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(Almost) married man wants to use me as a 'free pass'?

(76 Posts)
eli004 Thu 26-Jun-14 20:55:20

I have had a close male friend for 4 years and recently he's making me feel really weird and uncomfortable. We are both in our late 20s - he is engaged and getting married in a month to a woman he's been with 10 years. I am newly single after a long term relationship broke up.

The other night, we were chatting as we often do and we started talking about how I was single again. I said that the break up had affected me badly and I miss lots of things about being with my ex. Talk turned to things like living with a partner, sex, etc and initially it was all platonic.

It got odd when he started talking about how he's always liked me and he turned one of our friends down when she came on to him on a night out as he secretly wanted to get together with me (he was still with his fiancee back then, who was his gf at the time.) I was a bit confused about this and didn't really know why he was talking about it.

Over the last few days he's been saying that his DP cheated on him years ago and she has said he is allowed a 'free pass' to sleep with someone he wants, as this is apparently fair. I find this ridiculous. He is really keen for things to move further and he wants our relationship to become sexual as apparently his DP won't mind.

I don't want to lose him as a friend and although I find him attractive, I definitely don't want to get involved in this as it's more trouble than it's worth. I definitely don't want to break up his relationship. He seems to be insulted every time I say I'm not going there and is desperate for me to watch him do sexual things on webcam etc. He keeps telling me I need to relax and stop being uptight as he has a free pass.

Should I just stay well away from him? He's making me feel really uncomfortable.

foadmn Thu 26-Jun-14 20:57:31

seriously, keep away. free pass or not. as if. you're only worth that, are you? to be his 'free pass' shag? sounds to me like he's on his way to being an ex-friend.

gamerchick Thu 26-Jun-14 20:58:21

Erm yeah tell him to knob off.

Or say you're going to check with his girlfriend first. Either way it sounds like your friendship has ended.

movingtoourwillow Thu 26-Jun-14 20:58:51

Tell him to fuck off, sounds like you have more self-respect than that. Are you friends with his fiancee too? What a creep.

CanaryYellow Thu 26-Jun-14 20:59:37

He sounds like a real creepy fucker.

I think you need to be more choosy about your 'friends'.

Kerryp Thu 26-Jun-14 21:00:36

Tell him to piss off, I don't know why you'd even want him as a friend. No means no. Can't be done with cheaters.

Mouldypineapple Thu 26-Jun-14 21:00:51

Run away!! Very inappropriate behaviour. And hardly what should be expected from someone about to get married! Do you know his fiancé? If so you could drop unsubtle hints perhaps, or even tell her outright what he's up to. I certainly wouldn't want to marry someone who thinks that behaviour is right.

eli004 Thu 26-Jun-14 21:01:09

The disappointing thing is, up until now he has always been lovely and supportive and not creepy at all. So this has come as a real shock. I said to him that I don't want to be used for sex and he gave me a big speech about how much I mean to him as a friend and how much he cares about me and is so glad we are close and apologised for overstepping the mark. But the next day he was exactly the same.

Tommy Thu 26-Jun-14 21:01:11

"free pass"???? I think you're well rid of him - and if the fiancee is a friend (or even if she isn't) she'd be well rid of him too

AndHarry Thu 26-Jun-14 21:01:23

If he's making you feel uncomfortable and is getting pushy when you tell him so then he sounds aggressive and unpleasant. His behaviour would scare me and I would be distancing myself from him.

Melonbreath Thu 26-Jun-14 21:02:21

You want to stay friends with this bell end?

passmethewineplease Thu 26-Jun-14 21:02:24

He sounds like a creep.

Lucked Thu 26-Jun-14 21:07:31

Personally I would tell him to "bugger off, you creep" but there would be part of me that would want to wind him up so if he mentioned it again I would text him " just have to meet up with your DF to check about this free pass, is she about for coffee this week?"

But no don't touch him with someone else's barge pole. The poor DF, imagine marrying that scrot!

eli004 Thu 26-Jun-14 21:07:48

I don't really know his DP so can't ask her. I asked him why he's even getting married if he wants to do things like this and he just said that's the kind of relationship they have and she doesn't mind.

