Talk

Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Mid life crisis or depression?

(7 Posts)
AiryFairy9 Sun 16-Nov-14 18:25:53

I'm new but have read one or two postings regarding mid life depression. I appear to have found myself in exactly this situation. DH appears to be in the throes of some sort of crisis. I was aware work had been weighing him down, but he seemed to be coping - sometimes grumpy/short, nothing major. He's always been v easy going, laid back. The last year has turned into a nightmare, he has been verbally aggressive to me in public on a few occasions (after drinking), in the summer told me he no longer loved me, had felt like this for over 3 years (or even longer), he deserves better. He has virtually no social life, so I am sure there has not been a physical affair but I feel convinced had the opportunity presented itself...
We had a few counselling sessions, but he was reluctant to attend jointly. The sessions he attended alone, he gave me 'misinformation', saying the counsellor had said our relationship was the cause of his depression or it was my 'issues' that needed addressing - & were the root of any problems. The counsellor has said this was not correct, but mentally I feel so low that he wants/is hurting me.
I feel clueless that I did not realise what was happening. A member of his family has since said they thought he had a small nervous breakdown before I met him (?!) & that they knew work was an issue for a year or so.. I had a bad end to last year after my father's death & now feel once I needed his help & was unable to keep it together the whole house of cards has come tumbling down.
I don't know what to do, our children have seen their parents transform into 2 people who are just keeping their heads above water. Emotionally I'm on my knees, the shock of rejection from someone I haven't doubted during this difficult year. I don't know whether I should stay or go, he's oblivious to the children (in the main - I have been at home whilst they were young) I keep crying all over the place & when not busy dwell on the last few years trying to pinpoint what signs I missed. He says he will go to the G.P or back to counselling but doesn't, he won't see a solicitor (thought might shock him into 'trying') as he says he doesn't want to separate, so I feel we are stuck going in circles.
Any ideas anybody? Thanks for your time

holeinmyheart Sun 16-Nov-14 20:00:09

First of all I think you need to deal with you. You need help to stop crying. So you need to go to your GP and get treatment for depression. Being depressed makes every problem look unsurmountable. Concentrate on getting mentally stronger.
Then you can tackle your relationship with him. Just concentrate meanwhile on being nice and kind to him. Stop discussing ' the problem'. Whats the point if at the moment you just go round and round in circles. It just exhausts you. Save your strength for feeling better.
Plan some nights out, try and have something to look forward to. Do something positive that you know makes you laugh or cheers you up. Exercise, horrible as it is, it lifts your mood, relaxes your body and does you good.
It will not be easy, but then life isn't easy. Take a small step at a time.
Xxx

PaisleySheets Sun 16-Nov-14 20:03:53

I am one of those on another thread. I can;t say my situation was similar as he was lovely to me until the day he left but after he did he just changed into a really nasty cold person that was unrecognisable from my lovely H. He was severely depressed and got much worse after he left. It took two years for him to start to feel better and he says he is still on the path to health so it's not a quick fix. I think men find it very hard to talk about. Anyway, I am so sorry you are going through this......being rejected and spoken to badly like that is so soul destroying xxx

TheLittleOneSaidRollOver Sun 16-Nov-14 20:11:23

He is mistreating you, not seeking help, making you feel like shit but also saying he doesn't want to split up.

Or to put it another way, he wants you to just put up with his bad behaviour for as long as he wants to behave badly.

Perhaps you should see the solicitor. Perhaps you should ask him to move out until he is ready to behave decently towards you. Perhaps that will either shock him into sorting himself out or will save you from being dragged further down with him if he is not prepared to change.

AiryFairy9 Sun 16-Nov-14 20:40:13

Thanks, seen my GP he said to keep going! Paisley I know what you mean DH was (so I thought) easy going, we didn't argue, used to sit & chat, go away for week ends & days out together without the kids. Friends are stunned. If anyone would have said this would happen I'd have laughed! 20 years together. He's 50 in a couple of weeks - daren't book anything as 2 weeks ago he bought me flowers, chocs & wine said he wanted to make it up, next day I booked & paid for a weeks holiday that he chose. We arrived, he didn't speak to me for 4 days, slept in a spare bedroom. I came home 2 days early with all the kids.
I thought I was stronger than this emotionally. Ive read some amazing posts on here that really gave me hope for the future.
I did visit a solicitor - she said I probably needed more time before acting. Thanks tho I know you're right & on a day to day basis I've got to get myself together.

BobbyDazzler1 Sun 16-Nov-14 21:56:43

Poor you. What an utter nightmare time flowers
You both sound depressed tbh. You both need to get well so you approach a resolution.
Drastic measures are required if you want to find a solution and for the children.
It sounds like your husband has had another breakdown caused by the pressures of work. Could he change this? Find other work?
If he doesn't want to separate then he has to meet you half way and actually get help - go to the GP/counsellor and get help.
There's no reason why, with time and effort, he couldn't return to the easy natured person he once was.
This situation is not beyond repair but I think it feels that way to both of you because you're not strong mentally. You need to take steps to sort this out.
All the very best xxxx

BobbyDazzler1 Sun 16-Nov-14 22:00:51

Sorry just read you've been to GP. Ummm 'keep going'....can you keep going or do you need some help to see you through? If you feel it's the latter go see another GP. Crying all the time doesn't sound like you're very well tbh. I've been there and I found mild anti depressants, for a fixed time, were what I needed to help me through. We're all different though....

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now