Hate living in my partners house

[JACKS1999]

I have made the biggest mistake both financial and emotional. I have been with my partner 7 years. Three years ago we decided we would both sell our houses and get a house together, I did make it clear if he was unhappy to sell then that was fine. It was agreed I would sell first as my house was new but I would be making a huge loss but still equity. I did say that I could not live in his house long term. Three years on he has made no effort to sell. He has lots of 'stuff'..keeps saying he will sort out but never does. I hate it here. I cannot relax he can get moody often especially if he has a drink (which he does often). I feel uncomfortable inviting friends or even my boys round(22 & 24). He has changed when I moved in. When I ask what is happening he makes all the excuses. I get angry then he says there is no point as we are not getting on. If I keep quiet and pretend I am ok then he thinks everything is fine living here. He has said in the past I thought you would just get use to it. I have no security here. I nearing 50 and now I am very scared for my financial future. I feel I will have to move away to afford a house. I am beginning to really feel hatred towards him as I feel he has cheated me. He just had to say no I do not want to move.
Christmas is coming and I feel dread not excitement as its just not home here.
I would like to know if I have any rights in claiming at least my costs of moving and buying a new house from him. I lost £35000 from my house sale. I have been such fool and now I feel so scared depressed and worried.

[venusandmars]

Is there any reason why you have not been looking for a new home together? Do you know what you want, or has he been dragging his heels on this too?

[Quitelikely]

Unfortunately I think you have to give him an ultimatum. He puts his house on the market or you are leaving.

You will never get your 35k back. So wave goodbye to that.

He clearly doesn't respect your views or wishes.

[JACKS1999]

He will not look. He says he wants a bungalow but everytime I show him one something is wrong. I believe he never intends to move. I should of trusted my instincts before. I nearly pulled out of my sale when I was at the solicitors and his attitude was cannot you make a decision in an impatient tone!! His house is next to his sister built on land that his dad owned. He has a large mortgage due to his divorce. I feel he is stringing me along. When I ask seriously what is happening he says he has to sell but no effort at all in following through.
His jobs is very hands on,stressful and long hours so this wears him out.

[sooperdooper]

If he does sell, it doesn't sound like you want to live with him anyway? Will you get any of your money back from the sale of this properly, was that supposed to be the plan?

[venusandmars]

Things don't sound very healthy between you if you're not discussing this - discussing a new house together, or discussing how (in the interim) you make 'his' house into your shared home.

If you move on (without him) I doubt you have any 'rights' to a the costs of moving. If you had a good relationship then perhaps you could discuss it with him, but that doesn't sound feasible..... :(

My dp and I had our own houses and because of changes in the market, negative equity, etc it took many years for us to achieve the 'one home' ideal. However we never wavered from what we both wanted. I also have friends in a similar position to yours (they have bought their 'together' home a few months ago), but again, despite the difficult compromises they have each had to make, they have stuck to their agreement and bought a house which is an acceptable compromise for both of them.

I'm not sure what you mean by the 'lost £35000' Is this what you could have sold at in better circumstances? or now? either way, we all have to accept that 'notional prices' are just that - an ide of something that didn't actually happen. When my dp sold his property it was for much less than he could have sold it for 5 years earlier or 3 years later - but that wasn't REAL money, and keeping the house on for another 3 years would have also cost us..... (real money and peace of mind, and the cost of being separate). Sometimes in order to move on, you just have to accept the volatility of the market....

[ChrissCrossCrunch]

Get your big girls pants on and start looking for somewhere to live on your own - maybe rent to start whilst you get yourself together a bit?

[Joysmum]

I'd be looking for an exit plan. It might be worth renting where you are but looking for a BTL mortgage to at least get on the housing ladder elsewhere if that's a possibility for you?

[JACKS1999]

I have been looking for an exit for the past year or at least a property to invest in but prices have gone up quite abit here. I just feel very insecure now and not sure how to take the next steps. When I was divorced 11 years ago I bought a small 2 up 2 down for myself and my boys. I tried to have an amicable split from my ex husband. I didn't think I could afford the family home so he kept it. I was happy secure and safe for three years then made a move to buy a new house so both boys could have their own rooms. I invested £80 000 in the house took on a interest only mortgage with the view that after 5 years to downsize after boys had left home. But as we all know the property market crashed £159 500 house was selling for £114 000...3 years later. Just after purchasing I met my partner initially I wasn't too bothered but he pursued me. Over the three years he spent most weekends at my house when he didn't have his son and visited mid week.
He was always tired but I put that down to work. I had interests dancing,swimming and cycling. He would come along holidays etc was always my initiative. After 3-4 years we decided on a verbal agreement that to move forward we would sell. Because my house was in show home condition (ex show home) it was easier to sell mine first. Selling two at the same time seemed to difficult. I managed to sell at £125 000. Now I can hardly afford anything. I nearly bought a flat as investment over a year ago but my partner was negative about it.
I know I need to put my big girl pants on but I have lost all my confidence now. My partner who use to share interests just sleeps all the time after work. He is a good man overall but just will not talk. It would be easy to sit back and just accept this is the best life can be but i just cannot settle. I am so scared now. My argument with him is that it was a verbal agreement, i would not of sold. I would be safe in my house if we had not had that agreement. I feel if i have to purchase again i feel he should help towards the costs of solicitors etc. He is sitting pretty nothing has changed for him. I so upset with myself for trusting someone. Even tonight i have the conversation/argument again he says things do not happen overnight..3 years is not overnight. I just need to wake up and smell the........I know ppl are a lot worse....but i just scared now....

