I just want to write it all down, so I can read it again when I need. Today is my birthday, drank too much yesterday, in front of the DC, feel like shit today, etc etc.
I've been thinking about stopping completely for a while, since I can't seem to have a sensible relationship with alcohol. And now may be the right time.
I don't want to forget how crap I'm feeling now. I know I'll forget eventually, but I really don't want to feel like that again,. I'm feeling out of control, I'm ashamed, I'm giving a horrible example to DC (I'm ashamed that DS1 saw me drunk). DH is angry. Parts of last night were a blur, and I was responsible for 2 children! (DH was with me, otherwise I wouldn't be that drunk but that doesn't make it less serious)
I'm not ashamed to say that I have a drinking problem. I don't hide it, and I don't make excuses. More friends than I would like have seen me drunk. It's pathetic but that's what happens when you have a problem. But DS1 seeing it was crossing the line.
Stop drinking will get me closer to be the person I want to be (sorry for the self obsessed huge post, but I'm trying to organise my thoughts here). I'm 36 today, I would like to start my late 30s with:
- more control of my life
- more energy
- feeling that, when I do something wrong or I feel overwhelmed or I forget things, that's because I'm tired, not because I drank more than I should.
- more money (have been spending too much on wine)
- being a better example to DC
- feeling better about myself
I've done difficult things before, I can do that, right?
People who have been through that, can you tell me what I should prepare for? Being practical:
- I don't like sweet drinks or juice with food, so the only thing I can drink with my meals is sparkling water. Or tea, which I couldn't get used to. So, I need to find interesting drinks that I not sweet (and are not beer or wine)
- What do I do when I go to a party or an event and I'm feeling stressed, tense, tired, shy or whatever and I feel I need a drink to relax? How people deal with that?
- The same at the end of the day (every day). I drink a glass (or more) of wine to relax and as a "well done" to myself. Should I watch a film instead? Eat chocolate? Have a bath?
Is there are other triggers I should be aware of?
Should I reward myself for any milestone?
I so want to do it. But that's now. I know I will much less sure when I'm not hung over anymore, or when I'm tired and the wine calls me. I wish I could press a button and feel hungover and ashamed again for a couple of minutes, just to remind me!
PS: I'm considering going to AA. Not sure I'm ready for that, but I'll find out where are the meetings near me.
If anyone could read this far, thank you very much! I appreciate any help.