Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
Should i be worried about my DH and this woman at work(24 Posts)
i will try not to drip feed and apologise in advance if this ends up too longwinded. I have been with my DH for 10 years and have worked together for 10 years. It is a GP surgery (hope this doesn't out me). dH is a gp and i work in reception. Theere is another lady there who has been in reception for one and a half years. She is well liked by everyone and a bubbly and flirty person. Her and my DH have always got on very well, share the same sense of humour and are very jokey together. I don't believe there is a physicsl attraction between them but they definately seem close (don't see each other out of work tho as DH doesn't tend to socialise anyway).
In between surgeries DH often seeks out company of other receptionist above other work colleagues, to have a laugh and kill a bit of time etc. he does chat to me briefly too but not the same, and he knows i like to get on with my work and worry about other people thinking i am taking advantage cos im a drs wife, if i were to mess about etc. anyway, everytime they are chatty together and she is all flirty it makes me angry and upset. I don't tend to say anything about it but our marriage has been a bit distant over the past year, tho DH making much mor effort this week as we had a big talk last weekend about stuff. I know he loves me, and i do have a tendency to be jealous and insecure - due to my own lack of confidence/ history. Howeve, i also know that she is in an unhappy marriage and was keen to meet someone else outside her marriage (got dunk at last years work do and told lots of people).
Anyway, i did mention last weekend that although i didn't think anything was going on, it did concern me that he seemed to have more fun with a colleague than me. But things have been exactly the same between them this week. I thought he would have eased off. Anyway, i made a couple of arsey comments to him when alone about it and he later text me to apologise for upsetting me.
So, where do i go from here? I am not good at playing it cool and it really upsets me when i see them together. Am i just being paranoid? I don't actually believe he would cheat on me but i do feel threatened by all of this in some way. Do i just need to grow up?
So don't play it cool. Just tell him how it makes you feel and that, rightly or wrongly, you feel paranoid about his behaviour, that he is disrespecting you and that you need him to give you a hug.
You are married, you don't have to 'aim to please' all the time. If he has pissed you off, tell him. Cry at him, whatever! Just stop being polite and feeling needy.
I never play it cool. If something bothers you, say so.
I got jealous of my DH having fun when we were going through a bad patch.
Now we are going through a good patch, I'm not jealous, I'm happy for him. We fixed what was wrong in the relationship and things were better.
If something more is going on, they would have to be spectacularly brazen to do it literally under your nose
It depends on the tone they're taking in these interactions.
If he has just been cracking jokes with a bubbly employee then its not itself problematic, particularly in a very small workplace. Banter is to be expected.
Is his banter actually flirtatious? Commenting on her clothes, hair, husband, figure, social life etc?
Is her banter like that?
Cos if you switched her to being....say....someone much older, like a 65 year old woman you knew he'd have no romantic interest in, would your view be different? In other words, is it the content of the banter or is it her?
This can be very annoying & worrying. My dh is friends with a woman at work & just once or twice it's made me feel uneasy. I knew he'd given her lifts home a couple of times ' it got to the point where I spoke to him about it. His response was "message received & understood it won't happen again" . Fast forward a month to this week & he left home early one morning & gave her a lift home as she'd been on nightshift. I knew the minute I heard the door shut at 5.30 am that he'd take her home. Pissed me right off. What if someone had seen him drop her off at that time of day- looks a bit suspicious.
Thanks for all the replies. There is nothing to make me think that there is any more to it than just friends. He is not flirtatious at all and she makes no comments re him as such, it is just having a laugh together etc and she is giggly/ flirty with everyone so does not treat him any differently. I guess it is the way he seeks her out, and seems to follow her like a puppy that gets on my nerves. I just feel upset by it all, but can't really justify why
I'm surprised at a GP having so much time on their hands that they actively seek out a receptionist to kill time and "have a laugh with". Sounds really unprofessional. Aren't they meant to be helping sick people?
Sorry but that would make me lose even more respect for him than all the larking about.
