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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

DP/DS and moving abroad dilemma

16 replies

LuisSuarezTeeth · 28/11/2014 20:28

I have a massive dilemma here. DP lives and works in Switzerland and has just got a permanent job, replacing his temporary contract. We've been together a year before he left and a further year since he has been abroad.

DS is 16 and in college - it's a one year course, but it's expected he will do two further years.

I have so many issues here I don't know where to start. I want to live in Switzerland permanently within the next 2-3 years but I also want to be here for DS. He is open to the idea of moving too, but I would feel rather useless trying to support him in a foreign country IYSWIM.

Much of my confusion is due to lack of information and research, I know, but I know that I love my son, I love my DP, I want to move to Switzerland and I want DS with me (for entirely selfish reasons).

I need to process all this and make a plan, but my pros/cons lists aren't helping. I think I mainly feel guilty for thinking about what I want, as opposed to burying it and thinking about my son. I've been a LP most of Ds's life. The questions are whirling around in my head, so some feedback would be appreciated.

I think relevant information would be: DS is my only child, he has no contact with his father. I am self employed and this would be transferrable based on mastering basic German/Swiss German. I have family in the UK. I have no savings or assets. DP earns a very good salary. My equivalent earnings would be massively increased in Switzerland.

Can anyone relate or help me make sense of it all please?

OP posts:

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ChilliMum · 28/11/2014 20:39

Hi I am sorry I can't help with your dilemma but I just wanted to say we live near Basel and Switzerland is fantastic. Huge expat community very welcoming and English is widely spoken.

There are also a number of international schools if your son would consider this and it's a wonderful experience for children to live in a different country.

Best of luck with your decision op.

FeckTheMagicDragon · 28/11/2014 20:40

I think the main thing is to ensure that your DS can continue his education in his chosen field - this is critical for his future job prospects. If he moves too, can he do it in Switzerland? Is your DP willing to help fund it, if its beyond your means? Is he willing to have your son move too and take on financial responsibility for him as well?

A lot can change for a teenager in the next two to three years, he may be read to be independent at 18 (my eldest was) or may not (my youngest wasn't :) )

LuisSuarezTeeth · 28/11/2014 21:24

Thanks Chilli - the move would be Zurich and I've experienced the welcoming attitude over the last year. My son would be looking at vocational courses - any idea how that works?

Feck - I'm not sure in respect of continuing his education, but it's mechanics. DP is more than willing to take financial responsibility, I refuse to let him

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LuisSuarezTeeth · 28/11/2014 21:26

I think it's less about the logistics and more about me having a preference that doesn't begin and end with DS. And ouch, that hurts to say.

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Wonc · 28/11/2014 21:32

But It must begin and end with your DS...

LuisSuarezTeeth · 28/11/2014 21:34

Exactly Wonc

God I must sound like the world's most selfish mother

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MaryWestmacott · 28/11/2014 21:43

Not the worlds most selfish mother at all, if you were, you'd just be doing it and not thinking about him.

If your DS isn't planning a purely accademic A level route, then this probably won't work for him (it would be easy to either find an international school in Zurich or a boarding school for his A levels here).

Are there any family members DS could live with while he finish his studies?

Can you and your DP not wait 2 more years? You're going to have a hideous carbon footprint, but you could fly back and forth every other weekend. 2 years it's that much in the grand scheme of things.

Wonc · 28/11/2014 21:45

Nope. The world's most selfish mother would move without regard for her son.

But he is so close to finishing his education and I don't think you should even think about disrupting that unless he can do similar studies in Switzerland.
DH's parents moved in his final year of study and it was very hard for him losing his friends at that age and starting again while trying to concentrate on his school work. I accept though that not all children are the same. What does your DS say?

He needs to be your priority. After all, your DP could have turned down the job knowing your circumstances...

LuisSuarezTeeth · 28/11/2014 22:38

Yes of course I can wait 2-3 years - that's rather the plan Mary - thank you

I'm just worried that planning for this is wrong. DS wants to live in a house share in the next year, which TERRIFIES me, but I guess I need to accept that.

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ImperialBlether · 28/11/2014 23:46

I would let your DP accept financial responsibility - you two would be uprooting yourselves and moving to be with him; he has to bear some responsibility for that.

I don't know why you're worried about this. Can't you and your son go there at the start of a school year?

This seems a very easy problem to me! Your DP funds you as you learn the language; you keep going with your business and your son studies there.

LuisSuarezTeeth · 29/11/2014 07:44

Imperial I think it's just that DS is very much established here with his friends and so on. I don't plan to do anything at all until the end of the next school year and I guess a lot can change in that time.

Mulling this over a bit more, I think I'm seeing the "empty nest" looming and I'm possibly more upset about that than anything else.

Oh and now my carbon footprint as well

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MaryWestmacott · 29/11/2014 07:48

Well hang on, by the time you plan to go, your ds will be 18 and living elsewhere? Then go ! You don't have to maintain a home in his old home town forever.

I'd say not got now, but once he's 18 I see no problem with you going.

You're about to move from being a mum of a child to mum of an adult, you can absolutely put your own needs first when you get to being the parent of an adult.

tribpot · 29/11/2014 07:55

So DS is in college on a one year course. After that there could be a two year extension to the same course. Ds does not want to move to Switzerland, say at the end of this academic year, if a similar course were available for him to continue his studies there?

I would stay in the UK until his college education is finished and then move to Switzerland. It sounds as if he won't be going to uni but completing his further education at the age of 19? At that stage it is reasonable to be finding his own way in life with a job and a flat share.

Re-reading the thread it sounds as if ds is willing to consider finishing his education in Switzerland, which I'd imagine will be possible. I personally wouldn't make him move away from all his friends at this stage, but nor would I leave him in the UK on his own in a flat share.

Rebecca2014 · 29/11/2014 08:21

So you aren't looking to move for another 2-3 years? I think that is the right choice because he be a bit older then...

Even though he be legally an adult when you leave, it is likely he will still need his mother around and he may resent you moving. He has not got a father or siblings so really you are the only close family he has, his father doesn't bother with him and his mother moved country. Not nice is it...sorry but I am just being honest, he still be very young when you leave.

You only have one child, you think you would want to maintain that really close bond you have?

LuisSuarezTeeth · 29/11/2014 08:42

Yes DS will be at least 18. He is quite open to the idea of Switzerland but I'm not sure he realises the difficulties with language etc. I feel it is best for him to complete his education here and I don't want to leave him, but at some point he is going to leave ME IYSWIM.

Flights are quite cheap, so he could fly out pretty much whenever he wants, as I do now.

Rebecca, that's harsh, but possible. I guess this is why I'm talking about it with him and getting his opinions. If I had all the choices to make, I'd go next year and take DS too, but that's just not right.

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financialwizard · 29/11/2014 08:55

LuisSuarezTeeth

Your DS will be at least 18 and living on his own for at least a year by the time you go. Therefore you will have had a year on your own and he a year to find his feet living on his own or with his mates. You will probably feel far more comfortable at that stage.

He will be moving on with his life, and at that point you will need to as well.

Like you said flights are relatively cheap and you can get back quickly if you need to.

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