controlling stbxh. will it ever stop?

[confusedNC]

Stbxh has our son this weekend. Ds is 3. He's unsettled just now from us splitting up and losing our home. Stbxh is still there but wouldn't leave so we had to.

I got nasty text earlier telling me not to let ds nap before visits again cos it meant he didn't sleep till 11pm last night. Plus he had been off with his older cousin and had sworn. Stbxh says he is concerned. Asks if I need counselling (!!!) and he'll pay.

I haven't replied. I won't be drawn in. It's futile. I just don't want to play these games.

Feel really down. He's put me through hell since ending our marriage and he won't ever let up. He's just going to carry on bullying me forever.

We're doing mediation soon. I'm dreading it. But he'd just drag me to court if I don't go. I'm not strong enough just now. My solicitor thinks should try it. I'm just seeing it as lesser of two evils but so scared. He's gaslighting. Trying to make out I'm unstable when it's his actions that cause the upset. He just wants to carry on abusing me.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

Postpone the mediation. If you're feeling the strain and you know he's a bully, it's not going to be a worthwhile exercise. Mediation really only works where everyone's being reasonable. There's no rush but someone like your ex will try to imply there is. Take your time, gather your strength and keep ignoring the wind-ups.

[balia]

I'm sure someone sensible will be along in a minute and tell you that ignoring him is the adult thing to do etc.

I'm not sure I'd be able to resist replying;

Dear STBX, when you've spent a bit more time around young children you will realise they pick all kinds of things up and clutching your pearls in horror is probably the worst thing you could do. Perhaps a parenting class would be helpful? You can find out that naps are good for small children and it will probably help you to put an effective sleep routine in place.

Mediation isn't a good idea in abusive situations, you know - you don't have to do it.

[confusedNC]

I know I don't have to go but I also know that if I don't he'll take me to court. My solicitor thinks it's best to try to mediate as court v stressful and his lawyer is utterly vile and unreasonable.

I haven't replied to him.

Mediation date not through yet. Only just agreed with trepidation.

[confusedNC]

Cogito the whole thing has been furious rush on his part. We separated in July (you've chatted to me before). He was over starting dv in 3 days. He's filed papers now on MY unreasonable behaviour. I genuinely think I've been married to a psychopath

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

I'm not a lawyer but I don't think you're getting good advice. If you only separated in July and there is abuse involved, you should not be being bounced into making any kind of decision about anything. Is your solicitor experienced in domestic abuse cases? Do they know about the emotional abuse?

I suggest you go back to the solicitor, tell them you have changed your mind about mediation and get them to stall. In the meantime, get as much emotional and practical support as possible. Also consider seeing your GP and having it on record that you are suffering from stress and mental anguish.

Take your time. You don't have to do anything at all except look after yourself.