[Vivacia]

I feel if i have to purchase again i feel he should help towards the costs of solicitors etc.

I don't think you have a leg to stand on with this.

[SavoyCabbage]

I don't think that's ever going to happen.

He's got it all going on with his house on his dad's land and his sister and his loads of stuff. And of course you. He's very comfortable.

I'm in a not too dissimilar situation, living in a country I don't want to be living in and people are always telling me to just leave but in my circumstances it's not as easy as that. (Young dc, husband is not a twat) But I do know that you have to put yourself in charge of your life and not wait for your partner to fix the situation, regardless of what he's said in the past.

He probably thought he was going to move when he said it but he's not going to go through with it now.

[JACKS1999]

I know...I just don't where to go now. There isn't much I can afford now around here. Do you manage to come home much? Savoy Why do you not like where you live? is it a language barrier or security or just not home?

[SavoyCabbage]

I live in Australia and I have a perfectly nice life here but I want to live in the UK and share my life and my children with my family. I have been here six years and we have been back twice.

If it had happened to my best friend I would be saying "just come home!" but it's not that easy when it's your actual life!

I think like Venus said you need to discuss with him how to make his house your shared home in the interim. Before you find this perfect property. Will he put the house in joint names?

[KouignAmann]

I think you have to forgive yourself the past mistakes and accept you have been misled. He may not have realised he wouldn't be able to move on from the house with such sentimental ties for him, even though he said he would.

You will have to be very unemotional about this, looking at your capital and what you can achieve with it. Do you want to stay with him but build a nest egg for yourself for the future with a buy to let? Or do you want to move out and start afresh?

How will he react to an ultimatum do you think? WIll he try to persuade you to stay? or is it all too much effort for him?

You have made me think hard about all this. I am living with my DP in a huge house we have bought jointly after I sold my house and we still have a small mortgage. The plan is to sell his house soon and pay off the mortgage and reduce our costs by about £600 a month. But nothing is happening yet.

I only have one carrot to offer him. He wants to marry me and I have said I won't set a date until after he has sold his house. It is all a verbal agreement though, so I cant force him to get on with it.

I think sometimes you have to take a risk to move forward otherwise we would all be sitting timidly alone

[JACKS1999]

Thankyou for the replies. I have always had my concerns for too long. Time passes by and I am getting older. I need to look at an investment to move in at a later date as my job is very stressful so I feel I need to change that too. He shows no interest in whether I buy an investment place other than when I say the flat the other year and he didn't think it was a good idea.
It is so much easier making these decisions for other ppl as you say.
He decorated the house for me to move in. It is more his attitude when my kids come round he can snappy it makes me feel ill at ease. My boys with their girlfriends want to come around Christmas eve/ morning but if he has had a drink he can get abit 'off'. It feels like he is saying its my house and your family is here. It could be me being very sensitive. There was no problem with his attitude when he was at my house.
That's my point he has a huge mortgage and maintenance payment for his younger son. He never moans about this but then he never wants to do anything because he says he has no money. If we had purchased a smaller cheaper house he would be able to do things. He offered before I moved in and over the last two years to sort out wills etc his idea/offer but nothing. I do not want his money when we agreed to buy a house together his money invested would be set for his boys and what is left of mine for my boys if we ever had to sell or died.
I think I need to talk to a financial advisor but I feel I may not be able to cope with what they say.

[PlantsAndFlowers]

It sounds like you're walking on eggshells in your own home. Do you really think this will change if you do buy a house together? Either way, it doesn't sound like he wants to.

[2rebecca]

In retrospect you should have insisted he put his house up for sale when you did. I don't think I'd have let him get away with this for 3 years. I'd be feeling angry and misled by his attitude.
If he doesn't consider you and equal in the relationship and gets nasty when he drinks you'd be better off just leaving. Staying with a man for the money/ rent free accommodation is doing no-one any favours.

[SolidGoldBrass]

I think your best bet is to find somewhere else to live and dump this man. He sounds lazy, selfish and boring.
I also think you have learned a hard lesson - that being single is better than being so desperate not to be single that you take up with a tosser like this one.

[sugarsinner]

Are you on the mortgage? If so, get on it? Draw up an agreement which states you will be entitled to whatever you've paid into the house the 3 years you've been there. Give it 12 months, then leave and take your share. It might not be 35,000 but it may cover part of a deposit atleast. Have you told him how much you've lost out financially. I think you ought to sit and explain to him how you feel, of he'll listen! Then he might come up with something. For financial reasons you might have to stick it a bit longer to atleast get a bit of what you deserve back.