "oh yes, we'll have to arrange that sometimes" and never do. "sorry, can't make that time". Never tell her anything important or your plans. Be vague as you can. Deliberately make mistakes about timing - turn up half an hour after you've arranged to meet, if you can't get out of it.

If you really want NC let her call you names. Laugh and brush them off "yeah, I'm dozy" as though it's endearing for you to be scatty. Dozy with a rhinoceros hide!

She'll pin you down at first but as time goes on, being as evasive as fog will make it harder. Hopefully she'll get annoyed and find pinning you down too unrewarding.

Suddenly going quiet on her might actually draw her attention.

If Dozy will work, then that's not bad. If it won't work, then it would have to be more overt; distancing yourself by not answering. Will you have to see her at family stuff though? A formal NC can make that harder though it's sometimes the only way.

castlesintheair Mon 08-Dec-14 12:07:54

I had to communicate with my narc twice since going NC. Once because she was hassling my in laws and out of loyalty to them (and embarrassment), I sent a short, business like text asking her not to involve them. In the early days of NC out of complete desperation when I was overwhelmed by (vile) communication from her I asked her, again by text, to stop. That is it. It's been ignore all the way ever since. Everything has been blocked. I've even moved country! My advice would be ignore if possible or one short sharp text if necessary, then change your number or block her.

Somethingtodo Mon 08-Dec-14 12:15:33

Yes we will have to see each other at family events and I am not interested in causing a rift. I know that my other sisters limit their involvement already. The VM this morning was v unusual - no reason to call.....but she is obvs wound up that I did not respond to her text on Fri. Yes she will get really nasty and vengeful if I say it overtly....tho I am not sure I can sustain the "dozy" approach either.

I expect her any minute now to turn up / drop by as just passing.....so will be ready with the "appt/event" we we just on the way out to do

CogitOIOIO Mon 08-Dec-14 13:31:38

I think if you are committed to this course of action you should at least tell them that you're not going to be in contact before disappearing off the radar. Articulate it, not necessarily for their benefit, but to show yourself you can be assertive. If they're nasty and vengeful all the time, it's going to be no big deal to let them have one last tantrum

Joysmum Mon 08-Dec-14 14:18:49

I just stopped bothering. It fizzled out, nothing had been directly said and has never needed to be.

Somethingtodo Mon 08-Dec-14 14:29:34

I dont need to show myself that I can be assertive - and I certainly dont need another last tantrum during the Xmas Season which will impact my wider family. We will need to see each other xmas day and I will need to block, ignore, tap dance my way out of requests for get together over the xmas break.

I hope she will get the message and flounce away!

CogitOIOIO Mon 08-Dec-14 16:14:33

If this person really is a 'narc' then they won't get the message at all. Self-absorbed people are just that... absorbed in themselves and oblivious to the actions of others. So start on the basis that you won't be joining the on Christmas Day and let anyone affected know your decision. No tap-dancing or figurative hiding behind the sofa. No wishy-washy ideas of 'needing' to see each other just because it's already been arranged. Be up front about the new way things are going to happen and stick to your guns.

'NC' is not for the faint-hearted, especially when it involves close family. When you're making a bold change to your life it's important to let people know where the new boundaries are so that they can respect them. You'll have to make sacrifices occasionally (like missing out on family events), and generally risk being regarded as awkward in order to be true to your principles. That's how it goes.

Somethingtodo Mon 08-Dec-14 17:24:06

Exactly - even if you tell it to them straight - so what is the point?

And "if this person really is a narc" when you do tell it to them straight - they will attack back and manipulate everyone else to your disadvantage.

So I will not be doing that.

I do not need to be up front but I will stick to my guns - except that I am not going to inflict my children missing out on a large family gathering this Christmas. I have managed it this with another narc sister for the last 4 years and it has paid off. We dont miss out, I am not seen as awkward and I have managed to keep a distance at the event.

LittleRedRidingHoodie Mon 08-Dec-14 17:57:36

I went NC with my mother several months ago. I initially tried just ignoring her contact until she asked outright when I would be able to see her next. I replied, by email, that I had made the decision not to see her. She then said she hoped I'd see her again once I 'stopped being angry.' I said I wasn't at all angry and that my decision to not see her again, ever had lifted a huge weight off my shoulders. She didn't reply and hasn't got in contact since. It's heavenly. I recommend telling them so that you don't get anxious every time you open your email / get a text etc.

mameulah Mon 08-Dec-14 18:03:51

Go and see him and, very sweetly, tell him that you are sorry for causing any confusion and just wanted him to know that he really hurt your feelings. He won't know how to cope and being accountable will make him think twice about being a pig to you.

Aussiebean Mon 08-Dec-14 20:49:27

Take voice mail off your phone. That way she can't leave a message for you to respond to. Home phone as well. But get caller id so you don't pick up the phone.

No personal information about anything. EVERONE is fine. work is good. House is fine. Then change subject to her. Weather, news item, new shops in town etc.

I would even block her and when she complains tell her you never received any text from her (truth) maybe there is something wrong with her phone. She should go get it checked.

And boy are you busy at the moment with kids parties work dos and so on you are not available.

This might help lower all contact without actually having to say it.

WillkommenBienvenue Mon 08-Dec-14 20:57:30

You have two narc sisters? I would tread carefully, it might be that your mother is behind them. A narc mother can work the situation very well to make siblings fight and squabble endlessly.

Given that they are family it might help if you always make it clear when you will be seeing them again. That puts you in control of dates etc and helps them to relax if they are panicking thinking that they might never see you again. Fear of rejection is very powerful and all human being suffer from that whether narc or not.

Be careful about excluding family from your childrens lives.

Somethingtodo Mon 08-Dec-14 21:07:08

Both of my parents are dead and neither were a narc.

I have no concern if my sister feels the suffering of rejection - but my understanding is that narcs dont feel.

I am one of 8 siblings - so there is plenty of family to around. I have already been NC with one sister for 3/4 years - it was the best thing I ever did - but we still do polite small talk at family events.

My children do not need toxic narcs in their lives....it has been because the narc extended her bitterness to my innocent children that I have made these decisions.

stabbypokey Mon 08-Dec-14 21:46:17

I have been NC with my sister for 3 years. She found out through our parents. My parents initially supported some space, but now think I'm holding a grudge too long.

She does the wounded party act very well, but now that she doesn't have me as a supposed catalyst she is turning on them. I have seen her once at a funeral and did polite chit chat, my friend before he left the funeral, said 'be careful don't let her reel you in'. I don't ask about her and I don't care about her. Best thing I ever did. Block and ignore and let your family know what you are doing.

Somethingtodo Mon 08-Dec-14 22:17:03

Thanks stabby - there have been plenty of periods of NC before with my sister - where she has flounced off and/or I have avoided her,,,,but it is always the same pattern....things deteriorate after a short while and I get injured again - so enough is enough. I am nearly 50 years ols - I really dont need this nonsense in my life,

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