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positive/encouraging thread for those newly split/nearly divorced

(18 Posts)
Outtaideas Mon 17-Nov-14 16:22:44

I filed divorce proceedings a little over a year ago after calling time on my marriage of 15 years, took us ages to sell the house so things have rumbled on.

It's been fairly amicable STBXH now in rental or staying at his GF's and I'm in my lovely new moneypit house but.... I'm missing the DC when they are with STBXH in the week and after feeling positive and upbeat all summer it's suddenly dark and gloomy of an evening, Christmas in two homes for the DC looms and I'm feeling skint and have burst into tears the past week more than I have for ages. Nostalgia for the life I knew as an intact family unit seems to be getting in the way of rational thought.

Would love to have some of those out the other side of the divorce/split rollercoaster with positive stories of how life is better, they are happier and the DC's are doing fine etc.

ConfusedNC Mon 17-Nov-14 17:46:11

Yeah me too. It's dark nights / xmas coming. Been v weepy lately, though only few months in for me.

Positive stories would be good!

WellWhoKnew Mon 17-Nov-14 17:54:56

Yes good idea!

Still mooching around waiting for the divorce to end...and need inspiring.

ConfusedNC Mon 17-Nov-14 18:11:16

Waves at well.

Will catch up on yr thread in meantime flowers

PenelopeGarciasCrazyHair Mon 17-Nov-14 18:42:59

I'm three years on, still not quite divorced, but have a lovely dp of 2.5 years who has just cooked me a delicious meal (something XH may have possibly done twice in 14 years!) and looking forward to our two Christmases, one together with all our DCs and then the actual day which we spend apart with the exes and our own DCs.

At the time it really seemed like the end of the world, despite all the problems that had led up to our separation (no OW or OM) but I see now that it was the beginning of an amazing chapter of my life and I've never been happier.

The DCs are all happy and settled (lucky we were able to stay in our home) and although they do get annoyed at having to move their lives back and forth once a week, they now get to spend some 'quality time' with their dad, who would otherwise have nodded in their direction on his way in from work and then hidden out in his office/the garage/nose in his laptop until they went to bed.

I honestly wish I'd made the leap years ago and I'm looking forward to getting the divorce finalised soon so that I can really move on mentally.

I know I've been lucky compared to some people, ex pays decent maintenance and has the DCs once a week, which has really helped and I was lucky enough to meet an amazing man shortly after separating, but even not having to put up with XH's demands and snidey comments is bliss!

Handywoman Mon 17-Nov-14 19:17:42

Nearly 18 months separated from my second rate stbxh. No OM or OW for us either, just low level ea and couldn't step up to fatherhood and family life.

Life is far from perfect, the kids (esp the youngest who is on the spectrum) sometimes moan about shifting between home and Dad's (he is crap and hasn't even bought them a toothbrush or PJ's at his flat) I can't bear to look at the idiot but we do very functional doorstep handovers. We have remained in the family home and ex pays regular maintenance.

I feel like I've entered a new and wonderful chapter in my life. I feel truly liberated and finally able to grow and be true to myself. I've had counselling for the past six months and have never been happier.

I've also somehow met the most wonderful man, a man who is so much more 'me' and who sees me for who I am and respects me and gives so much. I feel able (partly due to counselling) to be a different Handywoman in relationships now.

I am looking forward to 2 Xmases: one with my kids and one which involves oodles of adult, luxurious decadent, romantic, fun and R&R. Plus we have some great trips lined up for the new year.

avocadogreen Mon 17-Nov-14 20:00:01

Can I join you... separated from exH 8 months ago after he came home from a work night out with a lovebite and I discovered he was having an affair. I'm doing pretty well all things considered- new job, kids are happy, finally feeling financially secure after sorting out tax credits etc. But just had a major setback as the new man in my life, who I had been dating for 5 months, suddenly decided last week that life with kids isn't for him after all.

Trying to look at the positives- 5 months with a new relationship certainly helped me get over exH and we had lots of fun times together. We will probably still be friends. Also this time I ended it rather than letting things drag on while he 'thought things through' - a mistake I made with exH. But I'm still feeling rather fragile and lonely, and sometimes overwhelmed by the responsibility of it all.

ConfusedNC Mon 17-Nov-14 20:08:14

Avocado I think you're brave. We separated 4 months ago. I've no idea how I'll ever meet someone else let alone have the confidence. Sorry it's not worked out but you sound very strong and clear.

avocadogreen Mon 17-Nov-14 20:55:58

Confused it will get easier. I actually feel much stronger and more confident in myself since splitting from exH. As he was the main breadwinner exH always used to make me feel guilty for spending money on clothes, things for the house etc. Since he's gone I've gradually bought bits and pieces- a retro vase, a nice print for the wall, pretty flowery tea towels etc to make the house feel more like 'me' iyswim. And I felt very justified in buying new clothes after losing 1.5 stone in the aftermath of the split! There's also something freeing about being totally in control with the kids, noone to answer to.

In hindsight I think I met someone else too soon and it was a bit of a rebound thing. I do miss him though...things like a good morning text are lovely. And I miss the kissing!! I mean the sex was good too, but oh, the snogging... After 15 years with exH we barely kissed, not properly. I'd forgotten how good those long passionate kisses with someone new are must stop thinking about ex boyfriend sad

greenberet Mon 17-Nov-14 20:56:47

hi i need this too - separated 4 months but problems since start of year - OW involved who DH employs in own business. Im a SAHM. Got second mediation session next week and will find out if home needs to be sold & whether kids can stay at current school. DH being controllling and so many continuing lies. He tells me i need to move on. Id love to be able to move on but still clearing up the mess hes left behind emotionally & physically and dont think kids could cope with me getting involved with someone else even if I felt ready too which I dont.

Dont like the winter either and trying to be motivated for xmas - last year was hard enough as DH announced his bombshell just before xmas.

would love this emotional rollercoaster to end - finding letting go really hard after 20 yrs even though think there has been low level emotional abuse through most of this but plenty of good times too. DH had classic mid life crisis - ditched his old life for something new & shiny! didnt want to discuss anything just up & left. He doesnt see the damage he is doing to the kids thinks its me twisting things.

I know there is a new life out there just so hard getting there- and great to hear from others out the other side

ConfusedNC Mon 17-Nov-14 21:05:14

flowers greenberet so many similar stories. It's not that I want ex back. Just mourning the life I thought we were going to make and the time I feel wasted.

The positive is that in midst of crisis I got great job which I love and has honestly saved me. You're right. There is new life out there. Just transition is hard.

Munchkin08 Mon 17-Nov-14 22:57:49

Hi I split from my ex 3 years ago, met someone last year who was lovely - however it only lasted 7 months he was going through a messy divorce so split - no hard feelings.

Generally things are much better - no one to answer to, the kids are more relaxed. It lovely to hear some positive stories.

greenberet Sat 29-Nov-14 15:11:58

HI confused just wondered how you're doing - im at the stage you were at a few weeks ago -seem to be crying a lot now and feeling pretty down - i guess its xmas approaching - just have this empty feeling a lot of the time and still cant beleive whats happening. I seem worse when I have kids as no longer doing things as part of a family and know hes off with OW doing things with her that I thought we would be doing in a few years time. Its the feeling of rejection that seems to be getting to me - the initial drama has died down and things are a bit more "settled" although still a long way to go as no resolution to anything.

could do with a bit of what you had avocado 20 years married here - it must be great to feel wanted but it just seems so far off where I'm at - but to loose yourself in something new & exciting must be a great boost to the confidence.

ive read so much on narcisstic personalities so understand why hes just cut me dead but it still hurts.

Mrscaindingle Sat 29-Nov-14 16:53:00

I too am feeling a bit low and trapped by my circumstances.

