Getting to know yourself, advice please

[Littlebme12]

Looking for a bit of advice / guidance from people who may have been through this or know someone who has.

I feel like Iv come to a point in my life where I need to take some time to concentrate on myself, get to know who I really am and although I Know what I Want from a relationship I seem to throw it out of the window when it actually boils down to it. Hence im again single with three kids.

To cut a long story short I was in ea relationship ages 16-30 two dc, left and had a rebound relationship and ds which has now ended. This relationship had its own issues but In being honest with myself I can see that from the start I wasnt making the best choices.

I feel I am defined by being a mum. I have a couple of good friends but no real social circle no interests or hobbies and find it very difficult due to kids work and childcare to do anything outside of home. I Want to find out who I am what really makes me tick and work out how to get what I Want from life. I feel like im having a mid life crisis type of thing! I also don't want to repeat past mistakes and end up feeling the same way over and over in relationships.

Any wise words, experiences, recommended books to work through this stuff?

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

What were you interested in before you had kids? If you met yourself age 11 and asked her what she wanted to be, what would she say? What do your family and friends see as your best attributes? (Sometimes it's easier to ask others if you're struggling to see it yourself)

11 yo me wanted to be a writer and pre-DS I was heavily involved in music/drama that kind of thing. So I found a music group that meets once a week locally, booked a babysitter to come every week rain or shine, and I write in my spare time.

[Littlebme12]

Oh god, can't remember who I was before kids! Bit of a mess in a crazy relationship!

Poor 11 year old me - this is hard to think back on. I was taking piano lessons and never finished and I would love to have ago at that. Loved reading, oh i was a little introvert.

The babysitter is a great idea, seems obvious now. Some me time every week is definitely needed. Thanks for the idea.

[twentyten]

You're right- bit of time and space. Have a look at this- www.suzygreaves.com/the-big-peace/
Some great ideas and it's free- with a charity donation. Might help structure your thinking.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

If you like reading you might find a local book group that meets regularly. Never too late to pick back up on piano lessons - thinking of doing it myself actually - and I've always found music a good way to meet people. The regular babysitter booking got me around those inevitable days when I'd get home from work and wonder if I could be bothered going out.... sort of felt obliged to.

Keep thinking! You're in there somewhere. :)

[CurtWild]

Finding yourself again is a bit of a struggle after EA relationship plus being a mum. I'm only 3 months out of my EA marriage and still feel my only definition right now is 'mummy', which is fine as my DC are very small. But. My 11 year old self also wanted to be a writer. I wrote quite prolifically in the early days of my marriage, sent manuscripts off to agents and publishers and had them rejected. Stbxh would then use these rejections as ammo, tell me I was a crap writer and that I'd always fail. So I gave up.

Just before christmas I poured my insides out onto paper for the first time in years. It was so cathartic and liberating. Editing those words kept me busy on an evening when I first left stbxh.

Last month I had my first short story accepted by a publisher

[ROUNDandROUNDINCIRCILESMORETHA]

Interesting post. Look forward to reading more replies. Like you (although married) am in a time wondering who i am but trying to change and focus on myself to improve my family and home environment.

[Meerka]

This might be the most unhelpful answer ever, given that you have small children and are a single parent and so you really can't just take time off.

If you ever won the lottery and found someone to take care of your children for a week, I would recommend actually doing an outside activity course where you will be physically pushed to your limits. (dunno if Outward Bound is still going?) Becuase if you don't know yourself and come up against a really difficult physical environment you learn a lot about yourself and how you handle physical stress and even some degree of danger. It knowledge worth having, long term; helps you know who you are and how you react.

As I said, the most unhelpful answer ever in the circumstances cough

More possible, maybe: if finances allow, how about trying a few day-courses with the children on physical things? eg a day canoeing or half-day.

Anything creative like music, writing or similar is also a great idea, in a different way (congrats, curtwild!!)

[Littlebme12]

Iv signed up for the suzy greaves course! Also found a suggestion about doing a timeline of important events in my lifetime and having a think about how this has shaped me, good and bad and working towards acceptance and a better knowledge of who i am and where i am at. Sounds like something that could work for me anyway.

