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Am I doing the right thing?

(25 Posts)
Bleedinheck Wed 25-Jun-14 21:17:57

I have been having some real issues with my partner for quite some time now and have decided I need to leave but I don't know if I am going around it the right way.

I currently live with DP and my DD at first our relationship was great. I got with him because he was kind and considerate. We got engaged and I fell pregnant.

After I had DD I lost all self confidence and we lost all intimacy, I mention this because I imagine it probably contributed to our problems. DP is a fabulous dad bit I honestly feel like I am being bullied. He picks at every little thing that I do wrong and then laughs at me if I cry. I have lost count of the times that he has called me a silly bitch or told me to fuck off.

More recently he has thrown a show at me and grabbed me by the hair both times saying I had caused it. I know I need to get out but I feel like I am taking the cowards way.

I have applied for a house for me and my daughter and my application is currently being processed. I know I need to tell him but I what I really want to do is just leave if they accept my application.

My concerns are whether he will be able to afford our current house alone and how upset he will be.

I need to be honest with him don't i?

Bleedinheck Wed 25-Jun-14 21:19:03

Thrown a shoe that should be

VitoCorleone Wed 25-Jun-14 21:22:59

You are definitely doing the right thing, in fact i could have wrote your post except i had a mobile phone thrown at me and only had my hair grabbed once.

Don't worry about him, get out now before this escalates

JustSquirted Wed 25-Jun-14 21:24:54

No, you don't need to tell him. You want to, because it's the nice thing to do. But he's not deserving of nice treatment is he OP?
Make your plans and go. Let him worry about himself. He's a grown man and responsible for his actions.

Bleedinheck Wed 25-Jun-14 21:35:47

My plan is to just wait until he's at work and take everything we need which is just horrible isn't it?

Lweji Wed 25-Jun-14 21:41:05

You are doing it in the safest way for yourself and your DD. He has become physically abusive and the most dangerous time for women is when they leave.

Don't feel bad about it. Seriously.

Bleedinheck Wed 25-Jun-14 21:42:38

I'm scared I am going to change my mind. It has taken me so long to put my application in and I don't want anything to sway me now!

frames Wed 25-Jun-14 21:47:18

This is hard. Please think about your dd. Would you want her to be in a relationship with a dp who behaves like this? If the answer is, no, then you need to leave, and show her that it is unacceptable.

AnyoneForTennis Wed 25-Jun-14 21:52:09

It might be a long long time before you get a house.... You aren't priority so I'm thinking you shouldn't get your hopes up

Make a plan b

Lweji Wed 25-Jun-14 21:58:46

You should contact Women's Aid for advice and support.

He is abusive, down to DV, so to protect yourself you have had to leave your house and have been made homeless. In fact, you should report the events to the police. You can ring them on the non-emergency number 101.

You should be concerned about how upset he will be only to make sure he doesn't take it on you. And fuck whether he'll be able to afford the current house or not.

Do not wait until it gets worse.

Bleedinheck Wed 25-Jun-14 22:02:05

It is a let to buy property so the application process it fairly short. I should find out over the next couple of days whether we have got it

Lweji Wed 25-Jun-14 22:08:42

Good luck and stay safe.

Bleedinheck Wed 25-Jun-14 22:23:12

Thanks for all the lovely responses ladies

Twinklestein Wed 25-Jun-14 23:56:29

Not horrible at all, it's the recommended way to leave abusive men. You're doing exactly the right thing. Good luck x

Tinks42 Wed 25-Jun-14 23:59:58

Well done you! Stay strong and leave anyway, go get out, go to a refuge if you have to.

EverythingCounts Thu 26-Jun-14 00:02:40

If he's going to be 'upset' by you leaving, then he should have thought about how 'upset' you might be to have things thrown at you and called horrible names. Don't think you owe him anything. He has brought any troubles that come of it all on himself.

Bleedinheck Sat 28-Jun-14 20:34:59

Well i have been offered the house and then received a call from the estate agents as they had been called for a reference.

They said I need to give notice which is fine but that my partner needs to go in and see them as it is a joint tenancy! I guess it is time to tell him.

ftmsoon Sun 29-Jun-14 03:47:52

Do you need to give notice? Surely he will need to continue living there? Can you explain to estate agent you are not giving notice, as he will still be living in the house? Avoiding the issue of telling him a bit longer.

AcrossthePond55 Sun 29-Jun-14 04:13:03

I would contact WA about this. They may have dealt with what to do in your case. Frankly, unless you would end up in legal trouble I'd just tell the current agent that I'm not leaving & leave anyway. It'll be his lookout what happens next as far as the current residence.

When is the soonest you can take the new house? If push comes to shove with the current agent, is there a place you can go in the interim rather than tell your DP that you are leaving & he must see the agent re the current house?

Bleedinheck Sun 29-Jun-14 07:18:53

I can move in whenever I want now.

I don't really understand about the current house buy she said I need to give notice but because it is a joint tenancy he would also need to tell her whether he wants to stay on here or not.

I may give WA a call but I feel a little like I am wasting their time

petalsandstars Sun 29-Jun-14 07:36:30

If you can move in now then I would get yourself and DD with everything you want to take with you into the new place first. Tell someone else - family or friends who could help you. And then once you are safely in your new place give notice on your old place. If you must tell XDP in person then do it in a public place with someone else with you to reduce the liklihood of him kicking off. The notice will just be to do with money- they won't care you have already moved out so long as you pay for that month.

Don't tell him just the 2 of you and the child in your old place. That will be the most dangerous thing to do. He's already been violent to you.

Good luck

tellmeastory Sun 29-Jun-14 07:52:58

You will not be wasting WA's time, they are there to help women in abusive relationships and your partner's behaviour is abusive.

You could also log his behaviour with 101, I believe you can just log behaviour and they won't take it any further at this stage, it may be useful in the future to have a record somewhere of what he has done, why you feel you have to leave. And/or speak to your GP/Health visitor, get as much support as you can.

Leaving can be the most dangerous time, and he has already progressed to physical abuse, I wouldn't tell him alone that you plan to leave. I think speaking to WA may be the best course of action, they could help you to leave safely.

Lweji Sun 29-Jun-14 09:08:39

Listen to the ops about being safe.

You can give notice in what you are concerned and he can then decide to stay on and pay all the rent or give notice himself and move out.
You are basically giving notice to your ex and to the landlord.

But, whatever you so, choose the safest path. Have people around when you move, or move when he's away. Preferably both.
And ring 101 or even 999 if you feel in any way threatened.

AcrossthePond55 Sun 29-Jun-14 15:23:42

If you can go any time, go now. As another poster said, you can give notice after. I know it's scary to have to move quickly, but since your current agent knows you plan to leave, you run the risk of DP being told or contacted.

Try to enlist a friend/relative to help move things along quickly. My DH arranged to get BFF's husband away overnight camping whilst 3 of us got her and her things moved to her new place. This after she told him she was leaving and he threatened her & said 'You will leave when I tell you to leave'.

Today, make a list (mental or paper) of the things you wish to take with you. Try to keep it to a minimum at first. Hopefully, you will be able to retrieve more later. Try to enlist help from others in moving. You may be surprised at what a group of mums can do! When BFF moved, it was 3 mums plus her teenage SS and his friend. Then leave this week if possible, next at the latest.

AcrossthePond55 Wed 02-Jul-14 15:03:23

Hoping you are OK and have moved into your new home

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