I left my husband last year. I have always known that he was emotionally and financially abusive but it's only just dawned on me that he was sexually abusive as well.
A few weeks ago I chatting to a friend. I mentioned that my sex life with ex had often been rubbish. She asked how and I said that when I didn't want to have sex he would sometimes carry on anyway. She said 'so he raped you?'. It was a lightbulb moment because, oh shit, he did didn't he?
I was married for 10 years. This happened dozens of times and I can't get my head around it. I have no idea how to deal with this. I've had some flashbacks. I remember lying in the dark crying while he had sex with me. I remember it hurting and trying not to make a noise because I knew he would be angry. I remember hobbling to the bathroom afterwards to clean myself up and just staring at my tear streaked face in the mirror for ages.
I don't understand how I can not have realised that what he was doing was rape. We also sometimes had consensual sex which I enjoyed. I can't get my head around that either.
If you've been the victim of a sexual assault, how did you come to terms with it? Do you think some form of therapy is always necessary? I just don't know how to even begin to process this. I already know I will not be reporting to the police. I cannot remember all the details of specific incidents and have no idea of the dates they occurred. I know I would not make a good witness and I simply can't face it.
I don't particularly want to see my GP about this. Is there anywhere else I could access counseling? Or is this better managed by myself? I'm not a wreak all the time and am doing OK with the DCs and at work. It's only sometimes that it hits me again and then I feel shaky and tearful for a bit.
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Relationships
If you've been raped - how did you come to terms with it? (possibly some upsetting details sorry)
11 replies
SaltOnTheWind · 08/11/2014 18:39
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