I just want to ask what people believe about love in their marriage and how they see it.
This is because I am working through being separated from my H and making the decision to divorce him, even though I still love him very much.
My H is not the best looking man, nor the strongest, nor the most impressive but I just loved him absolutely. I don't want to make this longer than necessary but I loved him in all the ways you can and I have never felt more happy that I was during our marriage. He was just "the one" if that is a simple way to explain it.
We had a great marriage and a great life, but I think throughout it he was to some degree pretending to be what he thought I wanted to please me. With hindsight I am not sure how much of my marriage was real.
He had a breakdown a couple of years ago, got severe depression and he just changed completely. He left me unexpectedly, said he didn't love me and wanted a divorce. After that, while I was in complete shock and desperate to repair my marriage, he became cold, nasty, verbally abusive. He started to be cruel to me - narcissistic behavior, gaslighting, cruelty and he wouldn't talk about it at all- he was just gone.
I was devastated as I said, but after a year of begging and getting no result, I moved away and built a new life and went NC with the ex. I pretended in my he was dead as it was the only way I could cope with it. I'm still sad, still miss him, still love him though.
I made a thread a while ago asking if I should take H back, as he is better now, sorry and thinks he made a mistake. I got varying answers but I decided really that it was too little, too late and I felt that despite being better he had not worked through the parts of himself that led to the breakdown in the first place. He wouldn't talk about it at the time, and so I feel like the window we had to talk about it and fix it is gone.
He's a good man, but very selfish, conflict avoidant, people pleasing, weak and prone to run away rather than deal with things. He doesn't really see any of those things about himself, and I don't think he has the capability to learn and grow from this. He is sort of like a big kid emotionally. I think that in combination with depression was what made him treat me so badly.
My current BF ticks all the boxes. I find him very attractive, he has a good job, he is looking to settle down and thinks I am the right woman. He is intelligent, thoughtful, funny, we have heaps in common, he is emotionally intelligent, analytic, kind and I think he would be a great Dad and I want kids. He's been amazingly supportive to me and accepts my grief and I feel like he is a wonderful person.
I can't understand why I don't love him?
I'm so scared of waking up an old lady, having spent my life with the easy or safe option instead of with the person I truly, deeply loved, however flawed that person is.
Deep down I believe my H is the sort of person who would let me down again, who would lie to me to keep the peace, who would have an affair - because he's just like that. He covers up being Mr Nice Guy with actually being a person with little emotional maturity. He's a coward really.
It annoys me that I still love him so much.
Do we choose, even subconsciously who we love?
If I "learn" to love someone else, will it make me as happy to the extent I once felt happy with H?
Do we sometimes have to make the choice not to be with the one we love the most because they are just no good for us?
I'm so scared of regrets, but I feel like my H won't be the husband / father that I deserve and I feel like he will let me down. Maybe not for a few years, but surely later on down the line. I think it's just who he is....
Sorry this is so long. If any of the wise people here have any insight,I just want to let go and feel happy about it instead of this constant feeling that I am in the wrong life.
Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody
Relationships
Can I ask about love?
PaisleySheets · 02/12/2014 14:27
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