I find this hard to believe though. When I see them in photos together they look like a normal couple, not odd or distant. Plus I would be really angry if I was her and I found out my DP (who I was marrying in a month) was acting this way.

It's just so disappointing. Why did he have to complicate things like this and ruin a good friendship? angry

magoria Thu 26-Jun-14 21:10:30

I wonder if his fiancee knows she has cheated and given him a free pass.

What are the rules?

Is this free pass a once off or as many times as the pair of you feel like it? How long is it for? Until he is married or does it carry on after?

You have told him no and he has carried on exactly the same. He also insult you and calls you uptight when you don't want to get involved on cam.

Where is the respect for you and your friendship in that?

If that is the respect he has for you now, what will it be like after?

He as the others have said sounds like a creep. He sounds to me like a man who knows you are vulnerable and he can play on your naturally lowered self esteem to get his leg over.

LulaPalooza Thu 26-Jun-14 21:10:59

The answer is in your thread title... "wants to use me"

He's not a friend

YellowTulips Thu 26-Jun-14 21:14:00

You have not ruined a good friendship - he has.

Does he realise how insulting he is being to both you and his partner ? Scrub that - clearly not.

Tell him in no uncertain terms to piss off. Then go no contact. He's not your friend - he's a faithless, insulting, deluded twat.

Monty27 Thu 26-Jun-14 21:14:36

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

LoveSardines Thu 26-Jun-14 21:18:50


4 years you've been friends with him and now he pulls this shit. Why WHY do some men do this? The whole thing where you're going along quite happily thinking it's all platonic and fine and you get on well and then suddenly it's all them harbouring stuff and going fucking weird.

I'm afraid your only option is to write him off. What a fucking waste of a 4 year friendship. He doesn't seem to understand that while he has a free pass (HA!) to sleep with you, you also get a say in matters. You have said no and he persists. That is out of line and frankly I'd be very surprised if his GF knew anyway so really you need to just ditch him.

I am so sorry.

EllaFitzgerald Thu 26-Jun-14 21:19:07

So YOU need to relax because HE has a free pass? He doesn't seem to realise that you're the only one who gets to choose who you sleep with! What an arrogant arse.

And what sort of person would forgive their partner on the condition he gets to be unfaithful too? Think we can all guess how that relationship is going to work out. I wonder whether his fiancée knows he has a 'free pass'

LineRunner Thu 26-Jun-14 21:21:14

I would definitely want to lose him as a friend.


lavenderhoney Thu 26-Jun-14 21:22:28

I'd stop chatting to him instantly. He's not the friend you thought he was. You talk every day and on webcam? This guy should be worrying about his wedding going well, not gossiping with someone his fiancé doesn't know. I bet she doesn't know he talks to you in quite so much intimate detailsmile

He probably thought you talked about missing sex as a come on and now can't see why his selfless offer of a good seeing to hasn't been taken up.

Are you invited to the wedding? That could be awkward. I hope you don't drink and become loquacious. And can run in heels if you do.

myusernameis Thu 26-Jun-14 21:23:01

Apparently his fiancée does not mind him sleeping with someone else but he doesn't seem to care whether you mind or not! You've told him you're not interested and he should respect that. The fact he has continued to ask suggests that he doesn't really care what you want.

Personally I wouldn't want to be friends with this man anymore.

eli004 Thu 26-Jun-14 21:27:06

To people suggesting I might take him up on this - I wouldn't and I've been clear about that. So there will be nothing happening and no need to face his fiancee. I have been invited to his wedding reception but I'm not going.

Agree with what LoveSardines said - you have summed up how I feel. It's just a waste of a friendship and it's a bit gutting as I have lost friends recently through distance, my recent breakup through them taking sides etc. so really value the ones I have and want to keep them. Seems like I've now lost another one.

YellowTulips Thu 26-Jun-14 21:43:27

You lost someone you thought was a friend. He has shown you he is not.

Yes it's gutting but better know now than in 10 years.


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