Better to have bills in my name or his?

[roland83]

Hi everyone,

I rent a house with my boyfriend of over 5 years.

We have horrible arguments frequently because of the way he talks to me when we disagree over something usually quite minor. Everything will be fine for a month or two, we will have a disagreement over something like the TV, or my view on something and he will turn funny with me and usually make a snappy remark that I take to heart, he see's he's upset me and in a very childish way will then make the situation worse and an argument starts. I try to reason with him and control the situation to stop it escalating, but I can already see he's changed in his face and there's usually no salvaging it.

I hate to back down. If I think someone has been rude or unfair towards me I will try and talk it through and make them see that I don't find it acceptable to be spoken to like that, I'm very strong willed and I think he's trying to "break me" a lot of the time.

Anyhow, I know it's shit, I hate him when he says some nasty stuff to me and I vow to leave, then he's really sorry etc etc and I stay because it's easier than the big upheaval.

Well, the house and all bills are in my name, apart from the council tax as I was a student when we moved in and it defaulted to his name first.

In arguments he complains that I sort all the bills out, even though he wanted this when we first moved in. He pays me a set amount each month for half the bills.

Is it better to have them in my name? I feel like arranging to have them all put in his name and then if/when the day comes that I want to leave it'll make it all a bit easier for me to just walk out the door. He has threatened not to pay his half of the bills a few days before it was due, knowing I didn't have the money to cover it.

A lot of the time he makes empty threats, but usually he preys on any vulnerable part of things, like if he knows I'm short of money because I've made a large purchase, e.g a car / new equipment for my business, in the argument he will use it against me.

Sorry for waffling!

Anyway, my question is, is it better to transfer them to his name now, or keep it in my name?

He says if we split I should leave, he refuses to. So if we split I would most likely leave as he wouldn't and I also don't want to live here, I would move closer to friends.

[HauntedNoddyCar]

The last thing you want is to transfer them into his sole name. As a compromise you may be able to add him to the account too. DH and I usually have bills in both names so both of us have control.

If things are rocky I'd be inclined not to add him though.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

Is the rental agreement solely in your name?. If so, he truly does have
a brass neck in asking you to leave. Can you give notice on the tenancy agreement, you state you don't want to live there any longer.

And yes he is trying to "break" you. Such emotionally abusive men often like strong women with inwardly shaky self worth because they see it as a challenge to indeed bring them down to their level. Your man is simply trying to drag you down with him.

Such cocklodger type men often refuse to leave but no man is above the law here. I would seek legal advice asap as to where you exactly stand and have him removed from this residence.

[roland83]

It's a joint tenancy agreement.

The only reason I haven't left is because of the usual;

1. Can't afford it yet
   
2. When it's good it's good
   
3. Don't want to be on my own
   
   There is a massive backstory to his emotional abuse of me.. it's pretty tragic really, and I've changed as a person and become so angry in arguments that I shout and swear at him (when arguing) because I'm so unhappy and frustrated. He spends the whole argument shouting personal attacks at me, criticism, threats towards my business etc.. He even shouted that my mum moved abroad because she hates me and couldn't wait to get away from me.
   
   He acts very sorry later on and says he understands etc, but why does it take so long for him to realise, if he actually does, I suspect he's lying for an easy life. In day to day life he's very nice, he's tidy, complimentary and supportive.. I don't understand what is wrong with him? He hates himself for the things he says, but he lies in arguments to hurt me and I've got to the point where I don't know what he really thinks and I don't trust him.
   
   Also, after 5 yrs together we aren't engaged and I asked him why and he said "he's not ready".. the state of our relationship aside, I'm not happy with that, I feel he's waiting for someone better.
   
   Sorry for going on again.

[unrealhousewife]

If bills are in your name you have a better credit rating.

Contact Gingerbread, they will give financial and legal advice.

[unrealhousewife]

And kick him out. Rent a room in a shared house if you haven't got children.

[roland83]

He's got plenty of money, I earn the same as him but have invested a lot in my business and so everything is tied up in that.. hence why I'm trying to save for moving but also every time it happens I'm hoping he'll change.

I like being with him, but not when he's like that and I really do think I can find someone nicer.

I said to him that I felt like he was waiting until I either lost weight or had lots of money, and he said, well that's not far off the truth.

My business is doing well and has great prospects and I think he's waiting to see if I'll make a lot of money and then he'll stay. I'm overweight, but in my opinion he should love me as I am, I was overweight when we met.

Just another dig at my self esteem I guess.

I just can't work out if he's bullshitting in arguments to hurt me or if he really means it!

[roland83]

Just to add, he would never miss any bills and they would always be paid, I know that much about him.

Just trying to do what's best for me in the long run, every time I think of the logistics of leaving I come up against a brick wall and that's paying the existing bills, the new deposit, and new bills.. and that I'd be liable for old bills too maybe?

