Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Ex staying in contact

(8 Posts)
jakesmith Mon 10-Nov-14 12:51:06

My friend split up with his ex, he has ended it about 5 times in the 3.5 years they were together and she always pleaded with him to stay. He's a very caring person & can be weak, I think he struggled with the guilt at upsetting someone so he gave it another go time and time again but recently he's accepted that it will never work and left her.

She is controlling and rarely let him out the house to see friends, she went through his texts etc. He's now left her & got his own place but she keeps calling him and asking him to go and see her which he does although I am certain that nothing sexual is occurring.

He feels like it's helping her to see her as it isn't so harsh on her to cut off contact, but I think it's unfair on both of them as he's doing it to feel less guilty but it's not really helping her come to terms with the break up & get on with her life.

Obviously it's none of my business but I thought it might be worth getting some other opinions on how healthy or normal it is to continue hanging out and staying in contact so soon after a split. My concern is that she thinks that she will win him back and that he is actually misleading her, and giving false hope, also that she is not respecting his decision or feelings that he ended it with her and she can't let go of him.

It's not my place to get involved but I am interested in other's views and experiences on this type of situation

GoatsDoRoam Mon 10-Nov-14 13:04:54

she keeps calling him and asking him to go and see her which he does

Therein lies his problem. He can choose not to go, yet he does. He is still completely enmeshed, and until he realises that he can cut ties, ignore her messages, etc, their dysfunctional dance will continue.

jakesmith Mon 10-Nov-14 13:19:30

Do you think it's helping her deal with the breakup that he keeps agreeing to see her? I'm not sure.

JeanSeberg Mon 10-Nov-14 13:25:42

No it's not helping her at all to keep seeing him. As you say, she's probably hoping he'll change his mind. Again.

You need to advise your friend to cut all contact (assuming they don't have children together).

GoatsDoRoam Mon 10-Nov-14 13:27:37

The only thing it's doing is keeping both of them involved with each other at a time when the healthy thing to do is move on.

jakesmith Mon 10-Nov-14 16:52:14

Thanks... any more?

Spickle Mon 10-Nov-14 17:12:07

Definitely he needs to cut contact. It may seem cruel but it is prolonging the agony and that's not fair on either of them. She will be devastated but she will not be able to move on with her life until she accepts that this relationship has no future. Sorry to be so blunt but I have experienced this and now I look back and realise I should have just let it go in the beginning.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Mon 10-Nov-14 17:18:06

Why reward someone’s possessive, controllng behaviour in a 5 year on/off relationship with his friendship? His notion of friends' positive qualities must be very dfferent to mine and I suspect to yours.

They might as well have stayed a couple if she clicks her fingers and he goes running. I can only guess part of him doesn't want to be the bad guy in rejecting her, so he won't move on and away.

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, watch threads, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now »

Already registered? Log in with: