What do you think of this? Good friend or not?

[MsGainzly]

Ok, so there is this woman I have been close friends with for a long time. We don't see each other very often but we have a lot of shared history and I really value our relationship.

She is notoriously tactless. She knows it and we laugh about it sometimes. She's just one of those people who has a faulty filter between her brain and her mouth. This is something I accept about her, as she accepts me warts and all.

However a few times now she has said things that have really bothered me, and I'm starting to wonder whether it's possible she's deliberately or subconsciously trying to undermine me at times?

For example, a while back I dabbled with online dating. I had a photographer friend take some really nice pictures of me and when this woman came round to spend a weekend, I showed her my profile and some of the men I was chatting to/arranging dates with.

She made a few comments inferring that the men I was going for were out of my league looks wise. At one point she said that she'd read an article that said relationships were more likely to last if the man was more attractive than the woman. "Not that you're less attractive or anything" she said afterwards in a tone that implied that was exactly what she thought. We also looked at a profile where the main photograph looked very attractive, but other ones less so. "Oh look, he's got a friend that's a talented photographer too!" she said - implying that my photos did not fairly represent me either.

Her comments hurt, but I figured she was trying to be a good friend by telling me the truth? To be fair, looking back I realise I was being shallow wanting to go on dates with all these good looking men, but I wasn't looking for a lasting love - I had just come out of a bad relationship which had destroyed my self esteem and just wanted to get out there and have some fun, and yes, I suppose prop myself up a bit. I'm not particularly proud of that and wouldn't take the same approach today, but that's where I was at at the time.

Perhaps she sensed this and thought it best to try to bring me back down to reality?

Also, she constantly makes comments about my weight. I am very slim (runs in the family) and she often says things such as, "Oh have you eaten already this week?" if I say no thank you to any offered food. I find it embarrassing, especially when she does it in front of other people.

Is it her? Or is it me? I can't see the wood for the trees

[ARGHtoAHHH]

One word: JEALOUS.

[squitchey]

It's her, and she's not a good friend.

[SandyJ2014]

I would agree with ARGH. I wouldn't dream of speaking to a friend in this way.

Always better to see what you can do to save a friendship so if I were you next time she says something like this, say gently that you find it hurtful and/or embarrassing making that kind of comment because it e.g. implies you are not eating properly. Then say that you really value her friendship but could she please not speak to you in this way. Delivered in a relaxed manner (if you can manage!!).

I've had friends like this and let this become an entrenched dynamic and by then it was too late and so very very hard to correct it. You must value yourself and people should not speak to you in that way because it is hurtful, personal and derogatory.

Good luck!! :-)

[SandyJ2014]

Also, don't try and pontificate on why she is saying these things (e.g. trying to be a good friend), just focus on the fact that it upsets you and is not acceptable.

[Clobbered]

She is a poor excuse for a friend. I don't accept that some people are just naturally tactless. For me, they are just RUDE. You don't need that kind of person in your life, do you, really?

[MsGainzly]

She's no reason to be jealous though Argh. She's got loads and loads going for her. She's exceptionally talented in her chosen field and has achieved loads. She has a good and loving relationship with a man who loves the bones of her and is not, as far as I can see, lacking in any real self esteem. We're close enough that if she felt badly about herself, she would talk to me about it. But she's really a confident and generally happy person.

[MsGainzly]

Thank you everyone for your replies. I have considered talking to her about this - in fact I think I should for my own self respect. I don't think she would respond defensively or badly - she's not like that. If I was hurt, she would care. But I can't seem to face the awkwardness of telling her how I feel.

[ARGHtoAHHH]

You may think she has no reason to be jealous. Maybe you are wrong? It smacks of jealousy to me.

[kaykayblue]

I think you need to sit her down and be frank with her.

You can say something like:

We both know that you have a tendency to be tactless: no-one is perfect, and I know that we laugh about it at times. But recently there have been occasions where you have crossed a line, and gone from "tactless" to outright bitchy. It's not okay to make jokes about my eating habits, and it's not okay to make backhanded comments about my appearance. I really value your friendship, which is why I am sitting here telling you this, rather than just cutting you out from my life.

[SandyJ2014]

If you think she isn't jealous then that's great because it suggests that you will be able to get things back on track but I think the point is that whatever her motives (or lack of), these comments make you feel uncomfortable and therefore you should be clear with her that she shouldn't speak to you like that.

[Jan45]

My god, I can feel the woman's jealousy from here, pull her up every time she is rude to you, don't let her get away with it.

[Asteria]

she may seem outwardly to have it all, but she sounds insecure and possibly jealous - a touch narcissistic even. She also sounds like she doesn't want you to be happy, which isn't very nice. Undermining your efforts to find a partner is vile and the comments about your physical appearance are cruel at best. It sounds like she would rather you remained in the slightly downtrodden singleton friend role, which by comparison makes her "I have it all" life seem all the more fabulous. I would put money on her actually being a very one dimensional and shallow person, she probably doesn't regard you as a friend - more as a person to reflect how much better she is.

