Been happily married for 30+ years. Have two teenagers (15 & 16). Good jobs, nice house, friends.
2 years ago DH started working with a new team. He got friendly with one of the new women - lets call her Jane - and started, very subtley, to change. Decided to become a vegetarian - nothing wrong with that, he wanted to be more healthy and lose weight, which he has. Started to enjoy his job more which can only be good. started to buy new clothes and change his appearance - still all good. He is a great dad and spends a lot of time with the boys. He is very domesticated and does more than his fair share round the house. Sexually we are very compatible and have never had any problems in bed. He has always worked in a predominantly female environment and has had female friends. I have never minded, questioned his judgement or wanted to be part of those friendships particularly - they are just work colleagues. We have hobbies that we do apart, we are not joined at the hip. But we have always had mutual respect, trust and affection.
Its all good right? WTF do I have to worry about?
Well alongside all those good things he has also been neglecting me. He is too tired for conversation in the evenings. We dont really go out as a couple much anymore, I cant remember the last time we had a laugh together. He lies about when he spends time with this woman, both at work and socially. He drinks way more than he ever did because she - and the team - celebrate every event with a massive drinking binge. He accuses me of being paranoid because I keep questioning him about her and their relationship. Gradually over the two years he has become more and more secretive about his working life and especially anything involving Jane. I can tell when he is lying to me hence the questioning. They aren't big lies, just little things like when he has had lunch with her, if they are booked on a course together, if he gives her a lift to and from places. Things that, if they were above board wouldn't warrant lying about.
He tells me there is nothing going on and its in my head, and that he lies because he is worried about my reaction whenever this woman is mentioned. I tell him that my reaction is down to the fact that he lies about her and is secretive about anything she is involved in with him.
For what its worth I don't think he is having an affair. She is on my fb friends and we chat and get along fine although I have never met her in person. He doesn't come home later than normal, he doesn't go out more than normal except for these planned events, the phone bill shows the odd short call to her mobile, but nothing more than I would expect from other friends.
But I don't trust him anymore where she is concerned. Because if there was nothing to worry about there would be no need to lie would there? We have talked and talked about this and every time I think we are back on track he goes and lies again. Tonight he told me on the phone that he was at work but it transpired (after some questioning) that they had worked together at her home and not in the office (which is only a few minutes away). Her husband was there also apparently. So why lie about it? again?
I don't know how to get out of this vicious circle we have become embedded in. I do think he has an emotional connection to her which is why he lies and he does like a quiet life which might account for the lies if he thinks I am going to kick off about him spending time with her. He says (quite rightly) that he has had lots of female colleagues, been away on business with them, worked alongside them in and out of the office so nothing is different. But it feels different. I feel scared and threatened by their friendship and I cant put my finger on why.
Please or to access all these features
Please
or
to access all these features
Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody
Relationships
^^ thats me right now (username)
4 replies
paranoidoldwitch · 26/11/2014 01:13
OP posts:
Please create an account
To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.