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What am I doing?

(14 Posts)
brokenhearted55a Thu 20-Nov-14 20:54:09

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HeartHasShattered Thu 20-Nov-14 20:58:51

Damage limitation.

If you can't have all of him, he can't hurt you as much.

brokenhearted55a Thu 20-Nov-14 21:01:08

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CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 21-Nov-14 05:46:39

Someone who is substandard can't disappoint you, can they? If you know they're already cheating, it's not a nasty surprise. Some people choose 'open relationships' on this basis. Others go for married/attached people. Psychologically, I would say it's all coming from the same place ie. creating emotional distance and selecting the unavailable out of fear of rejection.

brokenhearted55a Fri 21-Nov-14 07:48:34

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CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 21-Nov-14 08:29:43

Then, for the sake of your personal growth and self esteem, you have to let this one go. It won't be easy and it may take a few tries but, at the moment, you're on a fast-track to another crushing rejection experience and you really don't need that. Making mistakes is normal. Choosing bad partners out of loneliness is normal. Choosing the unavailable in an attempt to create emotional distance (like a FWB/OM/open relationship arrangement) but then developing feelings is depressingly normal.

If you end the relationship, however, you'll be in charge and the one doing the rejecting. You will have learned from the mistake and asserted yourself. You will value yourself a little more.

brokenhearted55a Fri 21-Nov-14 09:33:10

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CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 21-Nov-14 09:42:02

Because you don't think you deserve better, perhaps? Because you're desperate for affection, however imperfect? Was it you that was involved with a MM earlier this year or am I thinking of someone else?

brokenhearted55a Fri 21-Nov-14 09:57:47

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CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 21-Nov-14 10:03:12

Apologies... I must have been thinking of someone else. You probably don't want this insensitive man, really. I think you're lonely and you want some human company, a bit of affection and you've rationalised it that it's 'casual' (which it may be for him, but isn't for you) and you're settling for it being better than nothing. Old flames are a bit of a short-cut... you know what you're getting to some extent. Finding someone completely new and setting a higher standard is a bit more like hard work.

brokenhearted55a Fri 21-Nov-14 10:16:59

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CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 21-Nov-14 10:19:24

If you can see it's going nowhere, or worse, then finish it rather than waiting for it to go really badly wrong. He's fulfilled a need of sorts, no harm done and you can walk away with a bit of dignity and start fresh

brokenhearted55a Fri 21-Nov-14 10:41:45

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GoatsDoRoam Fri 21-Nov-14 11:14:35

No, that last message is just fantasy, OP.

"It could go somewhere if he gave it a chance"
Well, he's not. And what he does is not within your control. And waiting around for him to change will only cause you misery. All you can do is accept this casual sex-based relationship for what it is, or end it so you can look for another kind of relationship. But casual sex-based relationship is what this particular man is offering you.

"the physical chemistry is awesome"
This is lust. Not love or mutual respect. Lust. It's not a base for a stable and healthy relationship. Sure, it's heady and addictive. That doesn't mean it's worth pursuing, and it definitely doesn't mean it will turn into something more.

"Maybe if..."
Don't look at maybes. Look at what is. What do you see?

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