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How to break cycle/break addiction to person

(6 Posts)
kickitoutoftouch Sat 01-Nov-14 21:02:46

Have N/C. I have also posted various times over last year about trying to stop myself returning to [mainly] EA relationship.

I have failed every time and it is destroying my mental health and also my physical health. I have tried so, so, so hard but every time eventually caved and then its all love and romance, and now that doesn't even last a few days before he starts.

I REALLY need some kind of short sharp shock or something! I am hopefully getting some counselling which I hope will help but if anyone can recommend any books, websites, on line resources and what the hell I can do I would be so grateful sad

I have done the remove all contact details, make long long lists of all the stuff he has done, written to myself about why i should not go back.....

alongcamespiders Sat 01-Nov-14 21:25:09

Kaleah la roache and melanie tonia Evans are good.also there is a YouTube audiobook 'codependent no more' by melody Beattie, women who love too much is meant to be good but I haven't read it yet, the freedom programme is highly recommended, you can do it online or locally in a group. There is a book that goes with it.
If you keep going back the abuse is likely to escalate and happen more frequently, do the reading and learning , counselling or therapy to understand why you're drawn to the awful feelings the relationship gives you, does it mirror something from your childhood ? Do you have low self esteem? You are not really attracted to the perpetrator of the EA but the feelings you get around him or the cravings you gave for him, they are all linked to old wounds.

kickitoutoftouch Sat 01-Nov-14 21:42:47

Just been looking at those people and found their websites, thanks. I also brought a book called How to Break your addiction to a person.... fingers crossed.

Yep i really hope counsellor will help me make sense of it

kickitoutoftouch Sun 02-Nov-14 12:18:35

Hmmm maybe if I made up some shit about porn and sex cams and all the other troll stuff I would get more of a response....

Ho hum!

CogitoErgoSometimes Sun 02-Nov-14 13:48:48

I don't really have a list of books or websites that might be a fix for your problem. All I can offer are some practical suggestions that might assist you in dragging yourself away from a destructive past. Same as cracking any other entrenched bad habit it takes effort and application. Like the man said.... a definition of insanity is doing the same things over and over again and expecting a different outcome. So here goes.

- Make it difficult to go backwards and easier to go forwards. If you were on a diet, for example, you might shop online rather than be tempted by displays of fattening foods in a shop. You already lost the phone numbers. Did you also change e-mail addresses, go cold turkey on FB, stop drinking alcohol, stop hanging out in places they are likely to be? .... whatever pattern the relapses normally take, think where the weak points are and place physical obstacles in the way.
- Delay. Acknowledge that you want to get in touch or respond to the text but tell yourself 'I'll do it tomorrow'. A short delay is enough to allow you to change your mind.
- Fresh start. Relocate, get a new job, take up that great opportunity to tour Australia. People used to join the Foreign Legion 'to forget'. You don't have to go to those lengths but physical distance is a great way to leave someone properly behind.
- Fill your time with absorbing and interesting activities until you stop missing the person. Make new friends, go places, make 'yes' your default setting to every social event going.
- Tell others what you're trying to do. Give them permission to stand in your way if they see you're being an idiot.
- Don't give up. If you manage to go longer between relapses, see that as progress.

kickitoutoftouch Sun 02-Nov-14 23:30:59

Hi Cog - your advice is great, as always.

My relapses are unfortunately I manage to hunt down his number (its a work mobile number which is available on the web) and i pester him til he agrees to see me. Pathetic really.

I would love to relocate but would be totally unfair on DS who is settled and happy at school. And to be honest I love where I live and don't want him to drive me out

I am going longer between relapses and am definately giving less of a fuck. I started trying to notice when I missed him and it often came from a place of worrying about money, or feeling vulnerable and wanting some kind of strength behind me (he is a powerful person without giving out too much info)

My new book arrives tomorrow so am looking forward to getting stuck into that

DS and I have been wanting a dog for years and I have been keeping an eye on teh local rescue centre, I have fallen for teh pics of one who has been there a long time and is 'struggling in kennels' - I am hoping to go and see him tomorrow smile smile smile smile smile smile

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