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just been told by hb that my daughter is disrespectful because shes white!

(25 Posts)
Lambylostit Sun 23-Nov-14 11:45:31

I am married to my hb who is not british, i have 2 daughters 15 and 13yrs and 3yr old with hb.
i have come to terms my marriage is over and been trying to get him out! he wont leave!
He hasnt spoken a word to my eldest daughter for over 1 month after they had a row and this morning had a go at her for leaving something in the kitchen, the way he spoke to her upset her and she shouted at him that hes the adult why is he acting like a 5 yr old! i cant disagree with her cos shes right!
he just had a massive go at me and said i should defend him and the only reason she is like this is because shes white!! im so angry i need him gone now!
There is more too this, he is emotionally abusive and verbally very nasty dunno why im posting really need some wise words and strength to get him out!!!

Gobbolinothewitchscat Sun 23-Nov-14 11:48:41

You need legal advice. Do you own the house? Forget whose name is on the mortgage, that's not relevant. It's whose name is on the deeds.

If you own the house on your own, then you can get assistance to remove him. The same if you rent the house and the rental agreement is in your name only

If not, the situation is slightly more complicated but you need to get some advice. You can call women's aid for starters.

Hope this helps, it sounds horridly stressful

Lambylostit Sun 23-Nov-14 11:51:35

I already had legal advice about occupation orders etc. i own the house before i met him he has never paid 1p towards the mortgage.
Im tempted to call social services, im in a strong position but it really doesnt feel like it at the moment! xx

Lambylostit Sun 23-Nov-14 11:54:43

Anyone had support from.womens aid ? what they like x

AttilaTheMeerkat Sun 23-Nov-14 11:59:26

Did you act on the legal advice given to you?.

Solicitors rather than Social services (besides which what do you want Social Services to do?) would be of more use to you here as would Womens Aid.

PrettyPictures92 Sun 23-Nov-14 12:00:33

If you own the house and he's never paid a penny towards it then pack his stuff, kick him out and call the police if he won't leave. Change the locks etc

Lambylostit Sun 23-Nov-14 12:03:34

I honestly dont know what i want them to do i cant think straight atm. i didnt act on solicitors advice cos im scared on what he will do tbh he threatened to take my lb out the country and i dont trust him i know he will x thank you for your reply

Lambylostit Sun 23-Nov-14 12:05:14

pretty thats what i was going to do but was advised against it by solicitor do i didnt x

CogitoErgoSometimes Sun 23-Nov-14 12:10:24

a solicitor is duty bound to give you advice as to what is legal. To get shot of this type of man (lazy, selfish and sticky) you're going to have to skirt around the fringes of legal and probably employ a few dirty tricks.

Lambylostit Sun 23-Nov-14 12:12:04

i have recording of him threatening me and to beat the kids. i know this is going to get nasty and im not like that i would rather avoid it but he wont let that happen

HumblePieMonster Sun 23-Nov-14 12:12:11

pack his stuff, kick him out and call the police if he won't leave
solicitors, womens aid. then pack and kick.
with the solicitor, you need to raise the issue that your husband might try to take the younger child out of the country. you can get an order against it.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sun 23-Nov-14 12:19:03

Since there's aggression and threats, definitely talk to the police DV unit on 101 and also Women's Aid. Tell them you're asking him to leave and that you're frightened. If he becomes aggressive the police will be able act me quickly if they've already been warned.

Longtalljosie Sun 23-Nov-14 12:19:14

Where's your daughter's passport? Get it out of the house ASAP. Of course he can apply for a new one but you can get an order in place by then. I think you can also get a flag put on her name by the passport office as well.

PedantMarina Sun 23-Nov-14 12:23:04

Sorry, have to disagree with PPs. You say you're married, so, no matter whose name is on the deeds/mortgage, he will have some rights to live there/share in the proceeds. If you think he doesn't know about this, take your chances.

Generally speaking, the primary carer is the one who stays with the children, and the children tend to stay with the home. Even this isn't cut&dry, but it is a general trend.

A far more certain way to achieve a "twunt-free zone" is his abusiveness. Work with Women's Aid, log incidents with 101. Yes, this means ringing the police (non-emergency) (or emergency if things escalate to imminent danger). You have to be prepared to do it. Stop thinking of him as your husband. Start thinking of him as your abuser (and your daughters' abuser). Channel your tiger mamma.

Get your paperwork in order. Hide the passports (better still, get them off the premises, to a trusted friend), find and keep safe any bank information, important documents, get precious things (like photos and jewellery) to safety.

If you haven't already, stop doing things for him. No laundry, no food, absolutely no sex. He gets none of the advantages of "home".

PedantMarina Sun 23-Nov-14 12:25:25

Oh, wow, just read the update. Ring the police (101 or 999, as applicable) NOW.

Do it. Come back and update if you can, but that's not as urgent as you ringing the police NOW.

Lweji Sun 23-Nov-14 12:31:05

Do contact the police and then NCDV for help regarding non molestation orders. They are solicitors and can do urgent free applications.
If you are really worried, let him think it's all fine, find an excuse, leave the house with the children and don't come back until it's all sorted.
That's what I did with DS.

Lambylostit Sun 23-Nov-14 12:40:25

i will report to 101 and see what they say to get it logged. i have no worries about who the main carer is!
he has all the documents as he is preparing to put another visa application in april!

lem73 Sun 23-Nov-14 12:53:33

What documents does he have and what kind visa is he applying for? If you are no longer together do not let him use your marriage to help him get a visa. When my dh applied for his indefinite leave to remain and then nationality no one ever contacted me to see if we were still together.(not a problem as we are happily married) Therefore he can keep using you to stay here.
Don't underestimate what your ex to get back at you. Find out how you can prevent your child getting taken out of the country even if your ex has the passport. However stay cool and calm when dealing with him and don't let him know you are worried about what he may do. That will make him feel he has power over you. Meanwhile log all incidents and make friends, family, neighbours and schools are aware of the situation.
I'm sorry you are going through this.

DoItTooJulia Sun 23-Nov-14 13:02:07

Report her passport as missing. Officially. Do not apply for a new one.

You need real life advice and quickly. Proper advice. Pick up the phone to Womens aid today. Don't delay.

Secure any documents that you can.

You need a clear head. Have you got any family you can talk to?

Lambylostit Sun 23-Nov-14 13:08:14

he needs to apply for spouse visa as his current visa is due to.expire shortly. He keeps everything inc my wage slips.
I think hes hoping to see it out until then to use me for a visa.... he can think again

clam Sun 23-Nov-14 13:11:00

So does he have your child's passport?

Lweji Sun 23-Nov-14 13:20:40

It sounds like you should apply for divorce asap. With the threats you can get legal aid for abuse.
Any chance you can get at the documents?
Meanwhile, get a new bank account and prepare to transfer your salary if you have a joint current account.
WA will help you draw out a leaving plan.

Nomama Sun 23-Nov-14 14:31:07

And don't forget that visa thing... if he is just using you to get permanent residency he won't want to make any changes just now. You may have to be more forceful, determined and speedy!

lem73 Sun 23-Nov-14 15:48:00

You must report these passports as missing so you can get them cancelled. You must speak to the police for advice. He sounds scheming and controlling. Go to CAB and Women's Aid for advice about the visa. I think he has planned this for a long time and that's why he's kept these things in his possession.Even though if he got turned down for this visa btw, he'll appeal and appeal so informing the authorities is not a quick way of getting rid of him.

Lambylostit Sun 23-Nov-14 16:32:00

hes very controlling and manipulative and im worried hes going to make out its me! he always tells me im a bad mum with no control over my kids etc which i know is not true but when you are told something so much you begin to believe it!
teenagers are hard but they are good kids, and never in trouble the problem is him!

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