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I need to separate but I am still in love with DH

(22 Posts)
NotAtHome Sun 09-Nov-14 19:52:47

I can't cope anymore. I have been trying to tell DH how unhappy I am with our circumstances and him for ages (years, really). He tells me he will change but doesn't.

He inherited our house - it's where he works (think similar to farming). Over the last four years, I have grown to hate it. The house is freezing and decaying and depressing. It is literally falling apart and I often find it hard to sleep because it is so cold. I am embarrassed about having people over. My DC love the space (rural), they're pretty hardy and like that FiL lived here before us etc.

DH has depression and is not at all productive. Nothing gets done unless I suggest it and I have to say it over and over. We row about every three months after he's not done something crucial. Meanwhile, I have worked my arse off for our finances. I change, evolve and try to find solutions but he stays the same. He's a bit 'helpless'. I've tried everything: anger, praise, support, standing back, spoon feeding - nothing works. It's like dealing with an alcoholic - he's a fuck-all-doing-aholic. He DOES do stuff with the DC, but never anything motivated or new - I have to suggest that.

Anyway, I'm sick of it all and just want to run away with the DC. He says he doesn't want to leave the house. I HATE the house. And I'm really close to hating him.

But I don't actually hate him completely (yet) and I am just feeling so fucking sad about it all. We used to get on so, so well. We have a lot of fun when we're away from here. I know I love him. It's just he wants to be here and I don't. But now I feel like I don't want him to come with me when I go.

starlight1234 Sun 09-Nov-14 19:56:31

Have you thought about counselling?

I hate been cold so understand how miserable it can make you. Is there anything you can do to make house warmer ( that is affordable)

Are you eligible for the insulation grant?

FelicityGubbins Sun 09-Nov-14 19:58:34

Why can't you do it? Presumably you have 2 arms and can wallpaper/fix leaky tap/etc..
I know that you have children and probably work full time too but that doesn't mean you have to sit there all helpless in a shithole

NotAtHome Sun 09-Nov-14 20:22:36

Felicity, I don't sit here helpless - that's what makes me so mad.

I work and clean and tidy and buy hot water bottles and organise for the loft to be insulated (done) and get quotes for the windows to be done (not done) or a new carpet or whatever. He won't spend on them, or if fixing things is too expensive (which it often is), he won't help me with budgeting or money ideas or whatever, to get the cash. And in case I've goven the impression that what's needed is a DIY job, it isn't. Tens of thousands of pounds are needed to make this place nice. And I don't mean Naice, I mean warm, with hot water and functioning bathroom.

Patrickstarisabadbellend Sun 09-Nov-14 20:26:03

Take the dc and leave for the night. Leave a note explaining why.

If he doesn't shit himself and get things sorted ASAP you will know if you're flogging a dead horse.

NotAtHome Sun 09-Nov-14 20:31:53

Patrick, he's gone tonight. We had a row - though not much of one - and he said he was going for the night but would be back and take DC to school. Not sure where he's gone, probably to FiL's house.

It is so sad. We are great mates. But I can't stay here and he doesn't want to leave. And the place is just so endlessly full of tasks for me to do - business tasks, house tasks, DC tasks, social tasks - and he won't do his. If something is on his list of responsibilities (short) it also has to be on mine (long list) because he won't do it. When something absolutely has to be done by him (i.e. I can't just send an email from his account) it doesn't get done. I can ignore it, or sob and cry and plead, and he still won't do it.

NotAtHome Sun 09-Nov-14 20:34:17

Starlight - I got the grant smile and it's in. I have thought about counselling. He said he'd organise it (so it doesn't clash/interfere with his other counselling) but he hasn't done it.

flanjabelle Sun 09-Nov-14 20:37:12

That sounds like a miserable life to live op I'm not surprised you have had enough. Unfortunately you can't decide his actions, you can only decide your own. If he is not willing to make a change to make your life. happier then you are going to have to make your own changes. It sounds like you have tried and tried to tell him what you need and he isn't willing or able to give it to you.

I think it's time to move on.

NotAtHome Sun 09-Nov-14 20:41:43

The problem with moving on is I know I am always going to hope he can change.

I find it so hard to understand WHY he can't make a phonecall or write a thank you letter or just DEAL WITH X issue. He doesn't answer people's texts or invitations. And then I hear him doing these little lies about why he hasn't and it makes me so fucking mad and I want to scream GROW UP and sometimes I do and then he just tells me it's hard for him. Y'know because he has depression.

Quitelikely Sun 09-Nov-14 20:55:36

If he is depressed then he has a responsibility towards you and the dc to get it treated. Is he on medication? If yes it sounds like he needs a change because the current one isn't working.

Can you afford to live somewhere else? Do you have the cash to renovate your current place?