I think challenging myself is what i am looking for, im really not so good at working out what it is I need, i need things suggested and work through it that way. something i need to work on!

I now have a list as long as my arm of the things i would like to do. I just have to be realistic about which ones can work around the kids. Even taking these steps have made such a difference to how i am feeling, like taking control of me, its liberating actually.

Im thinking of joining a walking or rambling group. It will be a physical challenge that i can progress with and get to enjoy the outdoors and meet people. Im a bit scared at the thought of it though, new situation new people etc. My confidence is also not great at the mo. Half of me wants to rope in a friend but thats a get out, id end up not engaging with new people because i have someone with me. Its just what i do.

I also need to do a lot of thinking and work through relationship stuff. I totally lose my identity in a relationship end up miserable and feeling like a toxic person and hate myself for it. Although to be fair i have already acknowledged that i have not made the wisest of choices in that respect.

I might start keeping a diary of my wittering, i wish i was creative but im really not. I love reading and stories but i just have no imagination whatsoever. What an achievement to have a piece of work accepted and published. Well done!

[Meerka]

diaries seem to help people who keep them quite a bit. Something about just writing the stuff down seems to help clarify thoughts. I dont have hte self-discipline myself

walking / rambling does sound really nice. are there any open days in local clubs? that way you can try it out a bit quietly and just suss it out

Regarding the relationship thing, a lot of people swear by the Freedom Programme, it seems to help everyone who does it whatever their situation. Link here Just wondering if it might be something for you?

[heyday]

Sounds like you are making really positive strides forward in finding the new/real you. It's great that you are so realistic about it too, obviously as you have kids you can't stop focussing on them but you now have goals and aspirations for yourself. I must admit that the 3 years I was single were the most enlightening and truthful years of my life. Good luck in your new adventures. It's must be quite exciting really.

[Maisie0]

I am the same too. I am glad that I did not throw away everything because it allowed me to piece together my interests, and why things make me tick, and what I like best and so forth. I really wish you luck.

I leave you with some of my favourite quotes by Paulo Coelho:

"Remember that wherever your heart is, there you will find your treasure."

"Don't give in to your fears. If you do you won't be able to talk to your heart."

"You need to wake up if you want to dream."

"Tell your heart that the fear of suffering is worse than the suffering itself and no heart has ever suffered when it goes in search of its dream."

"What is success ? It is being able to go to bed each night with your soul at peace."

[twentyten]

Glad you liked the Suzy greaves idea! Her stuff is really helpful-her blog is good too.
One interesting technique is to write down three things you are grateful each day- however small. Then look back - some clues to what you love. Good luck!

[Hughfearnley]

I remember being at a similar crossroads a while back! I sat down and wrote a list of all the things I would be disappointed if I didn't do/experience before I die.
This ranged from cooking lobster to joining my local young ramblers group and climbing Mount Toubkal in Morocco.
Typically, in the course of all this, I met Mr right and now have a 3 month old DS!
My husband and I have rewritten a more achievable bucket list.....!

[Littlebme12]

My task today is to email/ phone a few clubs to ask about open days I love getting out in the countryside really get a lot out of it.

I'm also going to try the Freedom programme, il do it online, I left ea ex with help of women's aid and I think I've been avoiding looking at issues really. Hard work but has to be done.

I love the where your heart is quote! My heart is with my kids,the loves of my life and in all honesty I wouldn't be here where i am if it wasn't for them.

When I turned 34 I made a list of 35 things I want to do before I'm 35. Think I have done mayb 2! Time to dig it out and get planning, what a lovely thing that you met a partner and as now. I still have hope that there is someone out there who will be right for me and appear at the right time for me. Might be a bit optimistic but I can dream!

Ex p is unfortunately still living here on a part time basis till he secures his own place, hes been away all week and sie back this evening and im dreading it, I have really enjoyed the quiet evenings and not feeling awkward or down, just hope I can keep the mindset I have at the minute because I feel really positive bout things now. He's really not a bad person but we just don't get on and it's wearing.

Thanks for the ideas and good wishes, I'm excited to get started now!