I used to be friends with someone like this. She always picked and criticised. Her gifts were always given with a grand flourish of how much thought went into them, when in fact more often than not they were clearly her cast-offs. When DH, DS and I moved in together she came to visit. She started with "how can you afford to live in a house this big...?", "I found the perfect wedding dress for you, it's £200 from China - who cares if it is polyester, why make a fuss over a poxy dress" and ended with "are you really going to get married because my husband wants to go on the Lions tour and I will book him tickets if you don't think you will". Bear in mind I had uprooted DS and myself 300 miles to live with DH and had sent invitations out AND she was supposed to be my maid of honour!! I finally cut her out of my life, which was difficult as she had been part of my life for 23 years and was DS's godmother. Turns out DS had always hated her - great judge of character that boy

[MsGainzly]

Next time she says something I will try to grit my teeth and speak to her. Thanks for the suggestion of what to say Kaykay - I like the way it comes across - very calm and reasonable.

I think it may be like you said Sandy, and the dynamic has become very entrenched. Which is just as much my fault as hers I guess.

And you're right Argh, maybe I'm wrong. It's very hard to get an objective view point on these things when you're there in the middle of them.

[MsGainzly]

Asteria isn't it funny that when it comes to other people it is much easier to see things clearly. I read your post and immediately think, 'God, that woman didn't deserve your friendship!' But when it's me, I automatically assume that it's me with the problem.

[AbbieHoffmansAfro]

Possibly, she feels that her ability to say these kinds of things to you serves to highlight her special status as your closest or longest-standing friend, kind of 'Oh it's ok, we've known each other so long, we can say anything to each other.' Still not acceptable.

Why she does it matters much less than the fact you don't like it. Concentrate on that. Because even if she said these things with the best of motives, they were insensitive and unkindly put, and it is fine for you to complain about that.

[TeaForTara]

Irrespective of what she says, how does she act? If you needed help, would she inconvenience herself to provide it? Or does she frequently arrange to meet you then cancel at short notice because something better urgent has cropped up? Actions speak louder than words in determining whether someone is a good friend or not.

If her actions show her to be a good friend then yes, do tell her that her words have made you uncomfortable at times. If her actions show the opposite then just stop seeing her.

[Asteria]

MzGainzly - I felt exactly the same way for years. She conditioned me to feel grateful for the honour of being her friend! It took a long time and her vile behaviour over my wedding for me to realise that we were in an emotionally abusive relationship. If she was a man then everyone would be yelling at you to do her and run for the hills. My personal rule now is "would I accept this treatment from a boyfriend/partner?"

[MsGainzly]

I think you may be onto something there Abbie. We have known each other a very long time and have seen each other through some fairly major life crises, so it's very possible that she believes she can be more open and honest with me about what she thinks.

The thing is though - she wasn't very open and honest. The comments she made were a bit backhanded. It wasn't like she sat me down and said, "Look, I think you're going for men who are out of your league and that you will get disappointed and rejected as a result." Instead she made bitchy sounding side swipes.

The photos my friend took were lovely and showed me in my best light, it's true. But they were recent, unaltered, and included a very clear head shot and full length shot. I think they were a fair representation of how I look when I've made an effort and am looking my best.

[MsGainzly]

TeaForTara she is someone I would feel comfortable phoning in the middle of the night if I had to. She's not always 100% reliable, but she does make an effort and if it came down to a crisis, I believe she would be there.

I would never just cut her out. The friendship means a lot to me.

[SandyJ2014]

Don't blame yourself in any way for the fact that it might have become an entrenched dynamic. It is so hard to pull people up on personal comments because you can be too shocked and/or it's not immediately clear that it's hurtful.

It is lovely that the friendship means a lot to you and I think all the more reason to broach this with her very clearly albeit in a non-confrontational way. Maybe preface the discussion with an acknowledgement of how much you value her friendship and this is why you feel you need to explain something to her.

Hope I'm not being bossy!! I have faced this situation and just know how difficult it is :-)

[ninetynineonehundred]

A real friend would have told you how amazing you look in the photo, but no more amazing than you look in real life.
Would have looked at the guys and said 'yep, he looks perfect for you, go for it. You deserve a decent and hot one after x'.
People aren't as dumb as they act. They really do know when they are saying something hurtful. Even the nice ones.

[AtrociousCircumstance]

Exactly what ninetynine said ^

[Cricrichan]

I will give my opinion if asked and if I felt a friend was going down the wrong road then I would speak to her. If asked I will be truthful but in a positive way iykwim.

But your friend sounds nasty. It might be that she likes the way you are needing her rather than being happy and independent? I would never tell my friends that they were out if someone's league simply because my friends are brilliant and I live them and I think that anybody they choose is bloody lucky to have them!! And in my experience my friends have thought the same of me.