question about money within a marriage

[isthatallsir]

ive always had a niggling concern about something that happened before we actually married. when we were planning the wedding I knew my parents wouldnt contribute financially but my husband's parents would, purely because culturally that is expected. I wasnt bothered because I had savings. Money I had saved for a deposit for a house. Anyhow, his parents gave 'us' a cheque for the wedding one day whilst we were together. Yet I didnt realise later that this became his half of the wedding cost. Again, at the time I knid of didnt pick up on it because I was so in love and this money I was using was for want of a better word 'our money.' Now, fast forward a couple of years into the marriage and its apparent that finances are squarely separate and he is earning for himself, not for any type of partnership. This makes me harp back on this initial paying of the initial wedding itself. Is it unreasonable of me to have expected this cheque to go into a pot and then split the rest of the costs? Or was it in fact his money alone since it was from his parents. would love to hear some opinions. In my mind it should have gone into a pot. This action that he took has actually set a pattern of future behaviours, such that I didnt envisage.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

I don't think that particular action set the pattern in isolation. Very common for bride and groom's families and the couple themselves to split the wedding costs in some way. I remember being the one buying dresses, cars, photographer and flowers, my fiancé buying the honeymoon and formal suits and my parents covering the reception.

Where you've probably gone wrong is not to talk about money since.

[isthatallsir]

oh no thats exactly how I saw it I paid for this he paid for that it was just that i felt in effect i paid more because he got his money for 'free'

[Humansatnav]

What is the financial situation now- you say its apparent that finances' are separate - how separate?
Do you know what he earns?
Is he able to afford things you can't?
Are you both contributing fairly to household expenses?

[MrsHathaway]

In my experience it's more usual for parents to pay for specific parts of a wedding (eg his pay for the suits and honeymoon, hers pay for the reception) than for a set proportion. How was the rest of yours paid for?

I suspect the wedding bill doesn't matter. His behaviour since is what matters.

[SageYourResoluteOracle]

Just to clarify, OP, but are you meaning that, for example, if your wedding cost £18,000, his parents gave what you felt was you as a couple £9000 leaving £9000 still to pay. You then contributed the £9000 from your personal account but you're pondering whether you and your now husband should've each contributed £4500 instead. Is this what you are meaning?

Clearly, the remainder should have been a joint expense BUT if you both had separate finances at the time and this then meant you had less to live off then I think I know what you are meaning.

Sorry if I've got the wrong end of the stick.

[Quitelikely]

It never sits right with me when a mm keeps his salary to himself or demands that his wife goes without whilst he enjoys what he has.

[Joysmum]

its apparent that finances are squarely separate and he is earning for himself, not for any type of partnership

I wouldn't accept a marriage on that basis. When my DH and I got together, I was earning £300 and him £55 (it was over 20 years ago). It didn't matter. Now it's the opposite.

Neither of us have ever accepted the values our employers have placed on us at work to our partnership. We have equal disposable income.

If you continue as you have, what happens if you've both decided to have kids? You won't be able to earn for a while and would he drop his hours too to take an equal hit to his earnings and capacity to concentrate on his career?

[Flexibilityisaghost]

I think who paid what for the wedding is a bit of a red herring to be honest. It is a little pointless to go back over that now. I wouldn't be happy with what you describe in relation to your current financial set up though. I would focus on discussing that, and look at making changes.

[muddylettuce]

Yep, wedding is done and dusted, if you had concerns then you should have raised it at the time. You do definitely need to discuss your current and future finances. What happens if and when you have children and you aren't earning as much for example? In my view, a couple's earnings should go into a pot from which all bills are paid, savings are made and anything left over is equally shared amongst you. Dp and I don't even have our own bank accounts, it's all joint. X

[isthatallsir]

we already have children and no i dont know exactly what his income is. the wedding was a taster of what was to come.

[Vivacia]

How are your outgoings split, and how financially comfortable do you feel?

[MrsHathaway]

IANAL

Regardless of your set-up, I had understood that the law is fairly clear that income during a marriage is an asset of the marriage. That is to say, it doesn't matter what he thinks, as soon as he married you he gave you legal rights over his income and assets.

What would happen if you asked him outright what his salary is?