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Feeling no sense of family

(5 Posts)
avocadosarentmiddleclassed Thu 30-Oct-14 22:20:46

I got married this year aged 30 and both our families were there.
When I was growing up my Dad had full custody of both my sister and I. He met a woman and we lived together as a unit for 10 years until she cheated and became a heroin addict so we lost touch with her and step brother.
Fast forward and Dads been with current partner for 14 years, she has 2 children in their late twenties and we're all starting to grow apart. Having spent Christmasses with dad and step family for years his partner emailed me today to say that they (her, her daughter and my dad) would not be about at Christmas because they're going to stay in Cornwall.
My Dad's really the 1 person I would really like to see over the festive season as my dear sister lives in France.
I just feel unwelcome every where and my Mum normally spends xmas with my Granny and her side of the family.
Is it because I'm married now that people expect me to just be having my own christmas?
Has this happened to any of you?
Thanks for reading.

PoundingTheStreets Thu 30-Oct-14 22:56:41

I think this is incredibly common and more so now that so many families are second families. You're certainly not unusual and I think you're probably quite right that because you got married earlier this year your DF thought you'd probably relish the chance to spend Christmas with just your new DH rather than playing Christmas dinner ping pong with your respective families. I really wouldn't take it personally.

What you could do is choose a good moment to have a chat with your dad about future Christmases and how you don't want to risk growing apart, but I would try very hard to do it in as much of a non-accusatory way as possible.


Rollontome Thu 30-Oct-14 23:13:10

Perhaps they assume that you'll want to spend christmas with your husband so they're happy to do their own thing. Why not spend it with your husbands family if it's an extended family Christmas you want. Or just enjoy lazing about with your husband, make your own holiday traditions.

Nobody's obliged to stick around doing what they don't want to so they can entertain others who won't be alone over the holiday season. They want to go to Cornwall for a change. It's nothing personal towards you.

Take the opportunity to do your own thing, no expectation or pressure from anybody.

PenelopeGarciasCrazyHair Fri 31-Oct-14 00:04:35

Try to see it as a series of family get together a rather than just one day. If you can see your dad before he goes away you can have a Christmas with him, one another day with your mum, one with your DH etc.

I spend the actual day with XH and the DCs, but have a fake Christmas the weekend before with dp and his DCs. I will meet up with my DBs another day and if days/timings work out right, another day with DP's family. It spreads the joy over about 2 weeks rather than just having a day or two.

I know what you mean about not feeling like 'family' when you're not part of a nuclear family main Christmas, but I actually quite enjoy the smaller gatherings where you get to spend time with people in small groups rather than a hectic day where you're spreading yourself too thinly to enjoy it.

avocadosarentmiddleclassed Fri 31-Oct-14 09:09:33

Thank you I feel a lot better reading that it's quite common. I'm thinking we could book a little holiday a few days after xmas and bring DH's daughter or something. Tbh I am tired of spreading my self thinly over the xmas holidays Im starting my dissertation then too so will need to have time and groundedness. I think Im just strugglimg with the change. When I have children it will be easier to just stay in one place and everyone will understand.

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