I think most married people will experience this feeling to some extent at some point. From what you say, you don't feel like you have anything major to worry about, in terms of infidelity. It sounds more like your own insecurities are making you feel like this, maybe related to the fact your marriage has been a bit distant recently. I think JoysMum is spot on, and if you tackled the root causes of some reduced self-confidence in yourself and your marriage, then this receptionist issue is likely to bother you much less.
It's hard to suggest specific things, as you'll know what "suits" your relationship best. But I'd imagine some new ways to spend time together alone, being flirtatious with each other, a care-free evening etc would be good.
Separately, maybe do some nice things for yourself too.. You should feel confident, beautiful and special, because hopefully that is how your husband would describe you and how he'd want you to feel. :-) My gut feeling is that you have nothing to worry about and should find some time to be kinder to yourself, as an individual and as a wife.
And sorry if it sounds abrupt but maybe my view is influenced by the fact that our GP has been an absolute rock to us when my DP was diagnosed with cancer 2 years ago and they are massively overworked and sending out replies to emails at 10pm.
am pretty sure your husband would hate it if you treated a male colleague the same way OP.
it would piss me off too, not sure what to do for the best other than tell him how you feel and if he dismisses your feelings then you have a right to be worried. however there is a fine line between being needlessly jealous and actually having reason to worry.
It is very odd behaviour and I would be pissed off. They are both disrespecting you IMO. I would call him on it and say that his behaviour is not on on a personal or professional level.
Well we had a talk and i wxplained how i feel and said what if role was reversed etc. he was very apologetic and seemed to understand exactly where i was coming from.
Daisy - i am so sorry to hear of your situation but i all the gps in our practice have breaks in the afternoon and some free time when appointments are not all taken. This is the first gps surgery i have worked in so didn't realise that some gps work until 10 at night. That is true dedication!
Hi Milly, the surgery itself doesn't stay open until 10 but our GP frequently checks email after hours, for example if DP has been for his routine periodic scans he has for the next 5 years, he drops our GP an email and they always get back to give support, comments on any queries DP may have.
You did the right thing having a chat with your DH and I'm really pleased he saw it from your point of view. Hopefully he will continue to take your feelings into account. take care.
I am glad you had a chat.
I hope he continues to take this on board.
i would add, that not only is is directly upsetting to you, but that other colleagues nay well have noticed to. Since you work together, I think it is likely that other people will be watching the pair of you with interest and it is even more improtant that he behaves professionally as it could reflect poorly on him.
I also agree that it miay be helpful to use this as an impetus to address what is going on in your marriage at the moment.
Emotional distance can arise and that is what you are picking up on by contrast with this woman
I think you should start making an effort with her.if she rejects your friendship and acts strange you know you have a problem on your hands...
You must tell him exactly how you feel. Strong and clear boundaries with third parties are KEY in a relationship. You must express this to him and ask respectfully that he tries to put these in place. Discuss practical ways in which he can put those boundaries into place eg 1. He should not seek her out to talk to her. 2. He should decide how to cauterise any conversation(if started by her) that becomes personal and flirtatious.
If this doesn't happen, then I do think that trouble is brewing but you can absolutely fix this situation. Good luck
Thanks again for everyone's advice. We have had a good weekend and talked in depth about it. We are both very committed but i do feel that we have been guilty of taking things for granted and making less of an effort lately. Wehave been absorbed in other things and have talked about how to refocus on us more. It is more a case of me feeling threatened or boring in comparison, rather than her being an actual threat. I think this is the real problem
Read Shirley glass 'not just friends' OP and get your Dh to read it too... Preventative measure!
GPs are sort of public property whether they like it or not. If one of ours flirted with a receptionist on a regular basis it would be round the local gossips within hours!
I think you should stop blaming yourself for being unreasonable and start suggesting that maybe his behavior could be more circumspect.
Seeking out the flirty giggly member of staff would be a nono if it was my DH (not a GP).
Join the discussion
Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, watch threads, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.Register now »
Already registered? Log in with:
Please login first.