I'm at a complete loss as to what to do.
I don't see my brother very often. We both moved away from our (European) home country and our family there. Him and his GF/fiancée of 8 years moved to Switzerland for a few years to make some money before starting a family.
I moved to GB, met DH and started a family.
So, my DM rented a house for all of us to have a holiday and family get together on the south coast for a week.
During our time there we all drank a lot and were quite merry every night. We all noticed my DB putting a fair bit away and DH and I spoke a few times about how he seemed to have an extremely high tolerance for alcohol and a taste for neat spirits (mainly vodka and gin). On one occasion, DSD saw him standing by the fridge and taking a swig straight from the bottle of gin. But I think because we were all drinking it didn't really register as a problem iyswim.
However, during our last evening together my DB popped out for a bit and one of us mentioned that he was drinking quite a lot considering he was meant to drive home to Switzerland the next day. His GF then said that actually, she was really worried about his drinking. She had a kind of break down and begged us all for help as she apparently didn't know what to do anymore. I was horrified at some of the things she said!
Apparently DB:
Drinks very nearly every day, at least a bottle of wine, often more, plus neat spirits.
Lies to her about whether he has been drinkink and hides bottles (she said for example they went to stay with her parents and he left a few days before her. After he left her mum found an empty bottle of vodka hidden on their terrace)
Sometimes is too drunk to come and pick her up from the train station at 18:00.
Most nights sleeps on the sofa now because she does not want him to share her bed when drunk - he accepts this but doesn't seem to care anymore.
Has embarrassed her many times in front of friends and her family by being off his head drunk.
She said she tried many times to convince him to seek help but he seems mostly in denial. She has tried to reason, tried to argue and shout but nothing works. My heart went out to her when she said she cries herself to sleep regularly. They are engaged to be married next summer and are meant to start a family shortly after but she said she is not prepared to bring children into this relationship as it currently stands.
The more she talked, the more I felt my heart was breaking. I love my brother so much. We were never very close as children but have developed more of a bond as adults. I was very touched and honoured when he asked me to be his "best man" for his wedding next year.
He holds down a job without problem - he works in catering in a hotel and often has to get up at 5 am to manage the breakfast buffet. Other times he works behind the bar in the evening (ironically). He never seems to be having a hangover. I'm almost 100% sure he does not drink until the afternoon or early evening ans his GF confirmed this.
Now, our grandfathers were both alcoholics in the "classic" sense: they were drunk all day every day and mostly made the life of everyone around them hell. But my brother is nothing like them. He is kind and caring and was wonderful with my DCs all week. He is funny and loving and him and his fiancée were clearly very much in love and seem made for each other (his fiancée kep saying she loved him so much - but not when he is drunk!) But I can't help feeling that even though he is nothing like our grandfathers he might actually be classed as an alcoholic??
I've no idea where to go from here. Shortly after my DBs fiancée finished begging us for help he returned. We were all completely shell shocked and because it was late and we had all been drinking we didn't feel it was the right time to confront him or try and talk to him. The next morning we had to vacate the house really early and so we all drove home without anything being said.
I have no idea what to do now. I'm so far away but I really don't feel that this is a conversation I can have over the phone with him. I'm not sure if my DM and stepd will be any good at handling this, bless them, as they can be a bit blunt and I'm scared they will be too confrontational and push my DB further into denial.
Does anybody have any experience of this? I'm desperately worried for my DB, for his health and his relationship. I would do almost anything to help.
Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody
Relationships
Just spent a week with my brother and realised he has a serious drink problem. Devastated and desparate for advice
justkeeponsmiling · 01/11/2014 16:54
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