If not, can't you take a months holiday let in the area that you live? At least you will be warm and have hot water for the winter months

NotAtHome Sun 09-Nov-14 21:34:49

We don't have the money to renovate, although I have suggested ways to get it (sell things/remortgage etc). I think he would say no to moving out for reasons of security (the house attracts dodgy people, rural but close to fast roads, etc) while our stuff is here. But, ultimately, he just won't go.

Isetan Sun 09-Nov-14 23:47:59

Delegating responsibility to someone who doesn't take responsibility is crazy. He's comfortable with the status quo and you're not, which means if you want different, you're going to have to do different.

It's time you disengagie from your H before the resentment consumes you and start planning for a future away from your current location, because your H won't.


Hoping he'll be someone different is futile and the resentment that comes with diminished hope

NotAtHome Mon 10-Nov-14 14:11:41

I know. It's just that now I am at the end of my tether all the resources I might have had before have vanished. I'm spending my time crying or eating. I have no decision making powers and don't know where to go or what to do. I've looked for something to rent nearby the DCs school but there's only a one bed flat in out area. That's it.

I feel flattened by it all and wish I had someone to boss me about and tell me what to do and how to do it. It's all so downbeat isn't it? Fuck. I do just want to cheer up but...

doitall123 Tue 11-Nov-14 14:35:34

I think a visit to the doctors is needed for him, he needs to sort out the depression. My DH was depressed, on the highest tablets you can get, but over the years he's recovered. He's in a veil and can't see what the house is doing to you, but meantime, can you just go with the flow of the building for what it is, have log fires, and just bear with it until your DH is recovered enough to help with decision making ..

Baytree Wed 12-Nov-14 15:10:18

Agree with the others about him needing to sort out his depression.

When we moved into a house that needed renovating, we couldn't afford much. We decorated just one room and made it really cosy and cheerful. Could you get the energy to do this? Then you have one place of sanctuary? Do you have girlfriends who could come and help you?

innerstrength100 Wed 12-Nov-14 21:30:30

So sorry you are going through this, notathome.

You deserve so so much better. You say you are at the end of your tether and I'm not surprised. Whether or not he has depression, he still is incredibly lazy and totally unsupportive.

When I lived with the father of my kids (many eons ago), over time I realised that I was basically living a single life (ie with me doing everything else), and he was basically just a body in the room. After we split, I surprised myself in that very little changed for ME, on a practical level (ie I didn't miss him) as I had basically been doing everything anyway. For years.

You do deserve better.

DixieTreats Wed 12-Nov-14 22:16:57

I felt very similarly during my marriage. We bought a ridiculously tiny house 7 years ago and when we moved in there were immediate problems with mould. It grew EVERYWHERE. It drove me mad - it was disgusting and both girls have asthma. My DH did nothing. About the mould, about the damage, about saving to move to a bigger house. I tried for YEARS to explain to him how I felt and he took no notice. In the end I lost all respect and the marriage ended. That wasn't the only reason of course, but it was a pretty huge one.
I'd advise you to address this problem seriously. My DH now wishes that he had listened to me.

DixieTreats Wed 12-Nov-14 22:18:20

Ps. I tried to deal with it myself but I had no idea where to start, who to ask and he would never have given me the money for anything.

BranchingOut Thu 13-Nov-14 10:03:47

Do you know that you can get cavity wall insulation free?

Also, I would say that yes you can spend the money - even if you just get a couple of windows done at a time, it is yours to spend too.

NotAtHome Thu 13-Nov-14 21:49:03

Thanks for the replies. DH bought me an electric blanket a couple of days ago which makes a huge difference. I've now slept because I'm warm. I feel much better.

Longer term I can see exactly how things might go like yours, Dixie. I really want to save my marriage if I could, and not this house. DH seems more conscious of things this week - he knows I reached the end of my tether, I think he just doesn't know how that will work out. I just think he isn't that susceptible to the environment he is in, but for me environment is so important.

I think the idea of one cosy room is a good one and I'm going to try to work on that although, weird as it sounds the house is big but nowhere is nice. I think what flattens me is that everything in every room needs everything doing. Electric, plumbing, windows - choosing paint just seems futile even though I can afford paint. I find it hard to get excited about.

I think the house doesn't work for cavity wall insulation as we don't have plasterboard?

CattyCatCat Thu 13-Nov-14 22:51:02

Presumably, if you leave him he will have to sell the house to fund a way to pay you your half of the divorce settlement and fund a new place for you and your dc. Has he considered this? He is likely leaving the house with or without you. He might be better to take this on board and accept he IS going but does he want to keep his marriage because that is the real question.

Tmrgl Thu 13-Nov-14 23:08:27

Cavity wall insulation is definitely for brick walls - they were built as two skins with an air gap which can be filled with foam.

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