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Anyone else unable to take anyone at face value?

(20 Posts)
superstarheartbreaker Fri 31-Oct-14 11:02:47

I was in tears the other night as I realised that it is unlikely I will be unable to sustain healthy relationships due to past abuse etc.
When I first meet anyone I am always looking for red flags to the point where everything is a red flag.
For example: new bloke is gushy, warm and complimentary before sex ( must be a player as only wants sex). I tell him he's too full on.
Great date/ sex followed by a bit more distance ( I tell him he's too cold/ distant). Can the man win?
Trouble is I have no idea what the warning signs are any more. Radar messed up etc. I just push people away. It would just be nice to feel that if a man calls me amazing and gorgeous then maybe he means it rather than " he just wants a shag, he dosnt mean it, I'm so crap that when he knows the real me he will walk anyway."

Yes I know I need therapy but tbh I keep having it but I find that my anxiety about relationships is getting worse rather than better.

I'm taking yet another break from men ... Again fgs.

BelleOfTheBorstal Fri 31-Oct-14 11:21:36

I tried to respond but this still new mobile web site sucks arse!
Yes, I have great trouble taking anyone at face value.

SelfLoathing Fri 31-Oct-14 11:30:23

When I first meet anyone I am always looking for red flags to the point where everything is a red flag.
For example: new bloke is gushy, warm and complimentary before sex ( must be a player as only wants sex). I tell him he's too full on.
Great date/ sex followed by a bit more distance ( I tell him he's too cold/ distant). Can the man win?

But you are right. Both of these are red flags.
Someone too full on at the start is usually a bad sign (not always but often). Men often get super-keen when they are just after sex.

A man totally going cold/backing off after sex is also usually a bad sign. A little be of pull back after intimacy is pretty normal for men at the start of a relationship - but not rudeness/coldness etc.

Your mistake is "telling him" he is too full on/too cold. Just keep quite and watch. Telling a man "he is too cold/distance" after a date/sex at the start of a relationship is what a lot of guys would take = bunny boiler tendencies.

The main thing is to remember that you can't assess someone's true colors until you have known them for a while. My granny used to say "seen them through four seasons". But basically seen what they are like when they are happy, when they are down, ill, had a problem at work, row with their relatives etc.

All this takes time.

patronisingbitchinthewardrobe Fri 31-Oct-14 11:30:33

Yes. If he claims to love me, why can't I accept that? And in reverse. Why, if the red flags are forming bunting and decorating the whole town, can't I put him out of my mind?

SelfLoathing Fri 31-Oct-14 11:32:16

Why, if the red flags are forming bunting and decorating the whole town, can't I put him out of my mind?

+1 to that.

mammadiggingdeep Fri 31-Oct-14 12:53:45

Unfortunately, I totally identify with what you're saying. I even feel a bit like that within friendships, if I get complimented I kind of think they're saying it just to be kind rather than they actually think I look good/ did a good job/ did my gair nicely etc.

No advice just flowers

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 31-Oct-14 13:01:37

Putting on my amateur shrink hat I don't think you're anxious about relationships as much as you are anxious about yourself. You don't think you deserve love so you try to confirm that by finding fault in others. Ironically... fear of rejection is making you reject people.

In that light I think you're right to take a break. The whole set-up surrounding dating is very artificial and loaded with expectations on all sides. If you're already feeling anxious and on high alert for red flags, it's really not the right environment to be in. Too much pressure. The other pressure that you seem to be applying to yourself is that you desperately want to be in a relationship. You appear to see independence as a failing..... when, in fact, there are a lot of people in a lot of very miserable incompatible relationships who would grab independence with both hands and never let go.

So while you're taking a break from dating, work on your confidence, self-esteem, peace of mind and - above all - see being independent as a big advantage with lots of possibilities. Widen your social circle, make friends with lots of people, all genders, and get to know others in a relaxed setting. You're a free agent. Relish it.

Pandora37 Fri 31-Oct-14 15:09:46

I feel the same after having been in a relationship with a very manipulative man. If a man is charming and complimentary now I automatically think he's trying to manipulate me or has some kind of ulterior motive eg. he just wants sex, he's using me to make his ex girlfriend jealous (I've had that done to me before), he's using me until someone better comes along then I'll be ditched etc.

