I need advice.

[Muggins66]

I'm a longtime lurker but I really need advice.

Background is that me and husband have been together 20 years, married for 14 and we have a 5 yr old. We are mostly happy but got into a bit of a rut I suppose. Sex life isn't great as he only comes near me if he's had a few drinks which isn't that often, maybe once every 6 to 8 weeks. I've brought this up to him a few times and he'll always say he'll make an effort but so far, he's not. Relationship has been quite hard work the last 2 years but it seems like it's getting better.

First of all, I'm going to say that I have no problem with porn, I'm not a prude and I'm honestly not a snooper, well I wasn't ! I've always asked him if he looked at it but of course he denied it even though it wouldn't have bothered me.

Anyway, I was on another parenting website and there was a topic where the girl was concerned about her partners internet use, he had deleted the history but because his gmail was logged in, it Apparantly is still stored somewhere. So I had never heard of this so I go onto gmail on our tablet and the husband is always logged in so I had a quick look and of course he had been looking at porn. Not excessively but I was gutted cos of his lies and because he hardly comes near me. So I confronted him and he admitted it, said he was embarrassed...usual crap. I told him that the only thing that bothered me is that he lied about it.d this was in May this year so fast forward to last month and I decided to check up on him and checked the history and no porn. Until I clicked a section where it gives you the most searched items and number 5 was free porn ! The others were websites I go onto every day. So I told him that I was peed off that he lied once again and that although he had deleted stuff, the fifth most searched thing was free porn so he had been caught out. He insisted that he hadn't and that he wouldn't even know how to delete stuff so I just left it.

Anyway, on Saturday night, we had a few drinks in the house and did the deed but it was kind of different but in a good way, he was a bit more talkative during sex and stuff. Now recently there has been a huge pressure taken off him at work and various other things which could maybe explain it ....however, I snooped again and free porn was still good old number 5 on the list ! So I looked back and there was nothing on the history. Now originally when this saga all started and I found the porn on the history it was from April...fair enough but when I checked on Sunday it had been deleted so I check back further and he must have deleted all his free porn searches....so much for not knowing how to delete it !!

Thank you if you hVe read this so far ! I'm not going mad am I ? He's still looking at porn and trying to hide it isn't he ? I'm gutted about this, he lies....stupid lies.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

I don't think you're going mad. Attitudes to porn vary immensely but I think most people would object if/when porn use started to get in the way of or even replace normal intimacy. Lying is destructive all by itself, of course. No relationship ever got better when one party can't be trusted.

I think the angle here is that your relationship is drifting, the intimacy is dwindling, the trust is damaged and, if he doesn't make some kind of effort to be more engaged and more honest, the future's looking bleak

[Jan45]

The fact he is using porn is the cause of the lack of sex between you, instead of investing his time looking at shit that is so far removed from reality is unreal, he should be investing in you and him, what age is, a bloody teenager, I'd not be putting up with this, if he prefers to watch crap like that then he can't be too bothered about you and him having a fulfilling sex life.

[bobs123]

You don't say why he was looking at porn. Did you ask him? Is it because it is the easy option. Is the reason why he continually looks at it and doesn't tell you because he is embarrassed? Is he using it for tips to help his sex life with you? When you DTD had he been looking at porn immediately before? These are the things you need to be asking him.

Personally I have no issue with looking at porn to help things along a little. You have been married a while and it takes 2 to tango . How much effort do you put into "things"?

[Muggins66]

thanks for the replies ladies.

i dont think he had been looking at porn before we dtd. i have no idea when the last time he looked at it...according to him it was before we had the massive fall out in may but i have no idea tbh. if he hadnt been watching it, why would it be still in the top 5 searches on his google ? i hate the fact that ive became the type of person to go snooping through a bloody internet history.

the porn isnt an issue, i would watch it with him...i hate the fact that the trust has been broken.

bobs.....i dont put in nearly enough effort into things if im being honest. ive been concerned about our lack of sex life and getting into a rut for a few years and ive just stopped making an effort as its just ate away at my confidence and i know that its not helping matters but it is always me that brings the matter up ( fucking red flag eh )

except for this, we are a great couple, a great team, we're meant to be and i definitely believe that he loves me and that he would never go with anyone else. i definitely think the porn is a quick release. i cant remember ( and the old porn history was deleted ) but he probably looked at it around twice a month.

im going to have to have another talk with him arent i ? i dont think i have the energy for it today.

[bobs123]

Yes you are. It sounds like you have a great relationship other than this issue, and especially with the length of your marriage it's just something that needs discussing and a little effort putting in

Btw is the search still in there as it autofilled when searching for something else and was then clicked on? This happens to me sometimes.

[Muggins66]

i'll have a talk with him at some pount this week, i dont have the energy for it today.

thanks again