Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Struggling with separation after affair, but still in same house

(6 Posts)
Neverever83 Thu 27-Nov-14 08:05:24

I found out my husband was cheating 2 months ago. It turned out that he had been texting a 19 year old new uni student (he is 51), that he met at a charity dinner (with me and I made small talk with her!) for the last 6 months, and amazingly only after 2 months of us being married.

I caught him out after he had been away for a weekend and I was able to check his phone records and found thousands of messages he had been sending her. He came back and he had admitted he had been with her and that he didn't want to stop seeing her. Despite the fact that there was nothing wrong with us and our relationship etc etc.

We have a mortgage together. I put the deposit down and he pays for the mortgage in its entireity and I pay for the bills and the food etc. We have a one year old boy and I work part time for child care.

Now I can't afford to pay the mortgage on my limited earnings and he says he cannot afford to move out and pay for both until the house is sold. But with his income he could manage, but it will affect the trips he makes every three weeks to see this girl. Where he goes across the country to where she is in uni, hires a car, pays for fuel, accommodation, meals and whatever else they do. Whilst I stay at home and look after our son. Obviously I really struggle with this situation and I just want to live on my own with my son, but feel I am tied until the house is sold. Out of stubbornness I refuse to move out to stay at my parents whilst he stays in the house.

He doesn't make life difficult at home, but seems confused sometimes when I am off with him on his return etc. He seems to live in cuckoo land.

My main problem is that we have separate rooms but I am finding it compulsive to snoop. As I have found a delightful memory box from her amongst other things I didn't want to find, giving dates of when they met etc etc and things he didn't admit to (like taking my son to meet her).

I haven't brought up that I have found this latest gem, as I want to keep things peaceful at home and I want to keep things sweet at home, until I get what I need out financially from the house.

But how do I stop snooping. I just want this crap out of our marital home. I have put blocks on the computer so I cannot see history etc.

But I am struggling with the separated but living together thing, big time.

Any advice.....

Quitelikely Thu 27-Nov-14 08:40:50

In all honesty some things just aren't worth putting up with. If it's unlikely you will get to remain in that house then I think you should start looking elsewhere ASAP as you're only delaying the inevitable.

Have you checked what financial help you will get from the government? And also enquired as to what maintenance he will have to pay you?

Btw I'm sorry that you have had to experience this so soon in your marriage but I think the fact it's happened so soon is a blessing in the sense that you can go and find someone else to share your life with.

Flimflammer Thu 27-Nov-14 10:21:18

He seems to think that his trips to see OW take priority over making sure your son has a stable home. By going along with this ridiculous arrangement you are tacitly agreeing with him. If you dont think that's right, tell him that your !mortgage comes first and he must honour his responsibilities. How he chooses to see her is his problem.

It might be that the house has to be sold , you need good legal advice asap. I'm really sorry that you are going through this. Having been through a relationship breakdown at roughly the same stage in my child's life I can say my regret is that I didn't face up to the inevitable earlier so that I could focus on the baby. Crappy husbands are ten a penny but you only get one go on those early years.

Neverever83 Thu 27-Nov-14 14:53:35

Thanks very much for the replies. If I am honest I think I am scared of his reaction if I ask him to leave, whether he might refuse and then I have to leave. But I am scared the house sale could take ages and like you said waste a good chunk of mine and my sons life.

Flimflammer Thu 27-Nov-14 15:58:38

I know the courts sometimes make some funny decisions but I would be surprised if you could be made to leave the house you paid a deposit on because he has got a new girlfriend 2 months after your wedding.

Have you had any legal advise at all? It sounds to me that you are in a very strong position but you don't realise it. I hope you have RL

Neverever83 Thu 27-Nov-14 16:57:22

I have had some legal advice and going back next week. They suggested that I take all the capital out of the house in order for me to secure something else and he takes nothing. He is pretty much agreeing to that at the moment.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now