I agree with everything Cogito has said, making an independent life for yourself is a good thing. Although in the past I was single for years and I made out it was because I wanted to be independent, didn't want to be tied down blah blah when it was actually because I was terrified of being in a relationship and it all going tits up, and no-one would want to be with me anyway. So that was equally just as unhealthy an attitude. Having said that, I'd started to make a good life for myself and I really was relishing my independence when my last ex came along. Now I'm back to where I was before and am going to try and make the most of everything being single has to offer. Hopefully you can too.

weedinthepool Fri 31-Oct-14 17:22:08

Oh yes. I went out last weekend. A friend of a friend was showing 'interest' in me and I have not stopped over analysing and criticising me and him since. Poor bloke, he was only being kind. It's rubbish! It makes me feel old and bitter and washed up and I hate that.

superstarheartbreaker Fri 31-Oct-14 21:16:03

I know I shouldn't say if I'm finding a guy too cold or full on but unfortunately I'm one of those people who says exactly what comes into my head. I just don't seem to have the necessary psychological skill set/ ability to play it cool/ play games that is deemed necessary for getting a relationship off the ground.

superstarheartbreaker Fri 31-Oct-14 21:49:30

Also I feel like the only woman on earth who totally freaks out when a man goes distant after sex. I mean most girls I know who really like a man are able to get a grip and think " oh that's naturally what men do; I'd best give him space." Whereas I panic.

Most girls seem quietly confident that their man will come back after having some space. I don't feel that .

JohnFarleysRuskin Fri 31-Oct-14 22:05:02

I've never had this problem, no. I just think, is this working for me - and then I decide from there.

I agree with cog - op, you come across as a lovely woman who doesn't have a secure sense of self. I'd Work on that- job, family, counselling - before throwing men into the mix.

SelfLoathing Fri 31-Oct-14 22:07:25

Most girls seem quietly confident that their man will come back after having some space. I don't feel that .

No one feels like that about a man they like at the start of a relationship.

All girls are quietly panicking deep inside. They are just hiding it.

Its normal to be anxious if you really like someone.

Tinks42 Fri 31-Oct-14 22:18:25

Why would a man naturally want space after sex? Why should a woman think that is normal?

superstarheartbreaker Fri 31-Oct-14 22:23:16

To me it is totally alien. I've just had sex with someone I really like...yippee lets do it again and snuggle lots!

JohnFarleysRuskin Fri 31-Oct-14 22:23:17

I agree tinks. I also find it odd that you see playing psychological games as requisite for a relationship. That's perculiar.

superstarheartbreaker Fri 31-Oct-14 22:27:01

It's because I read that bloody rules book when I was at uni and it has stuck despite me throwing it in the bin out of annoyance and frustration!

Tinks42 Fri 31-Oct-14 23:01:38

Aren't the women that wrote the rules divorced now? OP, make your own rules. Have sex if and when YOU feel comfortable. I don't let anyone in my space until I want to. If I have sex and they cool off, well I did exactly the same as them, so what?

CogitoErgoSometimes Sat 01-Nov-14 05:36:53

If you play games in any relationship I don't think you get very far because it's difficult to remember what game you're meant to be playing. If you don't like yourself and don't think others will like you unless you adopt some kind of alternative persona, you'll only attract people who like the persona rather than the person. Far better to be yourself and have your own personality and standards.

Work on your confidence, self-esteem, making friends of all genders, getting to know people and letting them get to know you. When you ultimately meet another potential boyfriend, treat them the same way..... getting to know each other properly before having sex. Then your chances of finding someone compatible will significantly increase.

Do you have a typical way of meeting men? How did you meet your last boyfriend?

ArtVandelay Sat 01-Nov-14 07:28:03

It sounds as if you don't have the necessary sang froid for dating and sex at the moment. Like, its leaving you very emotionally vulnerable and then any deviation from what you expect or hope for is really crushing you. My (boring, probably) thoughts on this are to get to know potential partners a bit better - more daytime, activity type dates where you see each other in non-sexual situations. See each other more as rounded individuals. This will sort out the bores and players and lets face it, if there is a real frisson then you feel it doing pretty much anything. There is not the proscribed 'ho hum end of the night snog/shag'. The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting to get a different result. I don't believe women shouldnt shag whoever/ whenever. I just dont think you are cut out for it atm. I hope that isnt a rude answer, you sound so sad though, i hope you can find a way through this and meet some really nice people who are worthy of your time.

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