Question from a guy here who's been stuck in a cycle for 2 years which can't seem to break, but just perpetuates itself. If you want to skip the ramblings, scroll down to the bottom of the post.
Nearly 2 years ago, me and my ex split. We had been together for a year so not long, but it got pretty "deep", both in love (I think) but certainly I was head over heels.
My Ex, lets call her C, had depression when we met which was never a problem. I thought we talked about a lot of stuff and I tried to be as supportive as I could. I was crazy about this girl and would have done anything for her. Quite a few times, I had to take stuff on the chin when she had a bit of an episode and maybe said some horrible things/ran away etc.
It never bothered me as I loved her so wanted to do nothing but help. Maybe sometimes I found it hard but I certainly tried.
We seemed to have a great relationship, open, honest etc. As it turns out, there were some thing she was keeping from me, such as being raped when she was a teen, had herpes etc.
I always tried to let her know that nothing was a problem as long as we talked about it. I understood why she maybe didn't want to have sex a lot and had to be comfortable, it wasn't a problem. She has a daughter who was 3 at the time we were together. I had never expected to be invovled with a woman with a child so young (we were both 22 when we were together) but after a few months I really enjoyed it. I made sure I wasn't trying to be "dad" but also form a bond with C's daughter, which I did, quite strongly.
We got weekends away sometimes for along time, we were always very open about expressing that we loved each other and how much each other meant to us.
I thought things were going good, then they all ended rather suddenly. We were going on holiday for a weekend for my birthday/valentines day. The day of the flight, on my way to pick her up, she told me she didn't want to go. I said I could not too but she was insistent she didn't want to go with me and I needed to just go. So I did and spent the weekend in Amsterdam getting wasted, dreading going home to "that talk".
So long story short, we broke up, with very little reasoning. She just said that she couldn't be with me and it was for the best. She didn't want to have sex, she thought she was a-sexual and that I just needed to get away from her. I was heart broken, make worse by having no idea what I had done wrong or what I should have done differently.
We said we wanted to stay friends, honestly, I just couldn't lose her from my life, I had never felt so strongly about someone and I haven't since, I still think about her every day.
We were friends for a bit, a week after we broke up though posts on FB started going up with C saying she was going to fuck her new boyfriends brains out when he gets home. I had to remove her from FB as that was brutal to see.
We eventually just drifted apart.
6 months later we got back in touch, spoke a lot, she told me that it was such a mistake losing me. I didn't know if she'd cheated on me or what the hell had happened, I couldn't understand how you could just up and leave someone the day after telling them how much they mean to you and you couldn't do without their support.
We talked, and stayed friends for a few months. We met up, had lunch and spent some time together. That night, we back-slid and had sex. This caused her the next day to freak out. Eventually I had to say that I can't keep going through this maybe maybe not. Either she wants me or let me move on with my life. I stopped speaking to her for 6 months again.
Roll on a bit and at Christmas, a drunk me sends her a message. We quickly start talking again, she tells me that the whole last year she was off the rails, never meant to hurt me. By this point, we both had other partners. We chatted a lot, too much maybe, and she said the only reason she had got with someone else was that she thought I wasn't interested any more. We talked more and more, got close again. We didn't meet up too soon incase it got wierd again. Then one day,b she stopped talking to me again, all of a sudden. She had a new BF by this point and once again on FB (I really need to delete that horrid app from my life. Causes more trouble than it's wroth) so I just kept quiet and left it, accepted she had moevd on and tried to do the same.
Fast forward to this summer, we start speaking again! She was still with him but we sort of started flirting (well, I took it as flirting...) she sent me a few pictures, we spoke a lot etc. Then he left her because he didn't want to cmmit (she said) so we got closer and eventually met up again. Told me how much she missed me etc. etc.
We kissed but after a minute she pulled away and told me to go to bed (I had gone round to hers for a drink with her and her friends). Nothing more than that, just kept saying go up to bed.
A week later, we talked about it. She told me she wanted too but she couldn't, didn't want to ruin what we had. I don't think I reacted very well, I felt like I had just kept being strung along for nearly 2 years. I was drunk and maybe said some things I shouldn't have which I can't even remember. Too drunk and dropped my phone in my drunkeness so lost all the messages.
She just told me that she didn't want me to speak to her again and to leave her. So I did.
Then 2 months later, she messaged me out of the blue asking how I was. We spoke a little but I was concious she asked me not to talk to her. She told me how much it hurt what I'd said and that I seemed emotionally unstalbe. Half way through the conversation, she just started ignoring me.
Now she has another new BF, he's another amazing guy (as FB says) but she has spoken to me a few times since. She told me that I was emotinally unstable after my bit of an outburst.
If you've skipped the innane rambling. I've tried to be there for her no matter what for nearly 2 years. Even after we broke up, she pohned me a few times when hse had a panic attack as someone to calm her down. We have a few moments where everything comes back to the surface but she seems to stop herself at the last (or just after) moment.
I've asked her several times, if you don't want to be with me just say, it's not a problem you just ahve to be honest. The only answer I ever get is "it just confuses me".
So my question is, what the hell is going on? Every so often, one of us will try to stop speaking to the other completely and after 3 or 4 months, one of us crumbles. It's happened 4 times now and just keeps repeating.
From my side, I'm just uncertain about puting myself out there in case she shoot me down again. I've never felt so strongly about anyone bfore or since and she plays on my mind every day. From a womans perspective, what is going on? Why does she keep asking em to stop speaking to her, then after a month or two, speaks to me again?
The back and forth is not healthy for me. I really just need to know if she does or doesn't want me as it seems to be this horrible limbo stage where we just can't break away, but can't get it together.
I've tried to not speak to her as she has a BF, I don't want to step on any toes and she seems happy, but every so often she still texts me for a chat.
Where do I go from here? I can't bring myself to be the one demanding we don't speak but this isn't healthy. I feel as if I'm holding back part of myself for her just in case we get back together, which is damaging any relationship I end up in. I get the impression she doesn't want to let me go completely, but maybe she thinks the same as me, doesn't want to try incase it doesn't work.
I'm in uncharted waters, I've nver had this before. Any previous break up was clean but none of them had the sort of feeling attached that this one did.
Thanks for any help, I can't seem to get any sensible advice anywhere. It's either my guy mates saying "she's a bitch, fuck it and move on mate" or getting told to man the fuck up. Advice from a womans perspective would be appreciated as the workings of your mind are a mystery to me. I've tried to break away, but we always just end up right back at the same place, as if neither of us can quite let go.
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Relationships
Can't seem to make the break
15 replies
DizzyStreak · 24/11/2014 16:02
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