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Does your DH listen to you?

(17 Posts)
Hobby2014 Wed 12-Nov-14 10:30:57

OH, DW, DP etc etc
Do they listen to you?
Reply to you?
Engage in conversation with you about topics other than what they want to talk about?

I can say something to him, and he'll look at me as if he's going to reply, but doesn't, either totally ignores and goes back to what he was doing, or will say something that has nothing to do with what I said.
When he does reply, I'll mention it later and he won't know what I'm talking about and we have to have the conversation again.
It's driving me mad. I'm now trying to not talk unless it's worthy of a conversation as he's said I talk too much and that's why he doesn't listen. Or thinks I'm talking to the baby, so I'm just zoned out to him now. Yet sometimes I'll say something, he'll ask me to repeat, so I do, and then he ignores me anyway.
This isn't all the time, but feels like a good proportion of the time. It's just so annoying / upsetting / a bit pathetic when I feel like I can't have a conversation with my own DH..

daisychain01 Wed 12-Nov-14 11:28:11

he's said I talk too much and that's why he doesn't listen

This rang a bell with me, hobby ....

I have to admit that my DP has said in the past that I'm self-opinionated ( blush he has a point - I have an opinion about absolutely everything! blame MN for that!) - I have been guilty of talking too much (my excuse is that I'm interested in just about everything in life!). He felt drowned out, so he zoned out sometimes.

I've learned to pick the right moment if I want a meaningful conversation (when he isn't cooking the dinner, or we are working on other things) - I have learned to hold back and allow him to speak (rather than it just being a Daisychain monologue) - that has helped our conversation flow a lot.

It sounds from your OP that maybe you both need to go back to the basics of conversation and not do a 'blame-game' as to who is right or wrong, but talk about how you communication, what he likes/doesn't like, what you need/what he needs, just as DP and I had to do. It has helped our relationship a lot, we are still learning and making mistakes smile

Don't write him off as a lost cause! He may have a point.

MakeMeWarmThisWinter Wed 12-Nov-14 11:29:17

He sounds emotionally abusive tbh, he's messing with your head sad

Longdistance Wed 12-Nov-14 11:35:34

No. My dh doesn't listen to me. I don't talk that much, but if I talk about something important, then dh doesn't say much and changes the subject.
Then he asks about the important subject I've talked about, but have already told him about it hmm

AliceDoesntLiveHereAnymore Wed 12-Nov-14 11:37:20

I'm now trying to not talk unless it's worthy of a conversation as he's said I talk too much and that's why he doesn't listen.

It sounds more like you're trying not to talk unless HE thinks it's worthy of a conversation. hmm If you deem it to be worthy of a conversation, then surely it's worthy. confused I'll be if you told him that he talked too much and he needed to "not talk unless it was worthy of a converation" that he would be less than happy. hmm

saintsandpoets Wed 12-Nov-14 11:42:11

Of course my DH does, we are equals in everyway. We like listening to one another, and enjoy each other's opinions, even if we don't agree. That's why we got together in the first place.

Why are you with this man?

Lweji Wed 12-Nov-14 11:46:16

I've just read an interesting article about this sort of thing.
Couples who do engage and reply when the other speaks have a better chance of staying together longer term.

My exH was like that. He'd often not reply to me but demanded to be heard, even if I was for example engaged in reading DS a book.
Not surprising that he's an ex.

thisisnow Wed 12-Nov-14 11:52:28

Yes my OH listens to me, I don't know if I listen to him though. He is like the woman in the relationship he talks so much! grin

Joysmum Wed 12-Nov-14 11:54:30

I wouldn't be in a marriage where I was being 'zoned out' or was zoning out my DH.

If it couldn't be fixed I'd be out of it.

dadwood Wed 12-Nov-14 12:02:45

My DW and I make a very conscious effort to listen to each other and that's one of the best things about our relationship. It means we know a lot about each other's current states and feelings.

It's very hard however in our fairly stressful life, to get any time to talk at length without distraction, it means we can get a bit out of phase because there hasn't been the opportunity to catch up.

Neither of us can concentrate over the background noise of parenting which means critical conversations get pushed to very late evening when we, particularly DW is tired. I think this is unavoidable at the moment.

I would not want to be in a relationship without good communication in general, and I am very grateful that I have it in my marriage.

Lweji Wed 12-Nov-14 12:58:49

Ah, yes, it was from this thread

Hobby2014 Wed 12-Nov-14 13:20:58

Thank you everyone.
He's mostly lovely, this just makes me feel invisible or I think that he thinks I'm really boring.
That article seems very interesting Lweji. Thank you. I've skim read it and book marked it, am going to have a proper read later. He's the same with good news/something I'm excited about, he sort of knocks it down. So you can be on top of the world then in a flash you're knocked back down to the ground. All because of something he says.
Don't know what that means for us then. Thing is, he can natter on for ages when he gets in about things I have no clue about, but I ask questions and try to understand and take it in. then on another day can say oh how did that thing go today, or oh is that the same person who did this last week. I listen. I take interest.

Lweji Wed 12-Nov-14 13:45:38

It sounds very one sided. sad

Hobby2014 Wed 12-Nov-14 13:51:31

I think I need to show him the article.
I read the comments on the thread and a few people said they now ignore their partners because they ignore them. That's been me for the last few days, which is not healthy.

GoatsDoRoam Wed 12-Nov-14 14:53:46

I don't think it's necessarily "unhealthy", Hobby.

It sounds more like you got tired of doing all of the emotional care-taking in this relationship, and not getting any back from him. Sounds to me like a healthy realisation that yours is not an equal relationship in that respect.

daisychain01 Thu 13-Nov-14 04:34:29

hobby have you tried having a proper conversation about the communication in your relationship?

Seems like you have been unhappy about his manner and attitude towards you but it may be worth you finding an appropriate time to talk about the whole situation.

People just labelling your DH as "abusive" are jumping the gun a bit!

It's great if people's relationships are so perfect, equal in every way etc, but relationships need maintenance IME, it doesn't happen by magic. And some people don't have good communication skills, maybe from their background or whatever.

LoveBeingStartingANewLife Thu 13-Nov-14 05:51:08

Yes my Dh was like this and I have now left him. Not over this issue there were big things however it certainly made me feel he didn't respect me or have the time to give me any attention. Like nothing I could say would possibly be interesting.

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