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Should I say something to my SIL?

(12 Posts)
vanillawithaflake Mon 24-Nov-14 11:37:27

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

talbotinthesky Mon 24-Nov-14 11:53:42

SIL sounds very shallow, I'd point out the potential dangers of meeting strangers but after that I'd leave her to it. I doubt she will ever find true happiness with someone.

AMumInScotland Mon 24-Nov-14 11:56:46

I think you have to decide which aspects of this are 'fair' for comment.

If she is meeting people she has only spoken to online, then I think it's reasonable to make sure she has thought through the safety aspect of it.

It's also fair to make general comments about how you met DH, how your family and fiends met their partners, how happy various people are with the lovely chap they met at pottery class, etc. Just as a general point about the different ways people might meet someone and 'click'.

But I don't think it's up to either of you to tell her that she should develop a hobby, or should look for someone more similar to herself, because frankly it's nobody's business but her own what she's looking for or where she's looking. Even if you think her chances of success are low, it's her life to live as she chooses.

You risk sounding like another source of interference, just someone else telling her that they know better than she does. Just keep giving positive alternatives if the subject comes up, and leave her to reach her own conclusions.

Meerka Mon 24-Nov-14 12:47:35

You obviously like and care about her. I don't know, sounds like someone needs to inject a bit of reality into the situation.

If you don't think she'll get the terminal hump, then I'd go ahead and say something. it's her life to fuck up and grow old lonely in, but it'd be a pity if no one ever gently pointed out that the best thing relationship wise is someone you really like and respect (and vice versa).

vanillawithaflake Mon 24-Nov-14 13:21:49

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MonstrousRatbag Mon 24-Nov-14 14:44:21

I wouldn't talk to her about how to meet someone unless she brings up being single and asks for advice.

Sometimes, having an unrealistic condition like this (because self-declared millionaires on internet dating sites are all looking for 43 year-old women in thrall to their mothers, aren't they?) is just another way of making sure the thing you're supposed to want (marriage, kids) doesn't happen. In SIL's case, possibly because she is afraid of it, of leaving her mother, of intimacy, whatever, and in MIL's case perhaps because she doesn't want her daughter to leave her or wants validation through her daughter having a certain kind of life and relationship.

I was the single person who for years declared she wanted a relationship while doing nothing to make it happen and everything to sabotage the few chances that came my way. It took quite a crisis, 5 years and a lot of intervention before I sorted myself out. Once I'd done that, I met DH and settled down with him pretty quickly.

No amount of well-meant chats and advice from others really did any good though-the issues were far too hidden and fundamental for that.

Sorry, I know that's a massive projection on my part. I just wanted to put forward another possible interpretation of the situation.

Miggsie Mon 24-Nov-14 14:51:33

Trouble is rich men know they are rich - they know they are high status and can attract many women.
There are two problems for your SIL
The first is, society conditions most men to equate high status female as young and fit - is your SIL in this bracket? Can she look good hanging off a rich blokes arm?
Second, men who know they are high status tend to treat their women as an accessory and one they can replace when they grow tired of it.

Ok - these are generalisations but I suspect any man on a dating site boasting about his wealth won't be sensitive and loving, he'll be out for what he can get.

Realistically I don't think the MIL and SIL will change - but they can blame SIL singleness on the crapness of men (they were unworthy) thus relieving SIL from ever changing her world view.

MonstrousRatbag Mon 24-Nov-14 15:02:42

Well quite, Miggsie. If you 'commoditise' relationships like that you will only succeed if you have something of value to sell or barter-sex appeal in return for money, most usually.

AMumInScotland Mon 24-Nov-14 15:27:37

Even at the most positive, rich men know they are rich and worry about the kinds of women who are only interested in them for that, so they will be very careful about weeding out anyone who comes across as looking for a meal ticket.

So the nice rich ones are going to be keeping quiet about it on dating sites anyway, and hoping to hit it off with someone who appreciates their sense of humour and love of punk/cars/dogs/whatever before letting on that actually they are rolling in it.

loveareadingthanks Mon 24-Nov-14 15:32:13

I'd feel sorry for her, but keep out of it.

She's old enough to think for herself and not be swayed by MIL unless she wants to. She either doesn't really want a relationship, or she truly believes her checklist of wants is a reasonable expectation and intends to only be a golddigger. Her life, her issues. If she ends up old and lonely, that was her choice.

The trouble with saying anything is that it'll sound as if you are telling her she needs to 'settle'. It's an insulting idea, and she won't be able to take on your real message.

I suppose if you know any nice single men you could try and subtely get them together, invite them both to a group thing at your house, and see how they get on? She might learn a thing or two.

vanillawithaflake Mon 24-Nov-14 16:10:02

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

vanillawithaflake Mon 24-Nov-14 16:10:57

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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