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Is he Walter Mitty or am I with a thug?

(22 Posts)
splendidpup Mon 16-Jun-14 09:00:35

I'm baffled by this.

Sometimes when DP is drunk he'll tell me an anecdote that he repeats, and it gets wilder and more exaggerated each time. and the weird thing is that what he tells me are things that are offputting about him. It's almost as if he is looking for a reaction, or thinks in some way I'll be impressed or he's bigging himself up, but it's all stuff that makes me think either he's making it up and being a twat if he thinks it would have impressed me, or it's true and it's stuff I don't like. I 95% think it's made up. He then later retracts what he said and can't explain why he said it. I 5% think it might be true as from comments from one or two people he knows, and things he's told me when he was sober, make it clear he was quite a 'lad' in his past.

It's just weird. Why tell me these things?

- according to him he gets chatted up quite a lot. The last anecdote was about being chatted up by a 67 year old woman. These ones make me laugh - he's a sociable chatty sort of bloke, and I wouldn't be surprised if he's one who takes a friendly response as a chat up. That, or he's making it all up all together. If he's trying to make me jealous it doesn't work, I just think he's making himself sound silly, and wonder what he's trying to achieve with these stories.

I'm more worried about his argument stories, in case they are true. (I don't think they are, but they could be). He tells me about an argument with someone and the story gets wilder and wilder with more and more swearing involved, and actual/threatened violence on his part. Last one he had an argument with a shop keeper and the story ended up with him threatening to smash up their shop. And before that he complained in the Post Office and the story developed over several tellings to involve loads of 'get me the fucking manager now' ranting type of thing (then the next day he said of course he hadn't actually sworn at them). Before that he ran into someone he didn't like who mentioned knowing where we live and the story started off with him telling this man it's none of his business where we live, and after a couple of repeats had him holding this man by the throat and threatening him to keep away from us.

DP has been in fights in the past (I know this is true) but he's in his 50s for goodness sake and should have grown out of all this. I'm also not impressed by it. He also talks about knowing all the local 'bad' people and hard men and keeping on their good side but not being one of them himself (at which I roll my eyes, hard men are dicks as far as I'm concerned).

DP acts normal, looks normal, has a normal family, is not aggressive or nasty to anyone that I've seen. People we meet are friendly and not nervous or anything around him - he knows loads of people in this town and we are constantly bumping into people saying hi to him. (I'm not from round here).

I'm pretty sure he's exaggerating and making these things up. Anyone got any theories why? Or do you think it's possible they are true and he's just letting his true side show to me when he's drunk? He knows I wouldn't want to be with a thug type.

DeepThought Mon 16-Jun-14 09:09:23

I think you are with a thug type

Have you been together long? I would be planning an exit strategy tbf

Quitelikely Mon 16-Jun-14 09:13:31

I would ask him about all this when he is sober. Threatening the shop keeper etc is not very good!

SouthernComforts Mon 16-Jun-14 09:13:41

He sounds pathetic.

I work in pubs and meet a lot of men who tell stories like this to impress and/or intimidate.

Quitelikely Mon 16-Jun-14 09:13:50

How l

Quitelikely Mon 16-Jun-14 09:14:05

Long have you been together?

BertieBotts Mon 16-Jun-14 09:17:42

No idea why they do it but my ex used to do this as well. He was younger so I think there was a bit of bravado but I think it was a case of him wanting to be "hard" but not really having the courage to go all out so it would all come out in convoluted stories, but day to day he would come across as perfectly pleasant (and also very popular - he used to fix computers and knew everyone). He even had a story about how an (adult) babysitter had come onto him when he was 14 confused I'm sure that one was made up! But also coupled with a bit of an anger problem which came out with certain triggers - often drink, sometimes just a particular thing someone had said. I saw his blind rage face once, just once, and it terrified the shit out of me. He wasn't him. And then of course that story became a "hilarious anecdote", but it wasn't funny.

Unsurprisingly he turned out to be a total jerk and abusive bastard. Run.

BertieBotts Mon 16-Jun-14 09:18:59

Oh god and now I remember, he was convinced that my mum fancied him, my sister fancied him, other things like that. Gross gross gross.

