Mood swings

[Miem1182]

My partner of 12 years has started acting really horrible. We have 2 daughters one of 8 one of 2 we both he works full time I work part time. For the last few months he has had a really bad attitude he talks nasty and swears at me then he'll sulk for days at a time. During the sulking phase he will not help with children or house work and will only give me one word answers! The last time this carried on for 5 days, I think he likes living this way as he gets out of doing any thing other than what he wants to do! Last night I was putting washing away and his drawer broke he went mental and tipped out all his clothes on to the floor then bagged loads of them up and chucked them in the bin? I asked him why he was doing that and he called me lots of names, I completely lost it and shouted back I told him he is making my life a misery and if he's not happy to go. He then said he'd stay until payday & help with the kids! which I said no I'm not living like that he either sorts it out or goes. He won't say sorry for the way he's behaved (this isn't the first time he's gone off the handle recently) as far as he's concerned me shouting back at him is the main issue?? Am I living in a different universe or is there something else going on here?

[davejudgement]

well firstly, Its not you, its him.

He either has a personality altering illness, or OW, is my guess

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

Are you saying that up to a few months ago he was a completely different personality? Not aggressive or abusive at all? Sadly, this is often how people behave when they are trying to exit a relationship. Rather than be honest and take responsibility they make themselves unpleasant in the hope that the other person chucks them out. Also common cause is if the person feels under threat or stressed in some way. Lost their job, owing money, keeping secrets. Nothing excuses it, obviously.

I'm glad you stood up to him and are not tolerating more of the same. Do make sure you follow through.

[Jan45]

You are both miserable, the way he is acting would make me think OW too. Just call it a day, esp for your children's sake.

[GoatsDoRoam]

I said no I'm not living like that he either sorts it out or goes.

Good for you for standing up for yourself.

[gamerchick]

I'm thinking he wants out and wants you to end it.

Usually when they've got something huge happening in their lives which they don't know how to talk to their partners about.

Whatever it is whether it's another woman or huge debt or god knows what else usually comes out eventually.

[Miem1182]

It is out of character for him he has since apologised for being completely irrational. I'm thinking it may be another women too. My thinking at the moment is just to wait because he will slip up and I don't see why u should come out of it looking bad, which I'm sure I will be made to look if I split the family. Thanks for the reassurance that I am not going crazy. ??

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

You don't have to split up the family but you are perfectly entitled to tell him that his behaviour is totally unacceptable and that he's on very thin ice. The only people who never look bad are the people that say and do nothing controversial. Waiting for him to slip up is very passive. Stand up for yourself & others may think you're the bad guy but at least you will have your self-respect

[Miem1182]

I can't 100 percent say that there is an ow at the moment but if there is I know that he is not very clever and it will not be a long before he trips up. I have invested 12 years into this relationship and have 2 daughters to set an example to so I would prefer to have proof for my own sake (no regrets an all that) as well as my childrens sakes. I'm very much a believer in things happening for a reason. You may perceive that as passive and that's fine but I do feel strong. :)

[TheHermitCrab]

Just to take another angle on it here. (because it's so easy to for mums netters to jump to the whole OW subject) So I'm trying to think if it was a man posing this same situation... what we may suggest.

I was in a lot of debt, for years... and I didn't tell my partner. It got to the point where I had literally run out of options, and I was so disgusted in myself I pushed my partner away, I turned into an utter bitch, flying off the handle at everything easily, stressing at the easiest decisions. I think I even had a similar situation to the broken drawer, only clothes ended up all over the house and in the bin due to a faulty washing machine.. anyways, I was a nightmare...

Finally all came to a head when my partner lost it, and finally told me what an utter cow I'd become... I broke down and explained the years of suffering I'd had to try and hide a bad situation from him (I didn't want to stress him out and in turn made life 10 times worse for us) I'm now with a debt management scheme, still skint, but my partner knows and I'm not trying to pretend I'm something I'm not anymore.

Like with your OH it was sudden and didn't last long. Luckily my OH was a better person than me and I was an utter idiot, we didn't have children involved (although we have one on the way now! :) ) and it all got resolved...

I'm not defending your partner (or myself) but sometimes it's not always worse case... I would look at ways of opening him up - as if he's already feeling bad about a situation, telling him about ending things may shut off completely something that could be resolved...

All speculation of course...

[Miem1182]

I have asked him what's wrong but he says he doesn't know. I do love him but I'm not willing for this to carry on. I deal with the money (worst luck) so I know it's not that other than him having a illness or ow I cannot think of what it could be & he's not sharing :( it would help if he did!

[TheHermitCrab]

Oh that is a pickle.... :(

Hard trying to be a mind reader! He really needs to be straight with you, it's not for you to be putting up with x

[Mandatorymongoose]

My DH went through a phase a bit like this - getting really stressed by minor things, being snappy and grumpy. Which isn't normal for him, we're both generally laid back. He ended up being diagnosed with depression (he went to the Dr of his own accord although I had pointed out the impact it was having on family life).

Anti-depressants and a bit of time off work made a huge difference and he's back to being lovely now.

I do think it's important that you don't stay in a situation that makes you unhappy though and if he's not willing or able to recognise and fix his issues - whatever they are - there's nothing you can do but put yourself (and children of course) first.