I can't rent a room as I work from home and my job is noisy, I use machinery and so that's not possible.

[Mouldypineapple]

Say goodbye... Sooner rather than later!

[unrealhousewife]

Rent a studio space for work? It's a business expense anyway.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

Roland

re your comment:-

"The only reason I haven't left is because of the usual;

1. Can't afford it yet
   
2. When it's good it's good
   
3. Don't want to be on my own"
   
   Two and three are completely spurious reasons for staying within this non relationship.
   
   How often is it "good" now?. If you were to think about it more you would likely come to the conclusions that its only good for him and the supposed good times you've shared are now really non existent.
   
   You do not need such a man to validate you; all this bod is doing is dragging you down with him. He cannot bear to see you happy, he wants you to be as unhappy as he is. Three is a particularly bad reason for being with him now; you would be honestly better off on your own. Its not awful being on your own and at least you would be no longer in what is amounting here to an abusive relationship.
   
   He's likely been abusing you for at least the last couple of years now, such abuse is insidious in its onset and ramps up over time. You owe it to your own self to leave this man and forge your own path without him in it. Being with him will just bring you more misery and pain, he is not worth any of this. I doubt very much he would marry you anyway as he seems quite happy as he is, he's just dragging you along because you're there and are currently putting up with this.
   
   No obstable is insurmountable.
   
   Why are you settling for so little?
   
   His comment in response to you:-
   I said to him that I felt like he was waiting until I either lost weight or had lots of money, and he said, well that's not far off the truth.
   
   That's enough justification alone for you to get rid of this millstone you hang around your neck. There are no medals handed out for being with such abusive people. He is and has never been your project to rescue and or save.
   
   I would agree with a studio space for your business, could you do this as a business expense?.

[Butterflyspring]

it doesn't matter whose name the bills are in - if you both live there and use the energy then you are both liable equally.

But that isn't really the issue here is it?

You need to get away and asap.

[roland83]

My acceptable level of abusive from him gets higher and higher, and I seem to get more miserable.

The weight / money thing, he didn't even say that in anger! He was at the starting to be rational stage and I think he was being a little too honest and gave himself away. He also said he's spoken to people at work about things, (he later said he lied about this), and they said "why are you with her if you are that into her?".

Like I say, I have no idea what is true and what is lies.

We had a rough patch at xmas and he went looking on Plenty of Fish, he didn't register but looked at profile in our area two days in a row. He used this against me in an argument, said he'd been on a dating site to "line the next one up", and when he went out I looked at his iPad and found it in his history.. He didn't know that I knew his PIN code. I knew he would say that he only said it to hurt me once he'd calmed down and I wanted to know.

The funny thing is, he's the one that is controlling, jealous, possessive etc.. yeh ALWAYS says I am, and that I try to control him and stop him having a social life.

The truth is, he has 1 friend, and they hardly see eachother, not what I would regard as a "best" friend, if you see what I mean. I encourage him to go out and play sport with this friend, I encourage him to do whatever he likes to be truthful, I have no idea why he says those things as when I pin him down over it he admits he can't truthfully accuse me of that.

It's like he sits there and blames me for everything that is shit in his life, whether it's true or not!? Madness. I feel constantly judged.

He's been like this for at least 4yrs now, getting slowly worse yes.

I'm 31 now, and have decided that I don't want to waste my 30's with him, but I'm so stressed at the thought of moving on. I don't have family nearby, just my best friend and his family, who have been a great support to me, no romantic involvement, he's married with kids.

He's ruined everything, I no longer love him really, just with him out of habit I suppose.

[roland83]

Why are you with her if you're NOT that into her

Sorry, my error there.. makes me wonder what he had said to them and if he was lying to me or not. I think he just says it to hurt me as he's very private and secretive and I can't imagine he would say anything to anyone at work.

[roland83]

He also said;

No woman is telling me what to do

He was raised by his mum alone, so I'm suprised by that comment. He's never come across that way before.

His mum doesn't like me and has nothing to do with me either, she's a very strange person, and so is he. He doesn't like anyone! He doesn't socialise with work mates, he doesn't have any friends, but one.. He is socially awkward, and when we first got together we knew the same people through a hobby, he slowly turned me against every one of them by commenting on stuff and making a big deal out of things... I didn't see it at the time unfortunately.

[HauntedNoddyCar]

I'd like to withdraw my suggestion of bills in joint names actually based on your further posts and stick with them solely in your name.

[unrealhousewife]

I hear you Roland, but what are you going to do about it?

You want to leave then blimmin well do it! Why can't you leave?

[EBearhug]

Keep them in your name. There are loads of things these days which want to see utility bills in your name as a form of ID, and it helps your credit references to have them in your name. If you leave him, you will need all this.