18 months following split for me after 19 years together, there was an OW and ex remained abroad where he had been working. My DC have taken it hard and while we are all doing much better and its much less raw I can't seem to let go of some of my anger around the lies and deceit and bitterness at being left to do every bloody thing with very little time to myself.

I recognise the roller coaster of emotions greenberet describes, sounds like me this time last year. Does anyone else feel their ex has become a completely different person? Mine doesn't even sound the same having adopted a slight mid Atlantic drawl, despite being in the far east confused and sends topless selfies and pictures of his crotch to his GF. He is now on his second relationship and I look at him and think who the hell are you?

I have made some fab female friends however and that I think saved me, having a new social circle that ex has never been part of was good in helping me move on and I had neglected that part of my life with ex. Will never make that mistake again.

I think I will be ready to try OD next year but am also a bit nervous about it.

Arlagirl Sat 29-Nov-14 16:59:44

Well I told h I didn't love him in September and the divorce should be through in February!wink
All very amicable ATM....we've worked out a generous settlement, we are getting on so much better now as neither of us were happy. No rowing, snide remarks....
We are not telling the children till June as they have big exams in May, and we want to keep things stable. He will move out over the summer but I am staying for another two years in the home.
I am getting excited about the future.

greenberet Sat 29-Nov-14 21:08:48

yes Mrsc don't recognise my DH at all - although am wondering if it was a case of he has always been like this but the circumstances now make it more apparent. My DC are struggling too - both in teens one doesnt want to talk about anything at all - the other up & down - but DH doesn't acknowledge any part in this. Yes I am having to deal with everything to from the outstanding jobs on the house to the angry & verbal emotional outbursts from my DS. even my solicitor has said she doesn't know which planet he is on. I'm embracing the opportunity to increase social activity too and normally love this time of year but finding it extremely hard.

chamade you are so lucky - cant even imagine what an amicable divorce is like - my counsellor can't beleive the amount of drama there seems to be week after week and all of it is totally unnecessary. Hope your plan goes well.

middleeasternpromise Sun 30-Nov-14 11:29:11

I would share that even the most messy splits do settle after time but it can take a while. I split from XH 7 years ago now but the first 3-4 yrs were constant problematic behaviour, using the kids contact to monitor my movements; texting all the time when they were with him with inane rubbish just to keep the contact up.

Met a really nice guy in that time but the constant hassel from ex took its toll; he actually went back to his wife having been divorced 2.5 yrs (I can pick em)

Anyway XH finally moved overseas and life has never been better - see him twice a year 3 times tops. The kids used to complain about weekends away as their dad was always making promises he couldn't keep and shouting at them when they reminded him no more of that now. Ive got some long yrs ahead of me - sole provider and all that but its hugely preferable to what I lived with and I make sure I please myself on my own time.

ConfusedNC Sun 30-Nov-14 22:42:07

Hi

Thanks for asking greenberet. It's sad but means a lot when people care to ask, as my confidence just so low. I've had my best friend here for wknd which has been massive help. I've been laid low with virus for weeks so it's been hard to keep chin up.

Mrsc snap. No idea who xhtb is trying to be. All weight loss and teeth whitening atm!He's got ow going round to our house overnight now. He doesn't know I know about her. Neighbours told me and seen fb stuff.

It's the injustice of me and ds being pushed out of our home which eats at me. Need to get onto solicitors this week.

Mil has been in town this wknd. I never wanted to see her again but there she was still sticking the knife in. You'd think I'd left him, cheated on him, made him homeless by way she carries on. Unbelievable.

Feel strangely peacefull tonight though. Just that possibly I realise that I can disengage from their nasty nonsense. I will have more time in my life for good loving friends and my lovely job. Ds is only 3. Totally unprompted said I'm glad to be back and I love you when got home!

Got to focus on positive and not nasty negative crap. Just too much effort!

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