LineRunner Mon 16-Jun-14 09:19:24

How bizarre. Lots of men have been 'lads' but they normally tell those tales in an almost embarrassed, self-deprecating way.

For a man in his 50s to be boasting drunkenly about aggressive behaviour isn't good. He us giving you a description of himself - and it isn't pleasant.

I think I would detach, personally.

And it sounds really boring, as well.

splendidpup Mon 16-Jun-14 09:20:47

18 months. He's not aggressive with or around me in the slightest. He works in quite a 'macho' trade environment, and his background is kinda trad old-style laddish Labour working class (mum does everything, dad sits on his butt, dad took him to see strippers lunchtimes when he was younger as in same trade and they all used to go, lots of football, you know how it goes) but he's new man as far as equality/cooking/cleaning etc goes and not like that now. He's got a very academic daughter he is proud of and encourages. So his behaviour doesn't add up to mindless thug. Also he's skint - the local thugs all have dodgy stuff going on and plenty of money.

LineRunner Mon 16-Jun-14 09:22:13

Well I'd just dump him for telling weird and tedious stories, then.

splendidpup Mon 16-Jun-14 09:22:38

And it sounds really boring, as well.

Yes. Yes it is.

Quitelikely Mon 16-Jun-14 09:23:30

Well you say Walter Mitty or thug? Ask yourself if you want either. Don't think I would tbh!

EhricLovesTheBhrothers Mon 16-Jun-14 09:33:07

Either way it's pretty nasty isn't it?

LumpySpacedPrincess Mon 16-Jun-14 09:36:03

Either he has done these things and he's a knob.

Or he hasn't and he's a knob for making them up.

Doesn't say much for his character either way.

Lesshastemorespeed Mon 16-Jun-14 09:44:26

I have a friend like this. All her stories are based on truth, I believe, but have been exaggerated out of all recognition.

For instance, she was bullied mercilessly at school, had few friends and was a very quiet, well behaved student. She now tells stories of how 'crazy' we all were at school and how she hilariously provoked the teachers. These things happened, but she was not part of it at the time.

I am expected to go along with and corroborate these tales. I find it really hard not to, and only really set her straight when she fabricates something for me too.

I love her, and she's great company. She is now very gregarious and popular so I don't want to burst her bubble, but it would drive me mad to live with that constant level of fantasy.

splendidpup Mon 16-Jun-14 09:46:03

'Either he has done these things and he's a knob.Or he hasn't and he's a knob for making them up.Doesn't say much for his character either way.'

I know, that's what I keep thinking. He hadn't done it for a while then this weekend there were two such stories. Such a shame as otherwise he seems lovely. I'm not aware that he has lied to me about anything actually important to us.

I just don't know what to think. On the one hand, if he is thuggish I'd rather know and not have him hide it from me (so I can decide this isn't what I want). On the other hand, if he's making it all up, wtaf? Why does his think this would impress me? Or anyone other than thuggish twats? Is his idea of masculinity so skewed?

LineRunner Mon 16-Jun-14 09:54:11

You've got nothing to lose by talking to him about it really honestly, and telling him how you feel.

Jux Mon 16-Jun-14 10:40:21

Ask him. Ask him why he makes all this stuff up. Assume it is made up for the moment, and just ask.

BertieBotts Mon 16-Jun-14 11:08:10

Yeah, why don't you just say, look, I'm not impressed by these stories, in actual fact they're making me go off you a bit. What's the deal?

Miggsie Mon 16-Jun-14 11:13:06

He may be trying to reconcile a traditional view of masculinity with what he actually is - he may feel he is "less" of a man because he is actually nicer than this picture he paints of what he used to do. He also may have negative feelings about his dad's version of masculinity and is trying to emulate him a bit (as he may feel disloyal to his father for not embracing that lifestyle)

Perhaps he feels you might leave him if he isn't enough of a "man".

I would ask him why he feels the need to talk about such things - does he feel it will impress you?

LumpySpacedPrincess Mon 16-Jun-14 17:43:15

Confront him about it. Asks if they are true and if they aren't why he is making stuff up.

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